When the boards went down I was in a middle of a crisis (and sadly I don't remember which one), but I made it through, though I have found myself retreating into myself. At some points I had previously thought that I spent too much time on the boards, but after almost a month off, I have found that these boards keep me focused on moving forward (with some steps backwards), but there is a sense of accountability here that doesn't exist to the same degree in the real world.
Brief Summary: Sadly I am listed as a success story on one of the threads, 9 years ago my H moved out and we were separated for a period of time, I worked hard on myself and H “came to his senses”. He had done IC and then invited me along and we did some MC. We had a happy marriage (so I thought) until the day of bomb #2. H was offered a job 1000 miles away, we decided to take it and I stayed behind to sell our home and help the boys finish the school year. We then moved down and I was told that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Little by little the full story came out that he is in love and has asked someone else to marry him. He moved out and the kids and I live in our home. As time progresses, I don’t know if I want him back. Last time he wasn’t in a PA (EA, yes), it is different this time. I have not closed the door on that possibility, but I don’t have that desperate need to have him back that I did a few months ago. So I struggle, do I belong here? If I’m not trying to actively save my marriage, is this the place for me? But I think the DB principals save ourselves and can keep the door open and I know I’m not doing so well without DB, so if you will have me, I will stay.
I am fearful of many things: financials, loneliness, raising children on my own, becoming bitter, battling through the divorce (I am horrible at conflict – I usually turn to mush) the list seems to keep growing. But I do know I can do this, it just sucks at the moment. I want to re-read my last thread and take notes of the pertinent points, because I know there was some excellent advice. I need to GAL, this moping around the house has to stop. I need to pull out my DB book from under the pajamas and read it, somewhere I even have a list of 180s that I should start reading and doing.
Thanks, my cyber-friends, for helping me get through this.
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
All valid fears Dagny. It's important to focus on the reality of the situation when the fear arises. For instance:
1)Financials Fear - We are going to be homeless without H's contribution!! Reality - You will have to cut back on everything (housing cost, groceries, meals out, trips, etc.) but you will economize yourself into a reasonable budget.
2)Bitterness Ok, I'll admidt that is a toughy. I struggle with bitterness and cynicism but the bouts of it are getting shorter and shorter. When you start to feel bitter, focus on something or someone that you are most happy with. If the time with your kids is the happiest then focus on them until the feeling passes. If you need to escape into a good book to get through it, then do that.
3)Loneliness Fare - I'll be alone and sad forever! Reality - Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Embrace alone time for what it is - OPPORTUNITY! Time to yourself to find the new you, the inner you that has been stuffed down for too long. Loneliness is combatted by getting yourself out into the world and involved in an activity, a hobby, a sport, anything that will get you surrounded by people with an interest in the same thing.
4)Raising children on your own Fear - These kids are going to run roughshod over me now that it's just me!!!! Reality - They may, for a short time. It's up to you to lay down the law and then make your family a GROUP EFFORT. Your kids are all old enough to be told the real deal and to be productive, contributing members to their own family and their upbringing. It's not ALL on your shoulders. You have friends, family, kid's friends parents, etc.. Everyone will pitch in. That whole "It takes a village" was not just talk.
I hope some of that helps you to start wrapping your mind around those fears. They are some of the techniques I learned from my IC. She was wonderful. I wish she hadn't retired or I'd still be seeing her, especially now that everything has gotten so overwhelming again.
Hope you have a great day!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hang in there Dagny. I'm sure everyone here will be willing to help you if that is what you need. I haven't been there, but you may want to check out the Surviving the big D board. not sure if they have different/better advice for your sitch over there or not.
You CAN do this, will it hurt, sure, will there be moments of unrelenting anger, of course, but you will get through it. i usally state some of my facts of my life and relationships and it is uplifting for others, so here you go:
I'm on my 3rd marriage, 1st one exh got custody i paid over $600/mo and had to move home with mom.
