MLC or not?

[LanceSijan]

You are very right, I am stuck, very stuck. I let H pull me right down with him.
I'm probably further down than he is.....I'm going through a clinical depression because I was hoping and praying that my M would be reconciled by now.

If you were your H would YOU want to be with someone that is clinically depressed?

Do you think he doesn't know this?

[25yearsmlc]

GF,

I understand there's a lot of value to some of what Rejoice minstries says but it does not fit all situations NOR do they claim to. They don't support staying and praying about an abuser, for instance. They don't advocate merely praying and praying and waiting or standing still. Don't be confused by their urge to have faith, and think that conflicts with DB advice.

Here's how I looked at it. For me, rejoice ministries meant it's fine to have hope. But the prayers were NOT for specific "shopping list" to God. We can't impose that on Him. The prayers I prayed were for God to give me strength to face whatever may come, and that HIS will be done, that I rise to meet any challenge, and essentially it was the Serenity prayer. I felt that was the message from rejoice minstries AND a lot about forgiveness, which I think is mandatory no matter what happens to our M's.

I do not think God wants ALL marriages to be saved (unless the abuser completely changes I suppose). See my point? He wants us to be happy and that means keeping commitments WHEN WE CAN...even though it takes two to make a marriage work, sometimes it really only takes one to end it. And there are times you cannot do much about it, or at least there are times you get to the point that THEN AND THERE, there's not a lot left for one person to do. Sometimes things have gone too far for too long and then what God wants, I assume, and hope, is for us to create new lives for ourselves. I doubt he wants us to watch our exes remarry and have a new family and still pray each night for their return and do nothing else in our lives. Do you think that's what rejoicers are suggesting? I really don't.

SOME people look to rejoice minstries as a way to pray and do nothing else.
Don't fall into that trap. Some people actually blame RejMin for their confusion about what to do or not do--(not saying you are, but you might if you don't watch it.) I don't see the two approaches as that different but IF THEY ARE IN CONFLICT TO YOU, then you'll have to choose one. Can't chase 2 rabbits at the same time, etc.

Are you getting help for the clinical depression? Do you see that aside from getting good counseling (and there's a sliding scale for it in every state so there's no way someone cannot "afford it") although granted, you might get your first choice.

But aside from real treatment, as far as how you "act" in front of your h, you must not let him see all the pain. For one, guilt will backfire, as you already know. Second, it's unattractive. Third, and perhaps most important, "faking it til you make it" DOES work some.

Just being more cheerful, more polite too, more friendly, forcing yourself to see the upside of things Actually makes one feel better. And it ALSO tends to bring more positives into your life. Like reaching out to someone often brings out more people reaching out to you. We get out of life, what we put into it.

You can do this GF. Really.
j

[sgctxok]

Your thread is very large, please start a new one.
Thanks,
sg

[25yearsmlc]

hey sgctxok,
Sorry to delay the new thread AND though it's not my thread, I'm curious. How do we start a new one and not lose the old one? Or do we just take that chance and name the new one "part 2, 3, etc" or some such thing? thanks and sorry if this delays anything.

[LanceSijan]

25 you can link the new one and the old one and they will stay on the boards for quite a few years.

I don't know how they decide what to delete but there are many posts still in the archives.


To link threads.
Copy URL from 1st page of old thread and paste it on new thread.
Then copy URL from new thread and paste it on last page of old thread.
When you are done, hit the notify button and ask moderator(Virginia) to lock thread for length.

Hope that helps.

[Goodfight]

Thanks Lance and 25. I am getting help for my depression and believe it or not I think I made my H think a bit.

I don't really think he knows about my depression. And 25, you are so right. I think I fell into the trap of rejoice. That's why I didn't file for spousal in the beginning, I didn't want H mad because I had already filed for child. That is just one of the things I was doing to follow rejoice.

I have not seen my H in a long time and the last time we spoke was last week when he told me he couldn't pay part of the loan because he had to get a lawyer for the hearing about him keeping me on his benefits. H has had full control of everything for the past 2yrs. And last week when we spoke, he wasn't even making sense. I took care of all the bills etc. And I was trying to explain to him that if he took the insurance that wasn't as expensive as the one he has now that it will end up costing him more in the end. I couldn't get it through to him. Although he is ADHD, and I did have to do all of this when we were together.

