2 years later it's still not getting easier

[missmyfriend]

IMO, if your wife is sincerely wanting you to be there, I would. If it is simply to be there for your kids, I would be there. And I agree about letting go but letting go doesn't mean its over. It means that you love someone enough to let them do what they feel they need to do.

A huge concern for anyone, including me, is to be considered a door mat. While I would watch my wife's dog, I won't buy her a dog. While I would help her, if asked, to move a sofa or hang a picture, I won't buy her a sofa. I am not worrying about the consequences of her actions because that is not up to me. I will choose to show her unconditional love because I promised that I would love her in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad (and isn't separation and divorce the epitome of bad?) but there are times when I can be getting in the way of what has to happen in order for her to progress through MLC or whatever she is going through.

I no longer believe in "tough love". I tried that (and I don't think that is what Michele espouses) and it smacked me right in the face. Instead, I considered how I would treat someone if they were going through an addiction or a mental illness. It isn't up to me to tell her she has an addiction or a mental illness but I can choose whether I can lovingly be there for her in small ways where I am not trying to manipulate the situation. Honestly, most of us, me included, have a nature of wanting others to feel the pain we are in. It is an opposite reaction for me to assist someone who has hurt me when asked.

My wife rarely asks me to help her. She is very proud. When she does, I consider reasons to help her and reasons why I shouldn't help her. I don't help her financially because, while I am not poor, I have my own financial burdens. And she hasn't asked for financial assistance.

Something my mom always tells me when I am feeling rather negative about something my wife has done or said is "do not focus on the circumstances because you have no idea what is really happening". She is right. I don't know what is happening.

We have all been told that this can be a very long term process while our spouses are making this weird odyssey. If we react to each positive and negative circumstance, it will drive us crazy.

A lot of people may disagree with me, but my recommendation is to love your wife. I'm not saying to say it (definitely do not unless your relationship with her is okay with that) but demonstrate it with acts of genuine expressions of love without expectation of anything in return. In my situation, it is limited to picking up the kids for her when she is feeling sick or very tired.

My point is, if you want to go to the halloween party, I would go. If she wants you there and you start saying no, she may quit asking. Depending upon her personality, if she feels you have moved on, she may decide she is interfering and won't ask anymore. She may build up walls between the two of you.

It is encouraging that people think you two are still together because the amount of time you spend together. If those questions don't bother your wife, then that is a good thing.

[whitneypinch]

I was just pulling out of the driveway after dropping off my kids.
When I read what you wrote I picked up the phone and called my X to ask if I can come.
She said absolutely.

I have to say your post was the best posts I have ever read.
I can't thank you enough for writting such a fantasic note.
It will give me so much to think about.

I can't write a more detailed response right now but will when I get a chance.

[whitneypinch]

Ok, so I went out with my kids and XW trick or treating.
It was really nice. IThe kids were through the roof happy that I came along. My X was very aware how happy they were.
My X was able to see how close I am with my kids. The kids and I have a very loving relationship.
After I hung out and watched the kids divide up the candy and then left.

My X and I texted a few times after the event and both said we had fun.

Feeling a bit empty today and my kids are with her. It sort of goes along with the experience to feel down the next day. I just want more...but that is not to happen.

Oh ya, on Saturday I took my kids to the symphony for their first time. It was a great evening for us !
My X went to a Halloween party dressed up as cop in a really dirty costume.
It was heartbreaking to hear that. She is still craving attention.

[whitneypinch]

My XW has gone back to being cold and distant to me again.
Seems like this is a common pattern for these WAW's.

Tonight I am taking my daughter to see the Carrie Underwood concert. We are soooo fortunate, we are going back stage to do a meet and greet with Carrie.

My 7 year old daughter is a very lucky little girl. She has meet Taylor Swift and Kelly Pickler as well.

Just have to continue to try to just focus on my kids.

I will tell you hearing that my XW was at a Halloween party dressed in a slutty cop costume has really, really upset me. What happened to the girl I married ?

[awest1217]

whitneypinch - I just read parts of your thread and it really resonated with me because I am the same way with my H. We will be D'd officially on Jan 13. I filed because he continually said he didn't want to be my H, but didn't want to file either. He said he wanted the family, but not the marriage. I finally filed when I got a postcard from his travel agent that was a thank you for booking a trip and it was addressed to H and OW sent to my house.

