[quote=idontunderstand] Yeah, well....She sleeps with her phone, showers with it, and when I do look at it, she is smart enough and has time to erase the msgs. I do look at the billing but the individual txt are not listed. [quote]
Are you talking about the text, or just how many messages and when each message was sent/received? You probably can't get the text, but you can get the dates, times and numbers that the texts were sent to/received from. I hacked into my W's account online and was able to get that information. Also, you could probably call the phone company and request that they send that detail to you.
Good luck IDU. Hang tough. I think you need to file. She has had enough cake.
Hang tough. I think you need to file. She has had enough cake.
I know what I should do. No matter how much space I give her while we are still in the same house, it's never enough. I can't do the laundry right or the dishes or anything else. She was always that way, though. I think that's part of the reason I stopped helping with certain things. Now I just do it and don't care what she says or how mad she gets. When she's gone, I will have to do it anyway. May as well get used to it. NOTHING makes her happy or relaxed at home. The kids drive her crazy, I drive her crazy either by not helping enough or in the right way or trying to do too much.
Like Coach said yesterday, I am the source of her feeling trapped. I thought I had let her go but it seems the only way to fully do that is to get the D rolling. Give her what she wants. We'll see if I can find my nut$ and do what I keep talking myself out of.
IDU, I know it's tough with the responsibilities, but how is GAL going lately? What have you done for yourself? Have to done any jamming? The time that you spend spying on her could be so much better spent bringing some positive into your life. It's so draining to live with the negativity...you need to find little ways to feel good as often as possible, not just as a father but as a person.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
When she's mad--how do you handle the conversation. You don't need to work on standing firm. You need to learn how to interact with her.
Well, I validate and really listen. Fri. night she was complaining about the sitter and I used some of Coach's suggested "lines." The convo went really well. I do have to stand up for myself when she comes up with her endless supply of CB. She hates when I call her out on it. For example, last night we were helping the twins with their homework. W was at the counter looking at the calendar when twin1 asked her a question about his homework because I was working with twin2 on his. She said to him, "Just give me a damn minute. I got a lot of shite on my mind and trying to figure out what in the hell we're going to do this week. Just give me two damn seconds." Twin1 hung his head and came back to the table. I said to her, calmly, "W, twin1 didn't deserve to be talked to that way. He was only asking for help, he did not need to be cussed at." She sneered and snickered and said she didn't cuss at him. I said that she had. She was trying to figure out sitters and who was going where for the week and she didn't see me doing anything to help. I said all she had to do was ask. She handles the sitters and continually says she will take care of it. She stormed of, very pissed and I finished up with homework.
It's like this almost all the time. If she initiates the convo, I listen, really listen. When I initiate anything, I get a grunt if anything. What am I missing? If you could give me some examples on how to interact differently with her, I would appreciate it.
Flowmom, GAL has been going great. Have been playing about every other weekend. Always fun. I don't think I really spy much. I don't check her laptop everyday or even every week. I know most communication takes place on her cell phone. Went to a friends 40th b'day party this weekend and just told W I was going out for a while. Had a great time. We all ended up in the hot tub. It was three other couples, me and another girl who was alone. She is also married and her H was at work. She said it wasn't right that everyone else was with someone and we were alone. She asked if she could be my "surrogate" spouse for the night. I said, sure. She got me drinks, sat on my lap, it was like a date with no chance of anything else happening. It reminded me of how things used to be and how much I miss it. Anyway, a good weekend.
IDU, I don't get the impression that the issue is you needing to "try harder" in your interactions with her. It's human nature that when you attach to a new person, you push away the old one and my guess is that's what your W is doing with you.
Glad to hear you're playing regularly and not wasting a lot of energy spying.
LOL about being a "surrogate spouse". Sounds like you haven't forgotten how to flirt
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
LOL about being a "surrogate spouse". Sounds like you haven't forgotten how to flirt
Yeah, it was good practice! Like I said, I knew nothing would come of it and so did she and it was relaxed and fun. She was the only one in the whole group that I didn't know and was very flirty, anyway. Five minutes after we met, she grabbed me and pulled me close while standing at a bonfire and told me to help "warm her up." I was more that happy to oblige and within minutes there were six or eight of us all huddled together, watching fire works.
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IDU, I don't get the impression that the issue is you needing to "try harder" in your interactions with her. It's human nature that when you attach to a new person, you push away the old one and my guess is that's what your W is doing with you.
I know this is true. I guess my question is what do people mean by doing something different? I have learned how important it is to listen and validate and think I do a pretty good job in that area. I go out and do things and don't give her any specifics and it does make her mad, but I don't let her anger get to me. I don't want to give up and I do see occasional changes and cracks in the wall. She is very fast at mending the cracks and the wall is back up and stronger than ever in no time at all.
I guess I'm scared that if I am the one to file, she will not have the humility, even if she all of a sudden had an epiphany, to try again. I know that's not in my control and I shouldn't worry about it, but I do. I know, there I go with my "feelings" again.
Thanks for always listening and always putting a smile on my face!
I think that sg is trying to be helpful, but as far as I know she hasn't followed your thread...am I right sg?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Well, the crap at school is really heating up. I knew it was a matter of time.
Last night was the monthly SB meeting. About five min after W left, the SB Pres called me and asked if I would be willing to come in and talk during the executive session. I asked what was going on and he said that W, super and W's new BFF were trying to get a teacher fired. This teacher happens to be one of the people who has been pretty vocal about improper conduct between W and super. W's BFF is the other v'ball coach who, until this year, didn't hang out with W or call much or was anything other than an acquaintance. This summer, she started taking the kids to her house to swim and play and they talk all the time.
Anyway, she was invited to the meeting to complain that the teacher was disrespecting the super in public during the b'ball tourney this weekend. Don't really know the whole story, but I will find out. The SB Pres. called it a witch hunt. During the meeting, W says that teacher is the one responsible for all of the "false rumours" about her and super and that she had seen teacher's cell# on my phone bill. The SB Pres said that he would call me and ask me to come in and set the record straight. They immediately started denying anything improper ever happened and I didn't need to be involved. Also, the teacher wasn't allowed to be at the meeting to defend herself.
So, next month she will be there to tell her side and I will be there to confirm the rumours and let everyone know that it is not the teacher causing trouble. This guy is a snake. He has half the board on his side, but they are only hearing what he and my W want them to hear. They assume all of the rumours are just that; rumours. The only thing I feel like I need to go in there and do or say is they are not just roumors. I want to save my M and keep my family together, but I can't take part in someone getting sacrificed and run into the ground to protect their secret. I have to face that my M is probably over and do what's right to help another person out who has done nothing wrong.
My God, what a mess. I never, ever thought it would go this far. I don't guess it's any worse that the astronaut driving with a diaper on across country to be with her lover. I have a month to be sure I'm not doing this out of spite or revenge or to run her name in the ground. I think it's the right thing to do. This is wrong on so many levels.
1) DO NOT talk to your wife about this. Not one flippin' word. Do not confirm, deny anything! It would be like pointing a loaded gun at your head. If she brings it up, hold up your hand and leave the room.
2) Talk to a lawyer about he ramifications here. (What you can/can't say; what you can/can't prove) Do not tell your wife ANYTHING about talking to a lawyer. You need to be the best armed man in the room.
3) With your attorney prepare a BRIEF written statement. Tell the board that you will be happy to answer any and all of their questions after a brief statement that should answer most if not all of their questions. That gets what YOU want to say into the record.
and my guess is that's what your W is doing with you.
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