Now they want to meet up out of town to see a film, stay overnight and then go to an art exhibition (both probably not my kind of thing) His wife knows nothing of these meetings past and planned. I have expressed my discomfort at this escalation but my wife is angry at `not being trusted' . How far does trust reach.
No way, dude. Tell her it's not happening. If she wants it to happen, you're done.
Well I have learned one thing about a WAW is just because they have a low sex drive with you, surly dosent mean that they have a low sex drive. "WAW I will not live in an open marriage" period.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
So if she needs to go, absolutely needs to go, maybe one of your daughters would also like to go. Compromise, Mom and daughter sleeps in the same room.
Not the same as trust.
But if she is ok with the idea...maybe nothing was planning on happening.
As an aside,
You wife is heading out of town to see an art exhibit and a film. Something that is not your thing. Is your wife your thing? Is spending time and doing stuff with her your thing?
I'd personally expand your list of 'things' otherwise someone else...like this old BF might.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well I have learned one thing about a WAW is just because they have a low sex drive with you, surly dosent mean that they have a low sex drive. "WAW I will not live in an open marriage" period.
100% the 30 year old ex is a scumbag. I'd sooner trust a pack of dingos to babysit my youngest son than his intentions.
But his wife? Either something has happened or something is planning on happening, or nothing has happened but she likes the 'feeling' of attention and attraction as all those chemicals flood her brain.
Toby, you're not sure if you trust your wife...ehh judgement call on your part.
BUT you sure as hell shouldn't be trusting the 30 year old ex in regards him honoring the boundaries of your wife's marriage to you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
So if she needs to go, absolutely needs to go, maybe one of your daughters would also like to go. Compromise, Mom and daughter sleeps in the same room.
Not the same as trust.
But if she is ok with the idea...maybe nothing was planning on happening.
As an aside,
You wife is heading out of town to see an art exhibit and a film. Something that is not your thing. Is your wife your thing? Is spending time and doing stuff with her your thing?
I'd personally expand your list of 'things' otherwise someone else...like this old BF might.
Maybe "nothing" was planned but let's be real about this situation, she is reaching out to a man she was once very much in love with, someone that let her go. She had some strong feelings for him and it's quite possible they still exist, otherwise why the constant email, letter writing and phone conversations, why invite him over to the house, why the need to see him, why the need to spend time with him? She is behaving the way a spouse behaves when they have feelings for another person, rationalizing her behaviors as only a "friendship" connection.
Why is she reaching out to this other man to fill a role that you should be fulfilling?
You've admitted it, these are things that she likes that you don't like. It's ok to be an individual in a relationship, to enjoy things on your own and for her to enjoy things on her own but if you become an island and there is no connection between the two of you, she will seek out that connection with another man, she wants an emotional connection with another man. I'm sure these interests and hobbies of hers are important but lets be serious about something, if it was just about the hobby or interest, she could do this with another girlfriend, she wouldn't have to do this with another man - especially someone she had strong feelings for in the past. She is going out of town to spend time with him, to be with him, this is what women do when they're in love with another man, they make up reasons & excuses to be with the other man.
I'm just going to say it, the relationship she has with the other man is inappropriate, continue doing what you're doing and she's going to hook up with this other guy, I $hit you not.
Ask her how important this other man is to her, if it's really worth risking her marriage over? Tell her she is free to go with him, free to go out of town and spend an overnighter out of town with the other man. Tell your wife that you have a female co-worker that is interested in you and up until out of respect for your wife and your marriage, you have always declined every invite to go to a movie, sporting event, to a bar for a drink, etc. But if you're wife feels that it's ok for her to spend so much time communicating with this other man, spend time with him, go out of town with him, spend overnights out of town with him, than you will stop declining your female co-worker's requests to go out and spend time with her. And also tell her that when you do this, you will consider your marriage to your wife over instead of dealing with the inevitable bull$hit that transpires when men and women get too "friendly".
If this other man is worth a divorce to your wife and worth it for you to spend time with another woman, then tell her by all means to go out and spend time with the other man. You've tolerated too much with this "friendship" and she is now pushing past the kind of boundary that forces decisions to be made about the marriage going forward.
This isn't about you being insecure or jealous, this is about you tolerating what kind of marriage you will be a part of. Your wife is going out on a date with another man, going out of town to spend time with him and do things with him - what else would you call this activity?
That feeling in your gut about this being wrong on some level exists for a reason, people ignore that feeling and assume that being a "nice guy" about it all and being ok with this type of behavior will win your points, but usually the opposite is achieved, you don't win anything except for a spouse who is cheating on you.
"Nip this in the bud" right now, if not, continue doing what you're doing and I can pretty much guarantee what happens between your wife and this other man.
One last thing, this isn't all about your wife being wrong with what she's doing here either by pursuing this other man (she is responsible for her actions, no worries), but you've killed the emotional connection between you and your wife, she wouldn't have to seek out this connection with another man if the connection between the two of you was maintained by you the right way.
