Question about arguing

[FindingMyVoice]

please pray for me to help me help myself..

You'll be in my prayers. How the IC go today? I had a tough one with my IC today too, so I sympathize! Remember to be kind to yourself.

[New Life]

FMV,

it was really awesome... I was not disappointed.

IC said he thought EA is a A Cry for help... That all Human beings need affection, connection and interaction -- and I obvious was devoid. He said every person needs 2-3 close friends (me -- 0), and 4-6 aquaintences you socialize with regularly (doing better there).

IC said he was more concerned about the fact that up until EA I basically have been in bed for past 3 years... Depression... And that the EA made me feel alive again.

As far as obsessing, he pointed out that there are 2 things in life that get your attention: 1) the compelling (EA) and 2) the important (taking care of yourself, kids, job).

Ge gave me some really concrete steps for boosting my mind chemicals, which he suspects were bottomed out until EA, and which is why the compulsion is so strong.

He gave me some baby Steps for dealing with EA, as he HEARD me about this being my best friend for the past year (before it turned romantic 2 weeks ago.).

IC is my age and said H probably won't be that freaked out about EA since OM 20 yrs younger and 1000 miles away. IC pointed out that these aspects probably made it seem "safer" to me with little chance of real-life R.

Just good to get it out to a REAL live person, since do much of my life has become cyber with this EA.

IC pointed out the important thing right now is to get a life -- out of my head, out of my house, out of my bed and NOT just with kid's activities, since empty nest not far away.

He is having me put each issue (EA, H, and my depression) in separate
Boxes... And take on most important first and foremost.
Underlying, longterm depression being the 1st...

Whew... Haven't had this much drama in my life in decades-- this rollercoaster of feelings has me wiped up, unable to eat.

IC suggested a specific type if Omegas for depression, etc. plus book by Dr. Daniel Amen...

Hang in there FMV, we'll get through this together...

[gutwrenching]

Great news...
You sound so much better and more upbeat today. And I think that is key. There is a long road ahead, you know that, and a positive outlook on life is going to be so important.

Thanks for the update. You can do this! Take those tools you were given and turn it into something positive

[New Life]

Feeling overwhelming urges to reach put to OM... HELP!!! Needing some support here.

[New Life]

Oh GW... It is hour by hour, feeling uncontrollable compulsion to reach out to OM, need to hear all that love and affirmation...

Guys, what tools do you use to DETACH from someone??
So much easier if it's someone who has hurt you, but in my case kicking him to the curb is making me go crazy wanting to contact him.

I feel stupid, pathetic and vulnerable. All those things that got me here in the first place. Just need to "talk" to someone besides OM, and fill that vacuum.

[New Life]

Ok, here's an excerpt I found:

According to Psychology Today, "Levels of phenylethylamine (PEA) -- a chemical in the brain involved in the euphoria that comes with falling in love -- rise with feelings of infatuation, boosting euphoria and excitement. Love and sex addicts may simply be dependent upon (this) physical and psychological arousal triggered by PEA ..." and other factors.
The thought that "this person is the only one for me" is the root of the affliction.
"The fantasies feed the addiction," says Susan Peabody, a love-addiction teacher for 22 years and author of "Addiction To Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships," who is based in the San Francisco Bay area. "You carry around these fantasies of when the relationship was at its peak, and it's on a loop in your brain."
"Until you fall in love with someone else, it stays with you, and that can go on 20, 30 years," she says.
Moving on
Since obsessive love addiction is fueled by fantasy, modifying your thoughts is the best way to get over an ex. To break the cycle, Schaeffer outlines the following steps to help people forget the past and focus on the future.
• Assess yourself for love addiction tendencies honestly. Some signs include obsessive thoughts about another person that interfere with your life and feelings of worthlessness or depression when not in a relationship
• Know healthy love exists and how to identify it.
• Be willing to face the pain letting go produces.
• Discover and address the underlying causes and psychological beliefs that support the compulsive/obsessive behavior. Ask yourself questions like, "What do I believe about relationships, love, and myself? Why might I fear closeness? Do I believe people will disappoint me or I will disappoint them?"
• Don't forget the past; utilize it. Acknowledge that you will move beyond any painful experiences and focus on future relationship success.
• Find a support group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or a therapist trained in love addiction to help you through this transition.
Here's the good news for people who think the time may be right to cut the cord. A study released in August by Northwestern University indicates that people -- especially those deeply in love -- overestimate how badly they'll feel after a breakup.

[gutwrenching]

Detaching is very hard, so don't beat yourself up. And it's hard even when someone has hurt you. And you are talking to someone who is not good at detaching...

Now, don't reach out right now. I don't care if you have unplug the computer from the wall and pull the battery out of your phone. If that's what it takes, do it. The feeling will pass. Just get through the next four hours.

And I'm serious. Unplug the computer and take the battery out. Look at everything you found above. This is tough. You have to fight it. You have to be the strong one right now. You have it in you.

[gutwrenching]

I saw your post to Sandi, and I'm going to give you an opinion that others might not agree with and you might not want to hear. OM doesn't love you. He might love the thrill, he might love the excitement or PEA, but he doesn't truly love you. He can't. You've never met in person. He doesn't really know you. So stop your thinking about that.

You want to know who does love you, even if he is lousy at showing it, it is your H and your children.

You are smart enough and stong enough to do this

[New Life]

Thank you GW!!! I needed that "slap in the face" ( and I mean that in a good way, to bring me back to reality and out of the fantasies.

Hmmm... Battery out of the phone -- great idea!

Thanks Sandi, I know... I know... Got to let go of my drug. Just like crack, causes more harm than the high is worth.

I think H really noticed something was up with me when I went out of the blue to that counseling appointment all the way in the city yesterday. Kinda like ... What's up??? Seems to be there for me a bit more today.

I scheduled Lasik eye surgery for Thursday... So that should keep me preoccupied this week, and is a big self-care issue that I've been putting off for a year.

Keep those words of reality coming my way... I figure if I can make it 3 days, the worst will be over...? I hope. T

[sandi2]

Over four years ago, these same words was said to me. Not by GW, but others. Know how I felt about it? I hated it. I did not want to believe it and would tune it out.

OM doesn't love you. He might love the thrill, he might love the excitement or PEA, but he doesn't truly love you. He can't. You've never met in person. He doesn't really know you. So stop your thinking about that.

You want to know who does love you, even if he is lousy at showing it, it is your H and your children.

I was so fogged out until I actually expected OM to propose to me.....and we hadn't even met in person! How stupid is that? GW is so right in what he's telling you. But I'm going to tell you something else......and you won't like it,but it was told to me (and I found out it was true). You are not the only female your OM has. You can bank on him having otherwoment that is playing that same game with him. He tells those other women the same stuff he's told you. That is his world! If this OM was very much....would he spending his time on line playing chess with a married woman twenty years older than him??? Wake up!! What kind of man he really is verses what he has you THINKING he is--are miles apart.

Three days long enough? No,but it's a start.