Moving Forward

[sandi2]

It is so insane for your W to suggest that talking to OM would help her get him out of her syestem! Just looney tunes! How does one get into an EA anyway?

Her up & down emotions and one day thinking she's ready to get serious about the MR and then the next she's wanting to talk with OM......is normal, IMHO. I think it's all a part of finding her way back. However, she has got to stay on the right path and not fall back into contacting him. It's like she's finding all the excuses to talk to him and it's crazy.

I think Retrouville would be good (based on what I've heard), if she will just keep it together long enough to get there.

If you decide to go to MC instead, please have an agreement with your W that once you get in to see the C and discover that he/she is not pro-marriage.....you'll find another C. And, if your W suggest IC don't agree to it. I went to IC b/c my H would not agree to go to MC and the IC told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I did (talking about my EA). So, I sat there and told her about the different men I had contacted over the Internet and she just said what I wanted to hear.

I agree that your W needs to leave for her trip on a good note. I think you would be better off by not talking about the OM or the MR right now.

[TimeHeals]

It is so insane for your W to suggest that talking to OM would help her get him out of her syestem!

Don't they usually try this? "I need closure" blah, blah, blah?

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Sandi! I have no plans of bringing up any M/R talk again...and thing going good enough today that I am optimistic there will be no reason too.
Anything I can do to make sure she stays on the right path, other than pray and the thigns I've done already?

[sandi2]

Anything I can do to make sure she stays on the right path, other than pray and the thigns I've done already?

I can't think of anything you've not done, GW.

Is it this weekend that she leaves on her trip? In the past, which of you would be the first to call? It will be an anxious time for you, but IMHO, you need to be careful that you aren't checking in with her too much or she'll think you are holding the reigns too tight. It's delicate. This will be a time of testing for her, but it's going to come at some point in time.

You have my prayers on this end, for sure.

[flowmom]

Hope today has been a good day gutwrenching.

This weekend, try to do something that is for you, that reinforces your confidence in yourself, something that has nothing to do with children and marriage. GAL is so important, I think even more so for men than for women in some ways. And guys are often most attractive when they come back from being out in the world doing their stuff. It's good for you and your M.

[flowmom]

I like the idea of Retro compared with MC. I found that it was really hard to generate momentum in MC. We'd leave after a tiny nudge forward, but then there'd be a week of the regular problems and challenges. I think that spending some concentrated time dealing with the stuff and developing new skills and generating some momentum would have been a better start. Then of course hopefully there would be the motivation to follow through in the post sessions.

(((hugs)))

[Lotus]

Why is is a question of Retro or MC? Why not do both? You would not get very many MC sessions in between now and January, but it might give you the feeling that you are working together to at least begin moving the elephant out of the room. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Or, I might suggest that you do what my H and I did while we waited for Retrouvaille. (No, not the fighting part....LOL!) We got the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring and took turns reading the chapters and discussing it. We didn't go into any great depth, but we would point out things that we each saw in the chapter that we found interesting. It gave us a framework to talk about the affair without specifically talking about the affair. And there were some "know your partner" kind of tests in the book that we could take and then discuss the results.

This didn't solve our problems, but it helped us to feel like we were moving forward while we waited for the time to pass to get to the Retrouvaille session.

[flowmom]

Why is is a question of Retro or MC? Why not do both? You would not get very many MC sessions in between now and January, but it might give you the feeling that you are working together to at least begin moving the elephant out of the room. The two are not mutually exclusive.

The problem is that ineffective or too-slow not-enough MC can reinforce feelings of hopelessness, etc. I like your idea of reading the book together Lotus. Or even listening together in audio form if that's available -- then you can pause and discuss if desired.

[gutwrenching]

Lotus and Flowmom...
First of all thanks for stopping by this thread so much...good to hear from you two again.

Just dropped off W at airport. I did not have an opportunity for gal this weekend unfortunately. Now its me and the kids and will make sure we have a good time. Older D's birthday is this week, so we will go out and have a good time that evening and the next day is younger Ds "student of the month" day at school, so will play that up too. Need to make sure they don't start sensing any of this again.

Anxiety not too high. Nervousness is probably a better word...but that is better than anxiety. I did avoid any M or R talks this weekend, and we did a handful of family things. I'm sure i was giving off vibes of the nervousness, W kept asking me if there was anything wrong and I would smile and say no. I can sense the conflict in her too...but I didn't bring it up. She is saying and acting like everything is going to be ok, but I also know she is really struggling right now. I offered to load a couple of apps on her phone, which I did, and what do you know, the last search from her was for apps on marriage...so I know she is a bit conflicted, but she had basically told me the same thing. Her actions and words do not show someone about to be a WAS again, but my mind reading knows she is debating whether or not to contact him, if she hasn't already.

At this point, I have to not worry about it...well I have to try.

For me, I plan on doing some reading this week. I hope to get some good sleep. And just pray for some clarity on where to go and for a positive outcome and pray that during this time alone that my W actually is able to resolve things in her heart and mind and come to the right conclusion...in her brain, she knows what she should do, I know that. But she has to decide she can remain happy over the long haul...she has to recommit to herself to really work on things despite the fact it is going to be hard. And I did leave a few things hidden in her luggage to help fill the love tanks while we are gone and remind her of our love. I did get a couple of ILYs as she left, so trying to focus on the positive. And a passionate kiss earlier in the day that would not be indicative of one about to be a WAS.

I will start looking into some counseling options this week too. I still believe Retro is the best thing for us...I think its what we need to take the next step.

The book - well I like that idea, but I will probably wait and see...see how things are and how she is acting when she returns. She how committed she is. The shame of all this was I had come a long way towards recovering, had come a long ways towards trusting...and now not near as much.

I am going to reread all the thoughts on C and Retro that everyone has posted and really think about it.

Thanks a ton for the support and thoughts. I value your thoughts and opinions. Wish I wasn't in a spot to need it again, but it is what it is

And I will probably be posting more this week

[gutwrenching]

Made it through day 1. Journaling more than anything.
Had ups and downs. Was down most morning, then took W to airport. Couple hours later all the nervousness and some anxiety returned. Good friends helped out on the alt.
My the evening, I stopped focusing on the negative and focused on positive signs. That really helped the PMA.
W and I exchanged multiple texts, a short phone call with the kids...and then an hour of one-on-one of talking with video via chat. That is important to me...reading body language...and nothing negative there. A few ILYs sprinkled in didn't hurt either.