And he was pushing buttons again, saying he was involved with someone but then going to get back with his ex girlfriend like I mentioned and she is married and when I said to him that she is married and what the heck was he talking about he turns around and says that they are best friends now. H, exgirlfriend and her husband. He was not making any sense at all. Then the week before he said he was watching his girlfriend's kid and then said he was only joking.

What the heck is this all about? Is it to see where he stands with me since I made it look like it was fine with me or should I say that I didn't cry for the first time and just acted like I was alright?

Is it too late to start DBusting all over again? And not get the 2 confused as far as rejoicers and things go? I want and still have hope because why else would H want to see if I care or not about what or who he is with....and that is the only thing I couldn't understand about rjoicers. How the heck do you watch our spouses remarry and have another family and not move on with your own life? I know we are suppose to be married till death do up part but I'm divorced already due to physically being abused and mentally abused. I really don't think God wanted me and my S20 to suffer like that anymore.

I don't know how to start a new thread. Lance????

Sometimes things have gone too far for too long and then what God wants, I assume, and hope, is for us to create new lives for ourselves. I doubt he wants us to watch our exes remarry and have a new family and still pray each night for their return and do nothing else in our lives. Do you think that's what rejoicers are suggesting?

[Goodfight]

25, yes that is what I thought rejoicers was suggesting. The last paragraph above. I tried to edit it but it was too late. Sorry.

[25yearsmlc]

Don't know or care if that's what rejoicers mean to say, though I seriously doubt it. What's important is the rest of the paragraph. Time to move on and for what it's worth, I happen to think whatever chance does exist for a recon with your h is, it'd be by moving on anyhow.

and fyi, there are many ego related reasons for an ex to "care" about what you feel regarding him. They do not necessarily mean he's up for a recon AND EVEN IF IT DID, wouldn't HE need to do a bit more than ask you a few nonsensical questions or probes? Please tell me he'd have to actually DO something proactive and UNambiguos to earn any trust with you.
I don't see his comments as indicating anything but weirdness and confusion and some thoughtless mindgames. (SIGH)

Once again we go back to basics, MOVING ON and GAL which IS DBing...and a healthy thing for you. I'm no expert, but heck Yes I think that's what God wants for us. He's not into making your life hell on earth forever. But He does help those who help themselves too. YOu've been stuck too long/

[Goodfight]

Yes, I have been stuck too long 25. I'm going to do what I told H I was going to do and that is move on. I'm going back to GAL and if God wants us to recon it will happen when H decides to do something proactive like you said above and stop listening to outside influences and doing what they think is best for him.

I know this isn't part of DBusting but with the last text I sent him I told him to man up and help with the family he left with nothing or I was going to move on and go to court for the benefits and spousal support. I just got so fed up with him trying to hurt me in anyway he could.....bringing up exgirlfriend, knocking my son down, knocking me down, saying his family said I was the biggest mistake he ever made and he agreed.

But I put up with this anger for a long time. The second year has been the worst. At least during the first year of separation he would call and check on us and we would communicate a little here and there. But ever since he got back with his real mother and that side things have gone down terrible. Although he was thinking about us dating in March but then took that back again, and said he didn't think it would be a good idea.

So, I thought I would switch things around (180), and told him to leave me alone and to help with the bills that are in both of our names and to man up. And to only contact me if he can be civil or nice and that I would not be contacting him anymore.

I really meant it that night, and yes I'm still sad and scared but I got tired of him calling all of the shots! Being nice when he wanted and being nasty when he wanted and I would have to put up with it. Well, no more! I will pray, just read a post that took up to 3 Years because she was basically doing the same things I was doing and she and her H are back together. So I will continue to pray and give it to God. There is nothing else I can do from here. H will have to be the one. I've done this for 2yrs. now.

Thanks 25

[25yearsmlc]

no problem and I wish you luck. I hope also you'll simply implement the no contact rather than announcing it. Now, if he contacts you to get you back into contact he "wins" b/c he gets you to back down again on your own promises. No reason to "tell" someone you're done or moving on. Just do it.
And did you offer contact IF he does live up to his financial obligations? I cannot understand that. Why not simply enforce the laws and stop the bargaining? He's not really "paying up" in any meaninful way.

Are you prepared to live HAPPILY without him? I sure hope that's your plan now.