Hi Piano! I am so glad to see that you have an active thread again.
Just again repeating that I think your WH is immature about what a real marriage entails. You can take your sweet time replying to his emails. Also, he is self centered right now and I was ticked off when I read his email outlining the hardships he is enduring with his job...
Pretty much, this is my take on our WHs now that I am divorced:
During their relationship with the OWs, they are not receptive to us. We shouldn't be bending over backwards to try too hard. We don't need to be nasty; we just carry on with our lives, and interact in a distant/businesslike way when we have to communicate with them.
Once they are done with their OW fantasy/journey, we may see them reaching out.
That is why GAL is so important and detaching. (I know you realize this, but it is so obvious to me now)
I think it is normal to berate (sp?) ourselves for our mistakes in the marriage but you know what? They made mistakes, too, and if both people were mature, we would discuss the issues and work on them together, right?
Honestly!
The nerve he has to not see his daughter until she turns 1!!!! This makes me sooo mad!
So update us about your feelings and your GAL progress. It is tough to GAL too much while we have babies, but reflecting on how to improve relationships is part of GAL. Good job doing that! I may need to look into one of the books you are reading
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Right, Newmama. My H did not want to bring up his issues and work on them, so he replaced me. I don't think he realises how hard his 'plan' is going to be.
Thesedays I am feeling more and more normal which means I am putting on the weight I lost when in distress. I have started exersising again, I am quite social, I am working on gratitude, I am very detatched unless I hear from WH, and I am mostly happy. When I am not happy, it's because I am reminded of my loss or I am worried about the future. So I try to stay in the present. This is very hard when I am tired or the baby is unsettled - then my "now" reminds me of what WH has left me to deal with alone and I could just murder him.
I am going to get my ducks lined up..and am meeting with the child support agency to talk through some practicals.
I am reading, yes, and these forums help keep me on track. So glad you found me again!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I love to hear that you are 'trying to stay in the present'. You seem to know how key that is for happiness. Btw--have you read Michele's latest blog....you both seem to realize that not being in the 'present' is a great indicator of how your own emotional health is going.
So....'how' do you go about bringing yourself back to the now....others might really learn from you on that.
Hey G! Good to hear ya again. I am doing less and less nostalgia...and more worried about the future which, I think at least is positive sometimes because it gives you an idea of what you need to work on. ie. a PLAN. eg. need to work out the legals so I can move forward.
Lancesijan..thanks for popping in from MLC. There's a lot of quaility posting over there which I think could benefit all of us, especially the newbies. I know that some has disputed MLC and the whole MLC approach, but I see it as the same thing couched in different language. I don't want to have too many threads going but the way I see it, more counsel is good counsel.
dbmod, if only you knew I am the worst DBer in the world. I have been here 10 or 11 months now. I have been more or less a mess until a few months ago. "Staying in the present" takes enormous self control in the beginning.. You have to literally remind yourself every minute to focus on what is happening now (even if it is just a breeze you can feel on your skin, the sounds of the room, etc). Gradually without you knowing it becomes second nature. Another thing that helped me was telling myself I had already been betrayal, desperate, anguished once, why relive it over and over?!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Piano, wow, you are so wise to stay in the present and try to focus on small goals for you that have nothing to do with your HW. Staying in the present is super hard but it was the secret to helping me keep my sanity while I was hopeful and waiting for exH to come back. If I dwelled on the past, it brought heartache and guilt. If I focused on the future, it can make me stressed about my lack of control over the situation.
Also, focusing too much on the future when you don't know what will come of the marriage is mind boggling because there are too many scenarios! Like A) if we are back together B) if we are divorced C) if we are still in the same place as now D)if I decide to move E)if I start dating.....
it's like one of those problems where you find all the possible combinations of 4 numbers 1234 1243 1324 1342 1423 1432 2341 2143 2431 2413 etc etc!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
