Sandi2 You are right, I am scared. I am scared that she has not ended her EA and just lied to me again. I am scared that she will hate me for forcing her to make a decision right now when she is not sure of what will happen to her if she has to leave. I am scared of not being able to care for my children by myself. She says our problems are not related to this other person. This is how I have been tried to show leadership and that I have changed. I am taking an active role in caring for the kids on the weekends and some week nights. I am fixing things around the house and getting things organized and cleaned up. I do not know how to make her start suffering due to her unfaithfulness. I am not telling her that I love her, I am not having any physical contact with her and I am trying really hard not to cry when she can see me. I know that I have to take the initiative, but other than going to MC on Dec 1, I do not know what else to do. Not talking about R will be easy because I dread it too now. Do I ask her if she ended EA yet? Should I act as if I care?
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
I am talking to her tonight. We talked briefly on the phone this morning. She is "still in love" with OM. I listened to what I have heard now many times from her. I could almost recite it by now.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
I understand how you can "almost recite it by now".. My circumstance isn't the same, except for my W wanting to make our separation "legal"(divorce), but I listen, and listen, and understand her. But when will our spouses listen back?
BI - We understand that you are hurting, but if you are going ignore the advice given here then why even post?
You have been advised to stop contacting her. Stop pleading with her. Stop asking her about her R with OM. Do you enjoy being kicked in the balls?
Listen to what Sandi and others have said. She doesnt RESPECT you. I would go as far as saying she probably tells her BF that you are weak and make her sick. Why fight for a person like this? It's time that you stand up for yourself and your family. What would you do if your daughter or son was being treated like this by somebody? Im guessing we'd see a different MAN.
I know this is hard, but you need to take a stand for YOU and your FAMILY. Go see an attorney asap. Seperate your finances. Cut her off. SHow her you will not be DISRESPECTED like this. Until you do she will not even consider a future with you.
PMA: If I separate the finances, she will leave and move to Idaho with her aunt. I know that I can stop her from moving the kids out of state but then she either moves away by herself, leaving the kids behind, or she stays here with no means of survival and kids will suffer because they will be away from their mother or living with her in dire straits. Calling a lawyer at this point is a possibility, but then I have to decide if I tell her before or afterward and what her reaction will be in either case. I do not even know what that would accomplish other than starting the war.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
I talked to my wife again yesterday. I realized that my posts are biased and paint me as the victim of a sick person when that is not entirely truth. We are both victims of each other. She does not take responsibility for her decisions and frankly until recently, neither have I. In talking to her, I realized how much I have to change for myself, for my children for her, and for the marriage to work. Reading other threads here, has helped a lot as well. Yes, she is a WAW and does not realize this yet, but I made it very easy for her to stray and make decisions that were not good for our marriage, our children, and ultimately herself. I realized how stubborn I have been and how reluctant to look at my self first when I should have listened to her criticism and how my behavior was influencing her and our children.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
I realized that my posts are biased and paint me as the victim of a sick person when that is not entirely truth.
Pretty normal for the LBS to do this buddy.
Quote:
We are both victims of each other
Okay question for YOU....pick a door below:
Door # 1 - live your life as a victim, constantly beating yourself up for you PAST mistakes OR
Door # 2 - Accept your past mistake and CHANGE YOUR FUTURE!
Which, door would you pick?
Quote:
She does not take responsibility for her decisions and frankly until recently, neither have I
Can you control what she takes responsibility for?
Quote:
In talking to her, I realized how much I have to change for myself, for my children for her, and for the marriage to work.
Change for YOU - and you will never regret this NOR will you fail. Change for someone else and you will always be trying to [b]make{/b] someone see or feel something that YOU cannot control.
Quote:
I realized how stubborn I have been and how reluctant to look at my self first
And now that you know this what are you going to do about it.
Honestly, ya did what you knew how to do - ya know better know, so just do better.
DB 101 - change YOU!
Dude, make this about you!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks Eric, I listed myself first as my motivation for change but truly, if I was the only reason, I would feel selfish. My children need me to change because they learn their behavior from me and my wife (we really do not have extended family)and for that reason, she needs to change as well. She will not change unless I change first and become a role model, so that is why she is listed. I know that her changing in a positive way does not follow from me doing so but I believe is a necessary condition. I am the one that has to get the ball rolling. If we did not have children together, I do not see a reason why I should care about her future life but we do, and she will always be the mother of my children.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Thanks Eric, I listed myself first as my motivation for change but truly, if I was the only reason, I would feel selfish. My children need me to change because they learn their behavior from me and my wife (we really do not have extended family)and for that reason, she needs to change as well. She will not change unless I change first and become a role model, so that is why she is listed. I know that her changing in a positive way does not follow from me doing so but I believe is a necessary condition.
BI.....
Dude, I agree with some of what you are sayin here..
Change is something you do for yourself though.
You have to want, it for it to stick around ....
IF you decide to make those changes for anyone else ( including the children) , then you are selling yourself short of what you are truly capable of.
And although you want to change, you are only gonna change enough to want your wife to come back....
These changes you make, they have to be real, they have to make sense, and the have to be for you....and you alone.
You can be a light for your wife to see through her fog, but you can't be her role model....that would be kinda arrogant.
Right now I want to sort what is worth keeping of the old me and what needs to change drastically. Self knowledge is a goal of mine that I have neglected in the past. I know that sometimes I sound arrogant and I have to explore how much of that is true. One thing I have identified in me is that I have an irrational fear of rejection. I always have and I can't quite explain why. I causes me to reject people before they have a chance to reject me. I am afraid to give because I can't handle the rejection of my gift. I am afraid to ask for what I want or to even identify what I want because I can't take "no" for an answer. If I were to generalize my fear I would say that it is really fear of failure. And what I am slowly realizing is that the only thing to fear is fear itself (yes, I know Roosevelt). So another of my goals is to overcome my irrational fears I also need to manage my ADD and OCD effectively. Depression is temporary for me, not chronic, but it bothers me a little bit that it goes away with the Zoloft without much effort on my part. Another goal that is part of my GAL is to reconnect with my old friends and make new ones, but the rejection thing is a big obstacle here.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
