Moving Forward

[FindingMyVoice]

Okay, a couple things stood out to me here. BTW I think Sandi's advice to Mike on her thread was great - just about being upbeat, no pressure, no big R talks. I wonder if that's the direction to go? What do you think. Which brings me to this...

"...just the resentment fading away and her maybe forgetting why she decided on us verses them all together brought it all back."
If that is the case, then show her how great you are so she remembers. A family date night is ok if that's all that can be arranged... don't worry about what it may or may note be to her. You can still be yourself GW, focus on being the gentleman you are, your integrity, your good nature, all your strengths, try to get back in touch with your confidence... she fell in love with you, and you're still there. Just stay centered... show her the great man you are.

I know you're worried about the flowers, but just take whatever her reaction to them is, in stride. Don't forget, you don't know for sure what her reaction will be. Sometimes when we get stressed worrying about about how someone will react, it creates the very thing we fear. It's a light, loving simple gesture...that's all it has to be.

Oh there was something else that caught me but I can't see it on this screen. Let me post this so I can look again in case I missed something.

[FindingMyVoice]

And I am getting tired of being the only one fighting for the connection time that is SO IMPORTANT TO HER. I feel like I am the only one who is trying to schedule/find that quality time.

Oh yes, this is what I'd wanted to comment on. Yes, I was in this place for many months after I realized how much trouble our M was in. Granted our circumstances were different than yours; although I was the one contemplating leaving and feeling attracted to another guy, I was also the one doing the majority of the 'work' to reconnect the M. (Still can't figure that one out) So, yes, I felt this for months so I know how wearing it can be. Especially when you've had so little sleep! That's when your mind really gets swirling, hey?

Anyways all I can say is to hang on and tough through this. Of course you have to stick with your integrity and not be chasing or let her use you, etc, but just pay attention to times when you feel resentment creeping in and ease up on yourself a bit. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

[gutwrenching]

Thanks for the words/thoughts/advice. I truly appreciate it.

[gutwrenching]

Will digest for a bit...

[Cyrena]

GW, Sorry you're having such a difficult time at the moment. I couldn't tell from your summary whether you/your wife have a counsellor? I found ours to be invaluable in giving my H strategies to get past the ADDICTION to the OW, as well as sorting out why he had the void in him that required a fantasy relationship to fill, in addition to giving us exercises which strengthened our bond. I don't believe we'd have been able to heal our marriage without this expert assistance.

Our C specialized in marriage & family therapy as well as addiction recovery, which I found to be a very useful combination.

If I could suggest one thing, try not to put all your energy into worrying about her. She may contact OM again; she may decide to run; she may be depressed for some time longer: all this is unknowable. So focus on what you do know: even in a worst case scenario, you will be fine without her. And then do something to take care of yourself during this stressful time. Besides, the more self-reliant she sees you being, the more attractive you will be.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hey gw

Not much to offer along the lines of advice but I just wanted to let you know I'm here. Hang in there buddy.
gr8

[gutwrenching]

Thanks everyone...
Gr8...even a hang in there is probably sound advice right now

Cyrena - to answer your question, no. Why? TBH, for every M saving story like yours, I've heard/read another "made it far worse" story so we agreed on Retrouville instead. We haven't been yet because of the move and the schedule...but there is one in mid Jan in our area. Mistake? Don't know, what do you think?

Of course you are right on focusing more on me, detachment right, DB101. Lost Rabbit told me on the alt to drop the rope again...
Frustrating probably because this is the first time I've really had to think about all that in a while.

But I did go out for a run today at lunch (and without W which isn't the norm) and it made me feel a little better but not as much as I had hoped. But I did get it through my brain that if she chooses, which she might, to go back to a snake in the grass who (in my W's words) one woman will never be enough for...then she deserves the misery that comes with it. She will be stepping down if she does that, big time, to a man who has been unfaithful to his W many times and even had a fling going on the side while M and in an EA with my W. IF that happens, I don't want to be married to someone who makes those decisions and I will then step up in the world to someone else. But it would be a shame to make it this far for that to happen...

