2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Nvrgivup]

WP, I just read through your thread, it would seem like some others, my sitch is very similar to yours. I struggle with some of the very same feelings as you. My x has just filed a few weeks ago and it will finalize in a month or so, but we have been seperated nearly 3 years. I am working on the same things like letting go and detaching, yet I still love my wife and family and ultimately hope that things may work out. It is without a doubt the hardest thing to do...... detach and hope at the same time. Unfortunately we do not have a friendly co-parenting relationship. And to be honest I do envy that. Thank-you for continuing to post and to the others who reply with such good advice. It has given me hope for myself that things can get better for me, even if the M is over. Many times I have felt that I am the only one who respects the vows we took, and sees the effects of this on the kids. (who have had a really hard time with this). It is comforting to know that there are others out there, going through the same things.

[whitneypinch]

Hello Nvrgivup,

Thanks for posting. My heart goes out to you. It is a very difficult struggle.

I just want you to know that it is not easy having a friendly relationship with my EW. Many times I wished we did not talk at all.
As an example; last night my EW and my kids video Skyped me. It was so nice to see everyone but then it left me with an empty feeling today. It left me with feeling resentful in the morning and sad by the end of the day. What kind of a life is this that I get to see my family on my computer.
I am trying really hard to be thankful that I did get to see them as many of you don't even get that.

The people in piecing must have a really hard time. All the negative feelings must come flowing out as they have been suppressed for so long.

Lately I have been feeling like just telling my XW to just leave me alone.
Two nights ago I got a text from her telling me how much she loves the new Taylor Swift CD. I too like TS and have met her. I wrote my EW back agreeing that the new CD was good and suggested a few other artists that she should check out. Of course I never heard back from my EW.

You see how this all goes. My XW drops in and then when I try to spark up a conversation she disappears. That is why I am getting to the point of telling her not to contact me anymore.

Each day is a different one....

[Nvrgivup]

Well I applaud the effort. Though I don't have nearly as much contact with mine right now as you seem to, I know exactly how you feel. For the last 3 years it has been exactly the same for me, I get sucked in by a message or conversation, I reply, try to continue a conversation etc, then boom she shuts it off and never responds. I will say that since I was served a few weeks ago, I have had zero contact. And feel like just saying leave me alone. But I know I need to be friendly for the kids sake, and am working towards that. We switch the kids every Friday, and I hope one of these Fridays I'll be able to smile, ask how she is, and "chat"? But as I've read above, it the expectations that are the killer, and I'm trying to get those out of my life.
"each day is a different one" thats for sure.

Thanks WP, appreciate the support. Fellow Canadian too! Always a good thing!

[whitneypinch]

Ok, well here we go again.

So this weekend I have my kids. My XW is going away to NYC. She is coming home on Monday.
I let her know that I will keep the kids until Tuesday morning.
She informed me that she wants them back on Monday night. We had a few email debates over this point and then she suggested that on Monday that I come out to dinner with her and the kids and then hang out with them. Ok.

I then suggested to her that the kids and I could pick her up at the airport on Monday. She loved that idea.

I also mentioned to her about a big event that the kids and I are going to on the 27th and that the kids wanted her to come with us. She said she wanted to came as well but she would have to leave at 7:45 pm to go to a party. (arrrggg)
The event fireworks start at 8:00 and then there is skating afterwards. Those really are the specific events that the kids and I wanted her to come to. I told her that maybe it was better that she did not come as the kids would be disappointed that she had to leave before the fireworks. She said ok, and that she was sorry she could not be there.

Ok, so I know all of you are saying to yourselves "wow, this sounds great so far".

Later this afternoon I sent her a note saying that I appreciated how she handled the situation today. That she was able to defuse a situation and turn it into something nice. This is a 180 for me as I never showed her much appreciation in our marriage.

Ok, to summarize..... The kids and I are picking her up at the airport and hanging out for the evening and she accepted an offer to come out with us another night (I cancelled).

So....here is her response to my email of appreciation:
"Thanks. I'm happy it turned out this way too and that you feel good about it. This is always my goal with us! Everyone benefits".

I know her..... this note basically says "I am glad you feel good, I feel nothing other than it's great that we are all friendly".

You know what, I just don't think I can have interaction with this person and not have expectations and hope. How the hell can you not have expectations when the person is offering to hang out.

Am I just not getting all of this? This is just cruel. Maybe this is the extreme patience I am supposed to have.....I don't know, someone help me out.
I need a big 2x4 to the side of the head.

My XW knows I still love and miss her. She knows I want us to be a family....

Should I be telling her we should not be hanging out at all?
Arrrrrggg, just don't know what to do. I have read so much about being friends with the EX and that sometimes it blossoms into romantic attraction again.
Is this how that plays out or is my XW just cake eating?

Who the "F" picks up their XW at the airport and hangs out doing stuff?

[missmyfriend]

Whitney, I have to say, and this is not my preaching but sharing about me, I don't know how I would cope without giving this up to God. Again, I am talking about me and not anyone else as I say this. I have been a Christian for a pretty long time but you sure couldn't tell by how I conducted myself. Yes, my family was more important than most other things in my life but personally I was selfish. Even when my wife told me she wanted to leave, knocking the wind out of me because I never would have thought we would ever separate let alone divorce, I started to "use" God to try and get her back instead of putting Him first. It wasn't until I realized that I was missing the whole point, i.e. having a real relationship with Him, all my other relationships were really one-sided. When I say one-sided, I was trying to control everyone else because it was about how I wanted to be treated and what I could get out of the relationships. I was really, really nice to people overall but it was so I would get something back. If a person wasn't reciprocating, I get hurt and angry.