Anyway, that is the short of my story, but what I like about what I am reading with you is that I am also very "friendly" with my H. We will text about S all the time. We even spend S's birthday together and went to a college football game together because I didn't want to miss out on S's first game. It is always hard for me because H and I get along great, and I can't understand why he doesn't want to make it work.

Saying that, I did last night set a boundary for H and I. He wants to bring up sentimental things every once in a while and be buddy-buddy with me. I told him that it had to stop because it hurts me too much. He will go a week of talking almost every day and other weeks of nothing. I said I will talk to him every day about S and do things with him and S, but beyond being good coparents, I don't want to know anything else. We will still get along great, but there is a boundary that I don't want to cross because it hurts me, and I think it is only when H is being ignored by OW (she is still married).

I completely understand what you are going through and glad to feel some support through your post. S has a great D life in that H and I work together all the time, and it sounds like that you what you are doing too. I wish you the best.

missing - I also like what you put. I would still help H out if he needed help and he will do the same for me, but I won't be responsible for him anymore. I agree with always loving your spouse. I will listen to H when he talks about work or wants to vent, but I draw the line at talking about sentimental things like how the watch that I got him for our anniversary broke.

[whitneypinch]

Hi awest1217,

Thanks for the post.

Ya, this is a hard journey to go through.

One of the things that I struggle the most with is that I do so many amazing experiences with my kids. Every time I do that I have pangs that my XW is not with us. I always end up sending photos to my ex.

I don't get it either...we had such a great night on Halloween and I want more of those. She on the other hand has gone cool to me again.

Oh well, we just move forward.

BTW the Carrie Underwood concert last night was incredible. My daughter and I got to meet Carrie backstage before the show. It was lot's of fun.

[movinonORnot]

Hi WP,

I just finished reading the whole thread... I too have been divorced close to 2 years now, I am also a father of 2 wonderful boys ages 11 and 7. I don't want to sound like I know everything and I won't claim to be an expert. All the advice that has been given are good and as I read you did follow most of them. Based on what I have read, it seems that for every invitation that you receive I observed that you feel down after the event. May I suggest that what ever you have decided to do or not to do... is to not to attach any "Expectations" to it. Most of the time if there are "Expectations" attached to a deed... and somehow you don't get the "Results" it brings out your "Feeling down/empty" afterwards.

You can say yes to every invitation but have "Zero" expectations. I believe you need to go back to basics and practice "Detachment". You are not yet in a place where you can interact with your ex without getting hurt after wards.

Try to be the best dad you can be without expecting any "brownie points" from your XW (sort of like a "pat in the back"). Do it for the kids and you nothing else. "Accept" that this is already your situation and "Let Go and Let GOD" do the rest. I was given an advice before... that "as long as you do your best and leave the rest to GOD" then and only then you will see what is really meant for you. Blessings will start to show up. Sometimes we as human beings get caught up with all our accomplishments and think that we actually did it by ourselves. We lose track that God helped us along the way of our accomplishments. We become too proud, and forget to thank him and give at least a small credit to him... sometimes don't even acknowledge that he even exist.

[whitneypinch]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I hear you 100% about expectations. As we are know it's not easy on any of us.
It's hard as human beings not to have hope. Hope sometimes comes in the form of expectations.

Today I got a call out of the blue on a project that I have been working on.
It's funny, after I received the call I was thinking fate has a way of showing up when you least expect it.

I am not a religious person but I do understand everything is for a reason.
Just not so clear what that reason is yet

[missmyfriend]

@movinonORnot - excellent points. I have to say it took me forever to detach and not expect a "pat on the head". Once I have, it became much easier (and also I felt more love toward my life instead of resentment).

@whitney - If you can successfully detach (without losing the desire to restore your family/marriage), I think you will enjoy the moments with your wife and children more without feeling the highs and lows so often. Praying for you, your wife and your children.

[whitneypinch]

Thanks so much for the reply. I really do appreciate hearing from everyone.

I am trying hard to detach.
The truth is I start to gain some distance and that's about when I get sucked back in.

I am still dealing with a high level of resentment.

My heart goes out to all of you parents who are separated from your children.