In all seriousness, I think anybody you responds at this point is woefully unqualified to provide constructive feedback in this situation. The important thing is that you learn from this in the end, but I'd discount the value of any free advice at this point.
Let's recap:
Multiple affairs, control issues down to and including which plastic spoon you use to stir a pot, hystrionics including but not limited to threatening suicide with a handgun.
When confronted with the reality of the financial support she can expect post divorce by a mediator, she attacks you (presumably the weak link) because... well the legal system and mediators aren't likely to budge.
Then an ego-supporting affair by yourself to help rebuild your "self" esteem.
In all seriousness, if posting here helps you vent, that's all well and good. I'd take any free, non-professional (and I mean hardened, seasoned professional) advice with a grain of salt at this point.
But.. it's all good. We all learn from our experiences.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
TH - at this point I feel like things are calming down. I'm hoping and praying they stay this way.
For once it feels like I'm in a sitch (now at least) that alot of other people find themselves in... regardless of how I got here. My W is starting to thaw, or so it seems. She doesn't NEED me to do any of the things I've done. She is capable and before now more than adamant on doing them herself. The sitch is (by my standards) drama-less but not drama-free.
Example being: fix the car, send a fax, her opening up FB again.
By the way, her text to me last night, which was out of nowhere, was: "I see you trying. I unblocked you on FB."
I really wasn't doing anything other than giving her space, being nice and lovingly detaching and thinking a few steps ahead of the DB to do relatively humanly decent things (like copy off all the pictures or fix the car she is driving which is mine).
She's an acts of service kind personality. I'm trying very hard not to read into this too much, but it is very unusual of her when she doesn't NEED anything from me right now.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Since your lady friend spent time at the hospital with you I have to wonder if your W somehow found out. It would explain her "need" for you again.
I hope it all works out for you. Just don't be so sure you know your W all that well. IMO the "I see you are trying so I unblocked you on FB" seems like she is giving you a treat for following her training program.
If you think this is real progress from your W then please get rid of OW. You will have NO shot with your W if OW is still present. Just ask my H how quick you will get shot down in that scenario.
This is the time for you to eliminate complications and not add them in.
Oh she found out about OW for sure. When I called W and told her I was going into surgery and asked her to come to the hospital, she blanked weirdly and said she would see me the following day. I told the nurses to put her on the do not call list because I was so angry at her (and slightly doped on pain meds) because I felt abandoned and angry she would do that to me when I was going into surgery.
I had to have someone there to call my parents, friends, etc while I was in the hospital. It was late at night and I was being rushed into surgery and tried about 4-5 friends before calling Professor Cat Lady to come and make arrangements. She came and called everyone for me and informed them what was going on and stayed until my surgery was complete, then left. My parents didn't show up until the following day.
A few hours later W woke up and realized the gravity of the situation I was in and tried calling the hospital. Since she was on the do not call list, they acted like I wasn't there. She kept calling and calling and at one point one of the nurses said, "Are you the wife or the girlfriend?"
Yeah, she knows.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Have you seriously read through all of John's threads? Kimmie Lee hit it right on the button. His W is the biggest manipulator since Rasputin and Svengaly(sp) and only did this small gesture so that John will do something for her. There is no thaw and why would there be. What changed in the dynamic of their R?
Lots of the hospital drama could have been avoided. I understand you were scared and unprepared to have to endure such an experience but learn from your mistakes.
If you are not living with your W and your marriage is not stable you should have a Health Care Proxy. If you Google your state and "health care proxy form" the document should be free to download. It's a detailed document stating your wishes if you are unable to make medical decisions or if you need assistance during times of medical emergencies. It also removes your W from the equation.
Fill out the form and have your attny or a notary sign it. Shrink it down and put it in your wallet. Give a copy to all of your health care providers. Anybody going through a separation/divorce should have one.
Had you had something put in place you would not have had to scramble around and make calls and put people on "do not call lists". The Health Care Proxy document would have all of that spelled out.
My sister is my Health Care Proxy and my mom is my secondary Proxy. It saves you from lots of drama and stress should a medical situation come up during a divorce/separation.
Have you seriously read through all of John's threads? Kimmie Lee hit it right on the button. His W is the biggest manipulator since Rasputin and Svengaly(sp) and only did this small gesture so that John will do something for her. There is no thaw and why would there be. What changed in the dynamic of their R?
HIH - I don't want to argue, but I thought I made it clear earlier. What she asked me to do (fax something) is very not like her. She didn't need me to do it. She could have done it herself. It wasn't anything really that important (the fax). It is VERY unlike her to ask me to do something especially when she has to have this sense of "doing it on her own". She's testing me again to see what I'll do, or if I'll blow up at her and go cold like I've done in the past.
The hospital thing really shook her up. I know it did. I can't explain it but it did.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You seem like a good guy; a passionate guy; a guy that would give the only shirt off of his back to someone in need. However, IMO from reading your posts you are a guy that needs to be needed and will attach themselves to the next person who can feel that need.
One of the golden nuggets that I got early on from this site is that it is not healthy to need someone, but it is okay to want to be with someone. I do not need my W to be happy or to "complete me" as the romantic in me would say. You need to find it within you to turn those needs into wants. And TH is right you are in a sitch where it is beyond armchair psychology and free advice.
I have mentioned it and I know many other posters have as well have mentioned it. You need time to be alone and to find you and determine what John wants. John, you do not need anyone for you to be happy. What are you doing for GAL?
