Question about arguing

[FindingMyVoice]

Weekly...no way. We both work full time (together, same building might I add...and we carpool together). We had a date night in Sep, not in Oct, nothing so far in Nov.

Ohhhh nooooo GW... that worries me. You guys have kids then, I'm guessing? Wow. No date night since Sep. IMHO that's too long GW... these days we start getting scrappy and withdrawing if we go a couple weeks without. Is there anything you can do at all on a weekly basis? Even to make a special point of deciding together to buy a new bottle of wine (or whatever if you're not drinkers) every friday and share a quiet drink and just talk for a half-hour?

So how did you get past the Bridges of Madison County? Anything your husband could have done to get you past that sooner?

I think it was just what you're doing now GW - opening up. The more he tells me about his own thoughts, feelings, even fears and areas he feels weak, the more attracted I am to him. I know a lot of folks here talk about women not being attracted to a man who shares his feelings, but I'm just not like that I guess. When he does, I feel like...wow... I can really relate to what he's saying; that he feels the same way I do sometimes... just ...human... he makes mistakes like I do; he worries about work like I do. And, he talks to ME about it! Like, he values my opinion and wants to share these important things in his life with ME?! Then, combine that with him now starting to take time to show me how physically attracted he is to me? Wow. Phew. Heady stuff. It just makes me feel that I'm so important and significant to him. That's when the whole 'bridges' thing fades away.

But the date nights..yeek GW... it's so important. IMHO you gotta start with something in that direction.

[gutwrenching]

Yes we have kids, two of them, 4 and almost 9. I know, I'm worried about the lack of date night too...ESPECIALLY since we both agree that NEVER doing them in the past hurt our M/R.

And you know, deep down, that may have added to the arguement this weekend. This past weekend was our best shot at doing a date night...and then this work social function (of hers) came up that we went too instead. And she keeps saying that she is supposed to be planning the next date night (not sure how that got in her brain, but I don't want to discourage it), but it hasn't happened.

So, you are very correct and I needed someone to confirm it for me, throw it my face, something like that. So I am going to ask her if she has a preference on Fri or Sat night (she leaves Sunday afternoon for trip...that I am nervous about), and not really give her an option to back out.

I like the buy a bottle of wine together for Fridays. She has recently developed an interest in wine much more so than ever before and picking one out for a Friday night is such a great idea...we can do with the kids/family movie night we do on Fridays. Perfect mix!

[FindingMyVoice]

I like the buy a bottle of wine together for Fridays. She has recently developed an interest in wine much more so than ever before and picking one out for a Friday night is such a great idea...we can do with the kids/family movie night we do on Fridays. Perfect mix!

Wow... sounds like busy household! No wonder it's tough to find time for date nights. And wonderful if she's got a new interest in wine - that's a great way to connect with her - to show her you'd like to be part of the things she's interested in.

If you've got a pre-established ritual like your family movie nights you can tie it to, that could definitely help couldn't it? You won't forget or let it slip that way. Just a thought though... it doesn't sound like a lot of privacy if you're doing it while the kids are there. I think it's important that your attention is focussed on talking. My H and I do things together like watching movies too, but they never feel the same, you know? I think for a woman, the opportunity to have regular, meaningful conversations with her H is one of the ultimate forms of emotional intimacy.

Can you put the kids to bed, even 15 early, to squeak out some time just for each other afterwards? But still, all that being said, any port in a storm! If you think you can swing it while the kids are watching TV, go for it!

[gutwrenching]

FMV...thanks for the push! I just sent W a note, asking if she had a preference of Wed, Fri or Sat, because one of those was going to be date night. She replied right away how about Wed for a change of pace/routine. I told her consider it done, just need her to give me the babysitter list when we get home.

You really made me realize despite how much my ego/pride got hurt this weekend with the Bridges of Madison County comment and the tears over the feelings she just can't get rid of for OM...that it is really, really critical right now to get things back on track...especially with her work trip next week which is PRIME opportunity if she were to decide she needs to talk to OM about those feelings...we both don't need to go into this trip of hers on shaky grounds...

thanks for all the back and forth today

[FindingMyVoice]

Hey no worries GW, any time. I'm glad that even with my more limited frame of reference, I was able to help. Way to go taking the initiative to send the note, and what a great response from your W. Be sure to post and let us know how it goes.

[evolve35]

Hi GW,
I'm sorry to hear about the tough weekend.
I have to agree about taking the time together even with the strains of life and kids.
Speaking as a woman, reading the 5LL really opened my eyes to what I was missing from my H: quality time. I don't know what your W's LL is but I can tell you that I yearned for that more than anything. I finally gave up and started living status quo.
I also missed the look of love in my H's eyes. To see that again would have melted my heart in the biggest way.
We all just want to feel significant and important to each other. I miss that intimacy as a woman more than anything... it had not been there for at least 2 years. As I have said in the past, I was guilty of an EA without realizing it ~ 2 years ago. I was attracted to a man that I otherwise would never have been attracted to. He didn't have half the attributes that my H had. He wasn't better looking, he wasn't smarter, he wasn't kinder but he listened and that made me feel important. I knew he wanted me and that made me feel attractive when my self-esteem was at its lowest. I now know that I was using him as a crutch for all of the above reasons.
You are the better choice even when your pride/ego may say different. Try to remember that.
Even 15 mins would have been a building block for me.

[FindingMyVoice]

Kind of about arguing, kind of not. More wondering about how to give a spouse the benefit of the doubt.

The other day, H said something that kind of rubbed me the wrong way. It came across as insulting; disrespectful. However I was exhausted from trip home to see my parents (my dad's very ill) that I'd just come home from. So I didn't question him about what he'd said right then because I just didn't want to get into it.

So this simmers all that evening, then all day yesterday and all last night. By this morning I'm in full-scale insecurity mode and finally mentioned it. I can't even remember how I brought it up; I was careful not to blame and he handled it really kindly. Some gentle, loving teasing about insecurities and reassured me that I'd misunderstood his intent. So all's good. But it made me think of other times we've had interactions like this in the past. Many times it's ended up very badly indeed.

So I'm wondering this - when you spouse says something in everyday conversations that you feel is rude or hurtful how do you question what they said (to protect your boundaries in case they're starting to step over the line again) while at the same time showing them the respect they deserve in case you really just misunderstood their intent (or it was an innocent slip of the tongue)?

[gutwrenching]

how do you question what they said (to protect your boundaries in case they're starting to step over the line again) while at the same time showing them the respect they deserve in case you really just misunderstood their intent

Wow...I have wondered the same thing recently, though probably couldn't have stated it so well/clearly

[FindingMyVoice]

Phew! I'm glad I'm not the only one. My fear is that if you question them, you're almost accusing them in a way - like you're making them defend themselves against something they might not even be near feeling.

There's gotta be a way to word a question like that. Hopefully someone will pop by and share an idea or two with us.

[gutwrenching]

Hopefully...because I have seen my W get annoyed cause she feels I am accusing her and normally she quickly settles and says she realizes why I react that way, but I can tell she is still feeling disrespected...
Need to know how to do this better until there is enough trust to not have to deal wit this