I know what you mean--so many times when my H or I would get upset about something the other had said or done, it would turn out later (after the freezing the other person out) that no harm had been intended.
All the same, if what's being said is genuinely hurtful, I think you need to bring your H's attention to that, as quickly as you feel able to do so in a loving and respectful manner. You might say, "H, when I hear 'x,' I feel hurt/disrespected/attacked.... So I'd just like to understand why you used those particular words."
If he continues to attack, you need to set your boundary (and then maintain it firmly). If, as you say, you misunderstood the intent or he misspoke, the fact you've been calm and non-accusatory should make it possible to have an amicable discussion about it. Don't think of this as an argument, but as a mature way of sidestepping one.
Hi Cyrena, that's great advice thanks so much. It reminds me of what I've read about communication... how... what is it, like, 80% of communication is nonverbal? So the idea of just staying calm and non-accusatory makes sense.
I find that I jump to conclusions too easily about the intent behind his words - my insecurities coming out - so I wonder if that comes out in the tone of my response. My IC says it's because sometimes his words trigger my own worst fears about myself. So I get defensive and scared. Argh. Such a hard habit to break.
I like the wording you suggested too, especially "I'd just like to understand why you used those particular words." Maybe that would help get it across that I realize how he could inadvertently use words that aren't consistent with his intent.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I'm hopping over to your forum per your invitation. Still working on detaching from OM, but the arguing thread is serendipitously relevant as I'm trying desperately to connect with H.
Came into the kitchen this morning in a pretty red nightie (we are sleeping in separate rooms) and he just said "Is that new?" I said "Yeah, I'd like to hear that you think I look cute in it" and he just laughed:(
After the advice you gave me here, and a convo with my sister yesterday (she has NO idea the extent of it, but is 15 years older than me and recently left her H of 30 years for 3 months, and they are using the Love Languages book to try to put things back together)... Well I've been trying to let my H know specifically what I need.
Desperate for an opportunity to talk seriously with him, just to feel if he is receptive to change. It would help SO much in switching my thoughts away from OM.
I've been trying to find some of the books that have been mentioned as resources, but have not found them available online, so will go out to the library and to bookstores today to see what I can find.
Trying to keep my walking up, but oddly hate the energy it gives me... Makes me just want contact with OM. Actually took Benadryl last night to mellow me out. Evenings are the worst, trying to avoid prime "contact time" with OM.
Reading what GW has to say, trying to detach from my Iphone also! Not only on my end, I can see where H's constant immersion on computer/phone is such a barrier to connecting. He may be involved with OW, or it might just be immersion in projects, but... God, I just wish he'd notice me.
Football season offered us some opportunities to snuggle a tiny bit, but now there is no affection whatsoever. I've realized my 2 LL are Affirmations and Affection.
Should I buy H a copy of this book? not sure what to do.... So hard not to slip into OM fantasy when H is so distancing...
I second everything you've said here... And that is exactly the problem H and I have-- no date nights or alone time whatsoever. Just school activities and meetings for the kids! My kids monopolize our attention in the evenings.
Talking to me definitely attracts and bonds me to a man. I guess that is why OM and I bonded; he was talking to me when H didn't. I want to know he values my opinion and trusts me. I think the attraction comes from that, mental and then physical.
Hmmmm... Right now I'm working on this alone. Afraid to even broach the topic with my H, just have so much work to do on myself right now.
I said "Yeah, I'd like to hear that you think I look cute in it" and he just laughed:(
Yah, I got a lot of that too. It's just him feeling uncomfortable ... he likely just doesn't know what to say because it's a new situation. You might at some point have to actually sit down and have a discussion with him to let him know that you have been feeling disconnected (and whatever other feelings you want him to know about) from him. Little comments here and there might not be 'in his face' enough to really make him 'get' that the situation is serious.
If you do sit down to talk about it, just be aware that he might get defensive and feel blamed. Just reassure him that you're aware he likely hasn't known how you've been feeling because you haven't shared much of it until now. But that you're trying to change that now because you love him and want a more connected, loving relationship with him. And then just tell him one or two specific, tangible behaviors that would make you feel more loved, for example a hug and kiss when he gets home from work; a 15-min face to face quiet chat in the evenings after the kids go to bed, just to get caught up from the day. And then give it a few weeks to try it out.
I came to expect some resistance, learning that it was not because he didn't love me, just because it was new behavior and he wasn't used to those kinds of intimate connections. It will likely take work from you to initiate whatever changes you'd like day to day.