Addiction...boy is it ever. The more I read, hear, see...wow. And I don't know who has it worse in getting rid of the addiction...it might be harder on the almost LBS than the almost WAS while kicking the addiction. And my W has an addictive personality, so yes that concerns me.

Thanks again to all for the notes today. This forum isn't as lively and doesn't need to be normally...but today is the first time in a long, long time where I felt I really needed the boards...and I had DB friends come thru for me again!

[Lost Rabbit]

Hiya hun came on here to see what the other guys suggested, good to get an overall opinion.

You know Ive been through this and still do on some days, but honestly whilst I get what the other guys are saying about "be the best man" you have been doing that all along and what ever made W start thinking about OM there is nothing you can do about that, and if you start going round and round in circles worrying about this you are only going to "look your worst"

Lack of sleep is one of your worst enemies, it always is, you get tired then you get grumpy and then things get blown outta proportion and you get resentful, I know this because I do the same, get yourself to bed early or on time tonight and take a sleeping pill.

Tomorrow reclaim your life back again, drop the rope let W stew that if she doesnt get herself together you wont be there when she gets back from working away. State your boundaries, especially the one about not contacting OM, firmly remind her that contacting him even in the realms of laying things to rest is still contacting him and you wont accept it and it will be the end of things no second chances.

However you look at things, the date night may have come over as a bit desperate even pursuey, you do need to organise things well ahead, so that W ponders on a nice evening out, and the possibility of romance, pleasant conversation and more romance. Believe me none of those things come into your mind when your panicking about where to stick the kids, infact quite the opposite it only points out that you the incompetant parent must be mad to expect love, romance and potential love making etc when you are causing them to panic about their beloved little wonder cherubs!

Go back to detaching you know if she is gonna contact OM you cant do anything about it, dont let your paranoia get the better of you, you know thinking is bad for you lol!

PUT YOURSELF FIRST!

Remember things she hates about you, in a good way, so exit wimpo man, indecisive man and become Im busy getting a life you have to make your own decision W but believe me I have made mine and you are on dodgy ground..

You can do this, stop getting your trunks in a twist and have a bit more faith in yourself (()

[Cyrena]

Cyrena - to answer your question, no. Why? TBH, for every M saving story like yours, I've heard/read another "made it far worse" story so we agreed on Retrouville instead. We haven't been yet because of the move and the schedule...but there is one in mid Jan in our area. Mistake? Don't know, what do you think?

I've also heard the scary stories about counsellors, but of the 4 I've seen in my life, 2 were excellent, 1 was good, and only the one who was assigned (rather than chosen by me) was useless. Careful selection, including at least a phone interview before committing, is crucial.

That said, I believe Retrouvaille can be deeply helpful. My only concern is that you won't be doing it until January--but it's NOW that your wife is in crisis. A counseller familiar with the addiction process would probably be able to help her understand how to cope with withdrawal, help you cope with the possibility of "one last cigarette," help her understand how to start thinking with her adult mind rather than her emotions, etc. Our C also gave my H his cell number to call when he wanted to call his EA again.

Congratulations on the run. What can you do for yourself this evening?

[sandi2]

She will be stepping down if she does that, big time, to a man who has been unfaithful to his W many times and even had a fling going on the side while M and in an EA with my W.

The pitiful thing is that she knows this about him and yet she still wants that connection.

I would suggest that maybe you back away from any talks about OM or the MR for now. Wait on her and see if she talks without any encouragment to do so. She keeps saying she has to deal with it, so maybe it's time for her to do that. You have a few days before she leaves on her trip, so maybe detach some right now and then see if she tries to keep contact going with you while she's away.

The reason I suggest pulling back is b/c of how she acted when you really were at that point of dropping the rope...and she knew you were. It scared her when she saw what she could lose. Looks like she may need a little reminder.