I thought you said your back-up plan was to continue without her, because these are things you enjoy?
Yes, I did say that. I won't shut down the dancing, and I wouldn't expect her to either. I would have to decide what to do about the competition. If she won't compete with me, should I pursue a different partner? I would continue group lessons, monthly private lessons with the lady teacher, going to Salsa venues with my W, going to the weeknight ballroom venue by myself or with my W, practicing on my own.
As I'm writing I realize the question is, do I let her keep me out of dance competitions? Am I free to pursue another practice partner?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I thought you said your back-up plan was to continue without her, because these are things you enjoy?
Yes, I did say that. I won't shut down the dancing, and I wouldn't expect her to either. I would have to decide what to do about the competition. If she won't compete with me, should I pursue a different partner?
Yes.
But then again, I think you just answered that for yourself, didn't you.
But then again, I think you just answered that for yourself, didn't you.
I did? I see it as a gray matter reflecting the title of my thread, Love and Boundaries. Will pursuing an interest in dance competitions without my W, harm the R? I may be getting ahead of myself, but I'm trying to anticipate problems better.
Of course, my effort needs to be going into resolving our dance conflict, in the meantime. I need to relax into this problem, and trust that I can find a workable solution, no matter what happens.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
If she won't compete with me, should I pursue a different partner? I would continue group lessons, monthly private lessons with the lady teacher, going to Salsa venues with my W, going to the weeknight ballroom venue by myself or with my W, practicing on my own.
This seems perfectly reasonable, loving and healthy to me, and I think doing this would help you with your R, long-term. Oh, she may b*tch and moan at first (she's quite good at that ), but I think you showing that strength -- that boundary -- would be good for you, long- and even medium-term.
This is probably a discussion for another day, but I'd really like to challenge you on your whole thread title, because I don't think "Love" and "Boundaries" are opposites. Done properly, setting and enforcing boundaries can be
As I'm writing I realize the question is, do I let her keep me out of dance competitions?
That's a victim mentality, it's why your wife calls you a whiner. It's why you are so frustrated and not getting what you want. You decide what you want and act accordingly.
How often is you wife affectionate, say ILY, initiates ML and filling your love buckets?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How often is you wife affectionate, say ILY, initiates ML and filling your love buckets?
Is it that simple? I decide what I want and than do it? I assume that factors in how it would affect her and the R. I also assume I should consider what my intent is. Beyond that, you are right. I need to show more strength and courage, and be more fearless.
We're not doing so great in the intimacy department.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This seems perfectly reasonable, loving and healthy to me, and I think doing this would help you with your R, long-term. Oh, she may b*tch and moan at first (she's quite good at that ), but I think you showing that strength -- that boundary -- would be good for you, long- and even medium-term.
I revised my thread title at your suggestion. I remember last year (09') when I was out going to lessons on my own, and going out dancing on my own. I bacame a different person. I was a "single" guy, and enjoying myself, without crossing any lines. She devalues it openly, but I believe it made an impression.
I decided to not wait until the lesson, where my W would have control, to address the conflict. I shared with her my opinion as to why dance practices were not going well. I pointed out the different options--limiting the number of dances we compete in, dropping out, switching to Pro-Am instead of competing together. I voted for limiting our dances to three, the make the work manageable.
I called the instructor this morning, and spoke with him about the trouble we were having, and how our original target of 3-5 dances in two months was causing me stress, and affecting the dance partnership. He revised the number to two. I told my W, and she agreed to this.
Her other complaint to our instructor, was that we don't practice enough. I spend a fair amount of time reviewing dance video, and practicing on my own, but I only get credit from her for the amount of time we practice together, and the quality of the practices. She wants to practice 4X per week (too high a target IMO, but I agreed). I think we'll end up practicing 2X per week, but I'll ask her at least 4X, as she suggests.
The teacher told me that that he and his partner had similar conflicts, and that my struggles are part of the learning curve. I believe my W and I can do an excellent job with two dances, versus mediocre ones with several.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I was able to lead and problem solve to create a good practice session last night with my W. She noted that she saw improvement. I think I'm going to need to be the leader with this dance project, as my W is preoccupied with her job and health problems.
She has decided to attend the smoking cessation classes at our fitness center. The first one is tonight. I didn't nag her about it, and was surprised when she brought it up. He coughing has increased, so hopefully she goes. She asked me if I would be upset if she didn't quit. I told her I would never be upset with her for trying. I think a support group is just what she needs, for this type of problem.
She's stressed about her new PT job. She's helping with bookkeeping for a disorganized restaurant owner. Hopefully, she will adapt to this. I'm not going to let her stress, pull me away from my activities. Her procrastination with job-hunting has contributed to this. If she wants a different job, she will need to take initiative. I'm glad that I have the fitness center and the dance studio as getaways to manage my own stress. I will keep up my routines.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
), but I think you showing that strength -- that boundary -- would be good for you, long- and even medium-term.