Oh, and take care to be patient with him as well as yourself. Interestingly, when I started initiating change in our M, I found I had some odd resistances to the changes as well... and, asking for those changes in the M brought it all out front and centre! For example, I was as fearful of emotional connection as he was. Part of my role in creating the distance in my M was that I didn't feel worthy of asking to be cared for, comforted and supported (still don't in many ways). And so as we progressed, it required I deal with a lot of my own issues, so that we could continue connecting and finding a new level of intimacy. Sometimes we are more similar to the person we marry than we expect.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Just a journal. Sending this out to the universe. Kinda relationship stuff kinda not. It's been a hard week. Family stuff after a visit home last weekend; painful old things dredging themselves up again. Waking up at 3am again and crying, worrying often. H did listen as I talked about it a couple times, so feel like my 'please support me' card has been punched a few too many times with him already. IC appt soon so that's good. But just feeling low.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So think of something positive. What can you do for yourself that might cheer you up a bit? Nice coffee, walk, good book, margaritas? What? We all know that funk all too well...not a great place to be...
Quote:
H did listen as I talked about it a couple times,
That is good! That is positive
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
So think of something positive. What can you do for yourself that might cheer you up a bit? Nice coffee, walk, good book, margaritas? What? We all know that funk all too well...not a great place to be...
Thanks GW, yes I've tried to keep up my regular GAL schedule this week. I've missed a couple things but not bad overall. It helps while I'm doing it, just those times it's quiet and I'm alone old fears and negative core beliefs come back, makes my head and heart tired. After all the work I did this year I figured I'd kicked them to the curb. But starting to think maybe it's something that will be with me forever, so something I have to manage rather than expect to completely defeat.
Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
That is good! That is positive
Yes I agree. It didn't always used to be like that, so I'm doing my best to count my blessings.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Little comments here and there might not be 'in his face' enough to really make him 'get' that the situation is serious.
And then just tell him one or two specific, tangible behaviors that would make you feel more loved, for example a hug and kiss when he gets home from work; a 15-min face to face quiet chat in the evenings after the kids go to bed, just to get caught up from the day. And then give it a few weeks to try it out.
I came to expect some resistance, learning that it was not because he didn't love me, just because it was new behavior and he wasn't used to those kinds of intimate connections. It will likely take work from you to initiate whatever changes you'd like day to day.
Oh, and take care to be patient with him as well as yourself. Interestingly, when I started initiating change in our M, I found I had some odd resistances to the changes as well... and, asking for those changes in the M brought it all out front and centre!
Sometimes we are more similar to the person we marry than we expect.
FMV, Thanks for walking and clearing the path and sharing your journey for those of us who haven't yet ventured this far. The statement about how similar we are to the person we married resonates for me. It reminds me that some of my W's struggles are mine, and that my W and I are in a better position to help each other address issues of intimacy, communication, self-expression and related issues, than any replacement person could ever do.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
FMV, so sorry things are so rough your way too...This is a tough road, whichever way we are going down it:(
I'm still struggling with dropping OM. First weekend I've gone without much contact, although I did leave a pathetic VM early Sunday morning. So Ashamed... Reading the book " Why Men Love Bitches" helped me ALOT and actually made the most direct plea to my H yet... Crying out for him to get engaged again in our M. A part if me is almost thinking I HAVE to tell him about EA, to get him really in the game. But I'm afraid that would make him desperate, not really productively involved in R, from seeing LBD's reactions.
Googled and found a "Love Addiction" therapist this morning, and am going into the city this afternoon to see him. That is exactly how RA feels... Luke a live addiction, and from my reading, fits me to a T. It's awful... And, I think because I've been with my H for almost 25 years, with practically NO sex... My brain chemicals went overboard when they got tripped. The EA feels the way it was with my high school boyfriend, because my brain hasn't had these "Love Drugs" in years.
Trying to focus on the things B!tches do... Taking care of myself, GAL, making doctors appointments, asking directly for what I want.
So much of it is about regaining your self-respect and dignity, not taking the crumbs. I told my H last night he needed to start putting up more boundaries with the kids... Ask ME, not them what we are doing about vacation, etc. -- ending up NOT going to adult event last night my husband hemmed and hawed about, but I should have gone ahead last week, bought the tix, dressed up and said "I'm going. You coming with me?"
I think there is a part of us as women (especially in SSM) that seeks attention of OM (not necessarily A!) in order to try and get our H to notice us again.
I feel so confused, emotionally drained, can't eat or sleep... Glad I'm seeing IC today for 1st time... Quite a schlep into the city at rush hour to get his only cancellation, but worth it if he knows how to handle love addiction issues... I know so much of this comes from growing up without my Dad.
How did I get wrapped up in EA??? I am NOT the type, not the type at all... Mother of the Year taking off her shiny crown:(
