You know Jack...I hope that I didn't pull you out of retirement....That would make me cry...ok...not that far..lol.
Had an interesting conversation with a friend Saturday night.I mentioned briefly that we were having problems again. Without even going into detail he blurts out..."You two spend too much time together. When I spend too much time with my wife I feel icky towards her...and you two spend almost all your time together". Now we both run businesses from home....so I am proactive as always. Today I had no work...so I went on a 5 hour hike to get out of the house. I needed that.
I have decided that I will make two last adjustments to myself.
First-I need to give up some control of house things. One way or the other she needs to start picking up some of the slack. I have already passed over the finances and she will have to pick up some other stuff....which leads to number two-Get out of the house during the week. I have been sitting around too much. I need to get out and market or hike or...maybe even go golfing.
refocus a wise man told me...thanks for the kick Jack. I needed it.
Well...quick update for you all. She is definitely slid back....new love who is married, lying, etc. We are talking on separating....what I am getting is the other man is kicking his wife out so that my wife can move in. All this after knowing each other for 3 months and knowing it is true love.
Our kids know this time....are crushed....Looking for answers. My son was awesome yesterday...offered to get a job if the problem was about money....He was serious....had a long list of things he could offer to do for the neighbors to help out financially.
So I will be here posting again....probably should have never stopped....but there is just so much time in a day.
Hey Lost, I am sorry to hear this about your W, I know you have been at this a long time. I find myself in a similar situation in that I see my W ending one R with OM only to be looking to someone else to medicate herself on. There seems to be no logic what so ever, the only thing they are sure of is......
They do not want us or they do not want to deal with the choices they have made regarding their marriages and spouses. To face that pain is greater than trying to piece together a life with someone else that is equally messed up.
I can't remember who said it, it may have been you...LOL....but until the pain of their current situation outweighs the pain of really coming back to the marriage and doing the hard work, they are going to stay in that situation. Very much like a "drug addict".
I really understand what your son is feeling....when it looked like we were going to lose the house my daughter, started offering to babysit, go without certain things, sell some of her possessions, whatever she needed to do to help us stay in the house. That absolutely breaks my heart and yes, I get mad at my W for that. Children take on so much of their parents bullchit and baggage, no wonder this MLC stuff can be generational.
Thanks for posting, I always look forward to reading your posts.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Well first...my goals posted in early October....I actually achieved. Been getting out hiking and working which has been good for me. I also passed of some house duties including the finances to her...which was even more weight of my shoulders thank god....LOL.
Hypnosis for stress and anxiety...equals...very good investment. I started the therapy prior to this (I have a constant unexplainable small shake (tremor) and a therapist thought hypno might work) and it has really been working. While I do have backslides......I am handling them much better. This morning I was greeted first thing by postings on Facebook by her boyfriend (yes...deleted him...lol)..and got pissed. As I went to the bedroom I started to calm.....did have a few words...but by the time I got to the door to leave....I was completely calm again. So what have blown up into a very huge argument (for something she didn't actually say)was prevented by the hypnosis.....SO I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!
For me.....this time it is almost humorous. Yes I have gotten a little to involved (Saturday night I busted them trying to get together at my house while I was working)...but overall I am doing better and better every day. So detaching very well and very fast...practice makes perfect. I am getting to see both sides of the affair this time (I am friends with the BF's wife)and it is amazing how deep the lying is.....almost like they believe the lies so much that they are becoming truth. He is text book MLC by the way. His wife actually laughs since I can predict his behavior about 50% of the time....just another proof that knowledge is power.
Other than the quick thing this morning...been a good day. The wife and I had a good discussion about how the kids are this morning. Some casual texting about her job search while I was working. Then I come home to wife ignoring her texting...doing house work...and flirting with me.
It has been a few long days.....The big night being Tuesday. My wife is playing it off with the kids that her BF is just a friend. I asked her to at least keep the kids away from their relationship for 3-6 months and that turned into a new battle. She said that she will be in a relationship with him and that I won't keep my kids from her with that request....then I backslide a bunch. Happens....So I then went for a walk...a 4 hour walk. I just grabbed the dog, forgot my cell, and walked.
