I think Dan feels that he has no right to be trusted, to be loved, so how on earth could you love him. He has a lot of issues and somehow still finds fault in you because you have the capacity to love and forgive. Dan sadly does not.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
The other thing to keep in mind BBJ, is that the WAS always re-writes the marriage history to fit whatever he or she has decided to do. Their fantasy becomes reality in their eyes. We sit there and can't believe what we're hearing, it's as though you lived a totally different existence! My wife used to say I wasn't a very good listener, yet for hours I'd sit and listen to her...and we're talking hours! So I told her that if she didn't find the way I listened helpful then I was willing to try new methods but she'd have to help me by pointing out if I slipped back into the old mode. Her response was simply "if I have to teach you how to listen then obviously you can't do it" They will sabatoge any effort you make to improve the M and then twist it into whatever their agenda is. Dan broke up his famiily and now he has to deal with the guilt and the best way to do that is to lay all the blame onn BBJ. What a weiner!
I think Dan feels that he has no right to be trusted, to be loved, so how on earth could you love him. He has a lot of issues and somehow still finds fault in you because you have the capacity to love and forgive. Dan sadly does not.
I think Kat is right about Dan. He has no ability to empathize and resents you because you do, so he continues to say all this hogwash to you about not being able to trust women and fault you for the end of your M without acknowleding his contributions. Bobbi, I had no idea about the multiple A's on his part.
Dan can't trust women because they keep fooling around with him, a married man! Like a comedian, whose name I can't remember, once said "I just can't respect any woman who would go out with me"
Wow, Kat makes an excellent point Bobbi, reread that! Eventhough you explained it all and clearly feel frustrated that you tried to get him to trust your intentions and admitting your wrongs etc, this isnt about you. For some reason, Dan feels worthless and no right to be loved. It sounds insane that someone can go through life, even with a loving spouse and feel that way but I know it does happen... because my sister said the exact same thing.
She was married and after 12 years with her H, she destroyed the R and was bitter and resentful at him and only after 3 years of counselling did she admit deep down she didnt trust him during their R, becuase she felt worthless and unlovable, so what did that say about him if he stayed with her and loved her? So she felt angry and suspicious of him.
Crazy!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
At the same time, it seems like the WS has the A's because it feels so good to have someone think they walk on water. Its as though they take very personally the ups and downs of married life, the negotiating, the decisions that have to be made, the changing of diapers. That stuff makes them feel even more worthless and unlovable because the spouse is distracted with the day-to-day business of reality. But its hard on the ego--especially if your ego needs a lot of feedback.
BBJ, what you did seems normal to me--having kids at home is tiring, making decisions about where to live, jobs to take, houses to buy, those are decisions married people have to make. And they aren't easy. Sounds like Dan "caved" to avoid conflict, but you never knew what he really wanted or how much he wanted it. He caved before he even put it on the table, and then blamed you. My XH and I didn't deal with conflict well at all. We just ignored it--put it on the back burner. I think you have to learn how to have a good, positive fight--that might be the key to a good marriage!
Interesting feeback guys....I just feel like I have analyzed and reviewed and diagrammed for years now. I can't keep doing it. Bottom line, I tried the best I could but he is choosing to pin blame on me. I cannot change his viewpoint, only he can finally decide he has had enough of being angry and being the victim. If that day comes, I will be thrilled, bc our kids deserve a positive, happy father. If it doesn't, I will do my best to give them all I can give them...
So the date is finally taking shape...call me weird but I like to start with a tentative plan, even if we don't stick to it!
Sounds like GG and I will be having dinner/drinks and then meeting up with my cousin and his wife at a comedy club. I know my cousin well enough--we went to school K-12 together--to know that he wants to feel like he had a hand in all of this. It's just how he is. After all, he intially told GG I was 'available' last year on a golf outing. So I think he wants to be there to see his 'handiwork'...
I don't mind, I think it will be a good balance of time just to talk to GG and also some time with friends in a fun setting.
Just wish it hadn't gone from 60s to 30-40s in a matter of days....BRR!
Then HockeyGuy (I don't actually know his occupation yet) who I have been emailing on Match asked me out. He suggested dinner, college basketball or hockey game. I am leaning toward hockey game. It is less intense than dinner because you aren't just sitting there looking at each other, but it is better than a movie bc although you are watching the game, you can talk. And, I like hockey! So have to figure that out...
Ok time to go shopping! Gotta get my nails filled and hoping to find some cute black boots to wear tomorrow...Then I have an invite to a friend's house for one of those Tastefully Simple parties. Where you sit around and talk and presumably buy something from the host. I am looking forward to it, between that and MOPS on Wednesday it makes two nights out with other women this week, good for my goal of making female friends.
I used to sell Tastesfully Simple. Try everything even if you normally wouldn't like it. I was surprised several times. Hope you have a good time with that. Oh and of course your dates too! You are on a roll.
It's raining here how about up North?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