For me, when I started reading scripture, it became a users manual of how God expected us to treat others and how to act, inside and out. With God, you can't be fake. Before this happened, I knew some basic rules about what He expected but I chose what I wanted and threw out the rest.

Whitney, what I am saying is, I don't know how to tell you how to handle the situation with your wife except from what I have read out of scripture. I know that I promised God (and my wife) that I would love her and protect her until the day one of is no longer living regardless of what happens. I reread my vows and it told me to do these things in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, etc. I couldn't see anywhere where it said to me that I will only do these things as long as she adheres to her promises. In fact, as I was rereading my vows, I realized that even though I was facing my wife, I was telling God that I promised Him I would be forever faithful.

When I read what your wife is doing, I can't know why she is doing those things. Could she be using you? Maybe. I am responding as if I were you and your wife was my beloved wife that I miss with every fiber of my being. I would hate for her to leave our family to go to a party but at the same time, I would cherish the time we spend together. And I can't help but think that somehow, inside your wife she will eventually see how empty the party life is and that when all is said and done, family is what is most important. The challenge is that she is a child again at this time and will act like a child.

I have to go for now and I seriously hope that sharing how I am dealing with my sitch, isn't making you or anyone else who reads this uncomfortable. It is just that I can admit there is no way I could be handling this on my own.

MMF

[whitneypinch]

Hi MMF,

I am not religious at all BUT I do get a lot out of your posts.
It does help me put things into perspective and sometimes alters how I look at things.

Many times in business the smartest business people surround themselves with other smart people. I view these board this way. Sometimes we need to hear the perspective of others so that we can see clearly.

So thanks again for the post.

[Nvrgivup]

Hi WP,

I don't know if this helps or if it is perhaps just another perspective, but I thought I'd share it. I am not particularly religious either, but like you, I enjoy and get something out of posts like the one from MMF. For me I look at the vows I took, and view them as a promise or even a covenant I made with myself. I promised myself that I would be faithful "till DDUP" that I would remain committed in good times and bad (and divorce is as bad as it gets as another poster mentioned). I guess what I'm saying is that whether you have made that promise to God or to your spouse or to yourself, in the end it is you who makes that decision, and ultimately you are accountable to yourself for how much or how long you decide to commit to it. What is so unfortunate in our world today is the weight put on selfishness. It is encouraged, rewarded and respected. Remaining hopeful, or committed is not an easy path. It is fraught with tough emotions, fear, and disappointment. Your position will be questioned, frowned upon and perhaps even condemned by others. But with the bigger risk, comes the potential for bigger reward (and bigger failure too obviously). The thing with DBing is that no matter how it turns out, you will be a better person for it. As so many here including Michele have said. You have to follow and trust in the process for sure, you have to be patient, you have to mitigate your losses. It is about doing for yourself, without being selfish. I know for me it is really starting to help me not worry as much about "what does she mean by this" or "Is this a little sign?" Ya just can't worry about it. We cant control what our ex's do, only how we respond. And if we are taking care of ourselves, we are in a stronger position to respond the right way. And right now thats all its about. Be good to the kids, be good to yourself, and try to enjoy everything as much as you can. Put your faith wherever its best suited to who you are. For MMF its in God, for you it may be in yourself, for others it may be in the DB process. And if the day comes where you just cannot hold on anymore, you will be able to look at yourself and know you did not only the best you could, but more than most, and probably more than you thought you could. And even if the world doesn't throw flowers at your feet, you will know what you did, what you endured, and most likely your kids will know. And that will have a huge payoff for you and for them.
And to MMF, just wanted to say that don't worry about being preachy or making anybody uncomfortable, the message is a good one, no matter the context. As I said I am not really religious, but that doesn't mean there isn't great wisdom in what you say.

[whitneypinch]

Nvrgivup,

So well said !
Thanks again for your post. It's really nice to get a reply as "we" are the only ones that know what each other is going through.

You know, I would not have changed a thing through all of this. All of this has changed me for the better !!

Yesterday, my kids and I picked my XW up from the airport, we went to a playground, went to a movie and had dinner together.
It was so nice. My XW had her guard up and was texting on her phone most of the time but at least we were together.

[Nvrgivup]

Ya I guess you just take the little things and make the best of them. Its nice that you still get a little "family" time. I admit I'm a bit envious. But at the same time I do know how tough that would be, and am maybe a little glad that I don't have to struggle through something like that again. My problem was (is?) being able to do something like that without expectations. Though I have certainly progressed and hope if the opportunity presents itself someday, that I will be able to just take the time for what it is , and not expect much.
Keep your head up WP, you seem to be doing things the right way. you can be proud of that.

[whitneypinch]

Thanks again, so much.

I have a friend that does not get along with her XH. She never sees him and they never do stuff together as a family. Many times she says she wishes that they were like me and my XW, in that we all do stuff together.

Let me put the records straight. It's is really not that great to be out with your XW and to see no love in her eyes. She is guarded and not the person I married.
I continue to do it as I am hoping things change.

On Monday we were out my 7 year old daughter was walking holding my hand and her mom's hand. A few times she pulled her mom's hand and mine together to get us to hold hands. Not so good....

I will continue to stay focussed on my kids and receptive to going our with my XW and see what happens.
Lately I have been feeling that it's time for me to meet someone else. This is normal and all part of the process.