Here is the strange part for me....when I walked out the door I had this strong intuition feeling to see her ex-GF. So I went to a friends after walking (the feeling keep getting stronger as I walked) and went to see her. We talked...a lot...a lot of tears were shed on both sides of the couch.
Here is what I garnered from the conversation. While her ex-gf does admit she had a lot to do with the relationship, it was my wife who pursued it. What the ex-gf explained as the basic premise of the relationship for her was saving my wife. It seemed that while my wife never said anything bad (actually the opposite...defended me and talked highly all the time) she would constantly complain about how horrible it was to live here for her. This was an everyday conversation. Then as their relationship progressed...the ex-gf felt trapped in a relationship she knew was wrong, but felt like she had no choice but to help her. Eventually the ex-gf felt that she was walking on eggshells all the time trying to make my wife happy.....my wife's need for constant attention and mood swings kept making the ex-gf crazier and crazier. Eventually she just came to the "enough is enough" point. Overall the ex-gf feels bad for what she did...but it all started with just trying to help my wife. In the end though...the ex-gf realized that something inside my wife is broken and she is trying to use others to find happiness....when she really needs to find happiness inside herself.
Now here is the next twist. The BF's wife and I have slipped our conversations to secret and I told my wife that we had a fight and she isn't talking to me anymore. This of course got to the BF yesterday...lone behold....he started opening up to his wife yesterday. Saying how he feels that he has to "help" my wife get out of this horrible life she lives. How my wife constantly tells him how horrible I am and complains about everything.....maybe this can help some of you someday.
What I come away with from all this is that while my wife does admire and love me....somewhere deep inside her she holds something against me. While I realize at this point we will never know what that is, there is something there that retards her perception of me....in all manners.
So to be prepared for her leaving (I expect in the next 2 months) I started drafting up the paperwork to divide our few assets and discussed to her how I would like the custody arrangement to be. The words is that while it pissed her off....she was very impressed how thorough and fair I was. Just another sign of how MLC'ers flip flop in seconds from hating some one to being impressed.
Been a few tough days. The kids have today off from school which is good for me. I am watching the neighbor's kids (both parents work)and once it warms up....all the kids (4) and I are going out hiking. It is going to be a good day.
What I come away with from all this is that while my wife does admire and love me.... somewhere deep inside her she holds something against me.
LFW, I agree with everything you wrote above EXCEPT the bold part.
I am not saying you are wrong but my guess, (and I am mindreading), that whatever is deep inside your wife has nothing to do with YOU!
Again I am guessing but more than likely it is something with her father. And you are represented to her as a father figure.
And why would you want to be in a relationship with your own father?
All these things are not something that you can control or can DO anything about. Of course I know that you already know that but I am restating it for any newbies that are reading along.
something inside my wife is broken and she is trying to use others to find happiness....when she really needs to find happiness inside herself.
So simple and so very true. Simple is good.
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
What I come away with from all this is that while my wife does admire and love me....somewhere deep inside her she holds something against me. While I realize at this point we will never know what that is, there is something there that retards her perception of me....in all manners.
I agree with what Lance said. It's not just you. It's her perception of herself and her relationships with not only you but the rest of the world as well. Her relationships with these "rescuers" are self serving. This is to save her, to make her feel better. I don't think she can truly take into consideration the feelings anyone, the OP included right now. Clinging to the so called life ring is a pretty good analogy.
Lost, I'm sure it felt a little comforting to speak with the exgf and the bf's wife however from what I know about you, I have a feeling they didn't tell you anything that you didn't already know.
Please be careful, this is JMO and possibly a view from a little different angle. I don't see anything that can really be of good there Lost. (speaking to exgf and Bf's w) I know you are in a good place and have a good perspective on all of this, but this stuff can sneak up on you and drag you back.
Keep things simple....
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
something inside my wife is broken and she is trying to use others to find happiness....when she really needs to find happiness inside herself.
Until she sees this for herself, things will remain the same for her. You on the other hand?
