Not sure where to start or end? WAW? #4

[New Life]

John,

Kudos for getting rid of Cat Lady ... It was the right thing to do while you ar still in the M. I agree with everything Citygirl said...

It just takes time, to keep working your plan consistently, one day at a time...

Time2

[john28]

Right now my W and I are communicating a litle better. The last time that I saw her which was on Wednesday morning when I dropped S4 off I gave her 4 blueberry muffins that I made (she doesn't think I could ever cook) the night before with S4. I just gave them to her and told her that they were whole grain with real blueberries. She kind of laughed a little and said, "Oh, now we've got a little Martha Stuart?"

I talked to her later that day and she said she LOVED the muffins. She asked me how I made them, and jokingly said to bring over some more. That was a nice touch I guess. Her family is in town since I have S4 for thanksgiving this year and I gave up one of my days so she could have him with them. I mentioned something about meeting up for desert one night so I could see him and she seemed OK about it.

Yesterday I mentioned the meetup for desert again and said, "It really isn't that big of a deal at all if it can't happen, but it would be nice. I just wanted to give you as much notice as possible so if it could happen you would have plenty of time to plan while your family was in town." She said she didn't know the plans. Then when we hung up, she didn't say ILY which has happened the last two days.

She called me later that evening before her class to discuss the desert deal and was upset about it given that her family drove in 8 hours away and was only going to be here for 3 days and "you are taking S4 away from them when they have such limited time." I validated and said that she was right, I didn't want to make a big deal of it and that it was fine not to see him. She seemed suprised I didn't argue and told her she was right and quickly lightened her mood. I then told her that I thought that lately I wasn't sure if I wanted to ILY anymore because it put pressure on her and I didn't want that. I wanted everything to be smooth sailing, and all I needed to know was if she wanted to say it anymore. She replied that she has just been annoyed lately and didn't say it and knew that was wrong of her to do... that she did love me and wanted to say it and it was wrong of her to let emotions stop her from saying it.

Then in the most sincere way possible she said, "I love you, John." That was nice of her.

So pleasantries is the first step in all of this for now.

[john28]

LRT doesn't work with my W. So, I'm moving to the plan of real giving with no expectations of it in return from her. It will be tough, but I see that it has some positive impact in the past week or so. I'm willing to keep testing this until it doesn't work anymore. I haven't tried this yet, really. Honestly, it makes me feel like a good man to do these unprompted things for her.

[dbmod]

John,

I'm really glad to see you are being solution-oriented. Real giving is truly where it's at. And you have evidence that you are on the right track:

It will be tough, but I see that it has some positive impact in the past week or so. I'm willing to keep testing this until it doesn't work anymore.

and

Honestly, it makes me feel like a good man to do these unprompted things for her.

john--it demonstrates that you ARE a good man, a good husband and a good dber. It makes you a success.

If you aren't doing so yet....please give advice on the board.

There are 2 newbies who can use someone like YOU on their team.

Bman... and HB Sailor.

Keep up the good work!

[john28]

It really feels different this time folks. I've pulled away, or am pulling away, yet I'm looking at this from another perspective. I am taking time to get to know myself again, but in that process I've discovered that I wasn't an award winning husband and father. So, I'm changing that.

Her family has been in town since last Wednesday and I gave up my days so S4 could spend them with her family. Yesterday I was supposed to play in the finals for the State Amateur golf tourney, but it was postponed until today. I called her and let her know that it was postponed and she said she had to work during the time of the tourney but would ask her Aunt to watch our son.

I thought about that yesterday and when I spoke to her last night I asked her if she had asked her Aunt yet if she would watch our son. She said she had not, and I said, "Good, because I'm not going to the tourney tomorrow. It's more important to me to spend time with S4." It's true. I haven't seen my child for 4 days and was about to give up my only day this week (Sunday) so I could go golf. That's not the man I want to be.

I don't know if she understands or even noticed what I gave up to take our S4, but it is definitely a 180 for me. The old John would have just went and played in the tourney. It doesn't matter to me, he's here with me now and I'm happy.

So after I told her that I wouldn't be going to the tourney she said that the car was in the shop and I would have to come pickup our S4. I told her that was no problem at all, and asked her what time she worked. We chatted and then I told her I would give her a ride to work after picking S4 up and we could just go from there.

Saw her just now when I dropped her off at work. I probably shouldn't have but I tested a little and on the car ride by saying "Ohh it's so cold this morning!" and reached over grabbed her hand and said, "Oh you're warm". Didn't meet any resistance. Then when she got out of the car, she initiated one of those crappy cheek kisses that we all hate. She hasn't done that in a month of so. Things felt a lot less tense, I can feel the tension kind of subsiding.

Now, onto the subject of giving each other space. I'm not pursuing anymore at all. I'm just trying to be the best version of John that I can be. That means that I do nice things for my wife, because that's the John I want to be. I can feel myself getting just a little bit stronger everyday, but it is a long process.

[Dane]

Good Luck.

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[john28]

Good Luck.

Maybe. Maybe not. I have felt used before but I do not feel like that right now. I feel like she is slowly reaching out to me. I could be dead wrong, but this is the only progress I've made in months.

[dbmod]

It is good to focus on the positives, the baby steps....and that's what you've gotten. When you build on that.....eventually you get the butterfly effect.....and things get better at a faster rate. Good job!

[john28]

This is getting kind of ridiculous. The mod edited Dane's post - in which he had a contradictory view and another perspective. Dane was afraid I was being a doormat. Although I don't agree, I solicit and welcome everyone's feedback because it actually makes me STOP AND THINK about what I am doing.

[john28]

Tonight was alright. I usually speak to W for a few moments after S4 talks to her on the phone. We chatted as usual about our days, and I mentioned that I really enjoyed playing with S4 today and was happy that I forfeited my golf tournament today to do so. She then said, "Yeah, when you told me yesterday that you might play in that tournament I though it was kind of crappy since you hadn't seen S4 for a few days."

My response was, "Yeah, that's not the person that I want to be. I might have gone ahead and gone before, but that's not the person I want to be anymore. I want to take advantage of any time I can spend with my family."

Trying to shine...

I then asked her to go to dinner with me tomorrow night to talk about things and my recent stuff going on. We haven't really talked since I got out of the hospital. She said why don't we just talk about it on the phone, and I said that I didn't want to. I would much rather talk in person.

She said, "I don't know. The last few times we got together it wasn't good and we argued and I don't want that again."

I said, "I have nothing to argue with you about anymore. I would appreciate if we could have dinner and talk."

She accepted, so we'll see.