No more games-Onward

[gr8 day 2B alive]

CdB,

Sorry to to hear of your three bad experiences this week.

Continue to remain positive about your direction.
The R between W and goober want last. Be strong for your kids.
My prayers go out to you.
gr8

[CD Bear]

I know you are in a MUCH better place but detachment...
...the kind that REALLY lets her go is still yet to come. You know how I know?
Because you are still focused on what she is doing with Goober.

Thanks, TG. I see that. I still view it as a positive that I no longer picture "what she is LITERALLY DOING" with Goober anymore and now only see it as a "continued A/R"

And it's much more an "indicator" (tool) than a "weapon I used to beat myself up".

Look at Goober as a tool. <<<<That is a double entendre (sp?)

Thanks again. I needed a laugh. It's actually a triple as he is also an auto mechanic. The jokes pretty much write themselves. If you have an interest in shooting Pepsi or wine out your nose, I'll show you pictures of him/them on the alt.

She thinks she needs him to fix what is wrong inside. She blames you for not doing it for her or inhibiting that what she believes.
While.... she believes this she is of no use to the new CD. You could no more have a HEALHTY relationship with her than say ...
A large wooden badger. Actually the wooden badger is better than her right now

Wow, Gritter! A laser beam AND a comedy bit!!
To be honest, I agree wholeheartedly and have actually been hearing that from my inner voice a lot.
It goes back to the old thread where I suggested that I may actually want the A to continue because I am not ready. The A also tells me that SHE is not ready either.
And the Monty Python reference? Priceless. You sure we aren't related? Just a "Touch"? I am an honorary Italian according to my classmates at the "All-Italian HS" I went to.

Don't ask (about this being a permamnent address). Tell her you will forward her mail there. Not your business. Hers. Ask her what she wants you to do with the rest of the stuff.
Subtle difference but a good one. She will see questions as prying.

Thanks for the tip. I was actually going to just begin forwarding it without the notice. I really would like all her stuff out of the garage. I need the space and the lack of reminders. I'll look into one of those storage pods. If it's not too expensive......Then if she wants it, I can have the pod delivered.

Thanks for the support. I know I'm "getting there" but it's just somewhat discouraging when:
- I find myself struggling over these little incidents (considering I know the answer but find the internalization sporadic)
-I'm not as far along as I sometimes feel that I am
-I feel impatient with myself for NOT being "there"
-I get impatient with the sitch in general (Resolution please!!)

I see all of this as evidence that:
-nothing is really "working"
-Divorce is the most likely outcome
-why am continuing to delay the inevitable if it is doing nothing more than frustrate me and make my own work and life more difficult?

I am grateful that I have this event/situation
/opportunity to work on me. I needed this for my future. Really.

But (and I use this word on purpose, TG)I am finding the lack of closure/resolution is holding me back? Is this correct?

Or just another frustrating "cycle"?

I am wanting to run through this (more impatience) but she is an anchor.

A-HA MOMENT!!! ( I will intentionally NOT edit from here on)

I used ME and RUNNING in the same sentence
Impatience popped up AGAIN
She is an anchor only if I'm attached to the "rope"
There is something BIG in ^^^^^^^^

I am REALLY looking forward to figuring ^^^^^out and what it should be telling me.

TTYL

[SunnyD]

Very interesting insights, CD, esp. the last bit. Yep - even if she is an anchor, YOU have the power to let go of the rope.

I KNOW how frustrating it is - and how disheartening - when you feel so good/confident one day and then melancholy the next. It's just par for the course, unfortunately, no matter which way the sitch goes. I know how much you want to be out of that place of hurt and disappointment: to feel like you've made it through to the other side. Just remember, the melancholy has its place too. It helps us see in ourselves what we would not see if not for it.

[Truegritter]

Emotion?

Can't control that. It is by definition a spontaneous reaction to a situation or stimilus.

It will lose it's sting when you try to control it after it is felt.

THAT is detachment.

Detachemnt also helps to move onto understanding, compassion, and freedom...

That is detaching with love.

Then

nothing is really "working"
-Divorce is the most likely outcome
-why am continuing to delay the inevitable if it is doing nothing more than frustrate me and make my own work and life more difficult?

This ^^^^

is NOT guaranteed. Nor does it guarantee it won't happen.

BUT

It WILL cause you all those feelings of frustration of attaching yourself,

attaching...WHO YOU ARE and HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE...

To these outcomes.

When you realize this it is not a sacrifice anymore CD.

It will not cause you doubt or pain.

It is only living your life...

Living YOUR life.

[CD Bear]

Thanks.

Worth stapling to my forehead.

Yes, ALL OF IT.

Now how do I learn to think like this?

[FaithnAK]

Thanks.

Worth stapling to my forehead.

Yes, ALL OF IT.

Now how do I learn to think like this?

Drink more of the Gin or Vodka?

[Truegritter]

Now how do I learn to think like this?

You just read the novel right?

All 129 pages?

Did you see that what happened to me was a slow process?

Did you see that I too got frustrated with my own progress and I cycled? (still do very often)

Don't rush this...

Go easy.

It will come to you quietly and completely.

What was not there was all the times I spoke others and was talked off the ledge...

A LOT.

I wish it was there for you to see but

I only know that now looking back what it was that was happening.

And you will see it too.

You WILL get there.

One step at a time.

[CD Bear]

UPDATE (sitch and me)

So my W came on saturday to get her belongings. She is moving in with OM.

Fortunately, U-H@ul gave her a larger truck than she planned on as we filled that right up. She now has everything that is either hers from before; a gift; or I have no need for.

It was a quick 40 minute load. She had a friend from work drive and help. I was upbeat and "me". I could go on but that is pretty much all there is to say.

She thanked me twice at the end and in a very sincere way. far beyond a normal, casual "thanks." I am reading nothing into it. My responses were "Anytime" and "You're welcome".

On cue, today she began a text exchange regarding the house. It is posted below for both clarity and an insight into where I am right now. I hope you enjoy it.

W: Thanks again for the help on sat! I was talking to a customer of mine, he can do an appraisal on the house anytime. I said I would talk to you. That way we know what its worth and hopefully get it on the market. I'm sure you don't want to take the house on yourself or can't but I can't pay for it for too much longer. I'm thinking if we take a hit we take a hit.
W: What's your thoughts?
( I gave it over two hours before responding)
W: Do you want me to call you tonight? We can talk about it?

CD: You are welcome for the help. I understand your feelings regarding the house and the obligation it represents. Though an appraisal is an obvious stage in this process, neither completing one nor listing the house is of any use if we do not have a Separation Agreement that lays out our financial standing. Without knowing that, neither you or I would even be in a position to evaluate whether we could or should accept any offer. With that in mind, the priority is that we each save for the 2-3K we will each need to pay (mediator) for his services to mediate the agreement and make the appointment when we have the funds. Neither of us are well off financially because of this situation so it could take a little time. But we will have to continue to do the best we can with what we have until we can completely resolve this.

W: I hope it gets done soon, I don't have 3k for anything. So my options are? If I declare bankruptcy I guess the bank sells the house? I have no idea what to do, and can't afford to do this. I'm financially drained.

CD: I'm sorry to hear that. I truly am. However, this was not my choice and I have done and will continue to do everything I can to protect our daughter and me. If I now need to protect her and I from your bankruptcy, then I thank you for the advance notice.

W: No I'm just saying I don't know what to do. I guess we just pay till its done. (D2) has nothing to worry about. She has everything she needs. I just am saying its time to list the house. Regardless if we lose or not. I can't afford to pay forever with you living there. I need the house to go and everything will be fine. Can you afford it by yourself? I know I couldn't. Maybe we rent it? That's an option?
W: Rent it till we can sell it??

CD: There are far too many questions in your last text. I am going to need to think about this some more. I can tell you that it will be virtually impossible to rent out a house with a for sale sign on the lawn. So we can eliminate that one. I will get back to you in email as this is not a matter for BB Msngr. And I cannot afford to do this during my work hours. Thank you for your thoughts, feelings and ideas.

W: Ok. Well just a thought... Thank you for your replies, I can call you later.

CD: You're welcome. Until I've had some time to think about this more, a call is unneccesary. Thank you for the offer.

W: Ok. Well I'm sorry things didn't work out and I'm really trying to make this the least difficult I can, for (D2) too.

CD: Me, too. It will all work out for the best, I'm sure.

It's now been almost two hours since I sent the last reply and have seen nothing back.

I may post again tonight as I believe I have really taken some leaps over the last 48 hours.

Thanks for "lurking" out for me, everyone.

-CD

[Jack_Three_Beans]

lurking.

[Piano]

Lurking also

I think you have taken some leaps to.

You have taken the necessary steps to move this forward.

You set boundaries.

All very positive, CD Bear.

I am about to enter the phase of similar negotiations with my WH.

It's scary.

Reminding myself to feel the fear and do it anyway.