2nd marriage, exh was from europe, i tried living there, could not take being away from d, was miserable and guilt ridden. he tried to live in usa but he had 2 children from his 1st marriage, our only solution was to divorce, we tried the long distance thing, didn't work
#3 met a boy/man 10 yrs younger, him 26 me 36, mommas boy, partier, drinker, i became codependent after knowing him for a few months and my mom/dad/grandfather/uncle passed away in a matter of 3 years, 1 child born, 1 miscarriage another child born. for teh 5 yrs of our relationship, he left us 1st time for 8 months and when pregnant with 2nd child left when i was 4 months pregnant.
i've ALWAYS been a strong woman, and not getting help to deal with all the deaths and stress, miscarraiges,everthing KILLED our marriage.
we have now been seperated a year, i see him 3 times a day for exchanges, some seem ok like we are a family, especially when d3 grabs my hand and his hand. i don't mean we are a family only in appearances. other times we are screaming and yelling at one another pushing each others buttons.
YOU can do anything, you may not like it, it may go against your morals to raise 2 kids without their father or blended family.
I live sleep, shower, eat everything my 2 youngest kids, i don't get sleep, i work, i am established, i have cut back on spending, not that i did anyways, found ways to earn more money, i'm a teacher so i teach extra classes so i do not have to rely upon support from h, did i mention he's not legally permitted to work in the united states,. that there is no legal recourse so i've been advised to collect child support and my kids could be taken across the border and nto seen again, those are some of my fears, there is tons more but my point is, we all have been there.
no cliche will help at this point or maybe it will, live one moment at a time, build it up to an hour and just keep plugging away,.
what are your short term goals?
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
You can do it Dagny! I kind of feel that I'm in the same boat as you. I just don't care anymore, I don't care if H is lying, I don't care if he thinks he should be around our daughter . . . I just don't care, I'm not trying for this anymore. I know what would be best for our daughter and me, but I can't make him make the decisions to do what's best (if I could, I'd still have my family). All of those are valid fears, I definitely feel them, but I also try to keep the reality of everything in view. I love these boards because you do get so much advice from so many different view points.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
How does everyone get so smart around here? Thanks for stopping by! Mishka, I like how each fear is addressed to show that it can be overcome, might not be easy, but it isn’t impossible, I just need to be open to it. Dan F, I probably do need to switch over to the D thread, not quite ready to make that leap, it is one more hurdle to jump, one more reality to face. Jstar, wow, you have had a lot thrown at you and sounds so strong. I’ve been thinking about goals these past few days, I need to set some, aim at nothing, hit nothing. Kell – some days I don’t care about the lying and other days I just can’t believe that after 22 years he can so easily take to lying. I know we can do it, it just sucks! Whine, whine, whine! I want to go back to when life was easy, but I know we need to move forward and some day we will be the better for it. Right? The last few weeks continue to have new challenges to face. My H in his wisdom drove 12 hours with his mistress to a Penn State game to sit in our season ticket seats. Of course, with 100,000 people there he manages to run into the one person (Fred) from our old town who hates him. I learn about this 2 weeks after the event as Fred is going around telling the community that H is cheating on his wife, he is a hypocrite who acts like a boy scout leader and is doing this to his family, etc. etc. This gets to the middle school and now all the scouts are talking about what scum H is. To this point the kids know nothing about the mistress. S14 starts getting texts and emails asking what is up. My C takes my call and she says that H needs to tell the kids (kids are with H, I’m out of town this week). So H tells the kids that he took a friend up to Penn State to show her around. I asked if H told them, he said yes and they aren’t upset. I talk to the kids and find out that a month prior to this H introduced them to her at a bowling event. I had been suspicious of the bowling outing as S11 told me they ran into someone at work and H paid for everyone. But H lied to the kids and said the 25-30 year old son was the one who worked for him and that through me off. So now I know that he lied to me and introduced her to the kids (he said it was just an innocuous meeting and I should get over it). The kids described her as 50-60 years old, skinny, has tattoos, smokes, is an alcoholic and stupid (these are their words!). So, I don’t think she made the best impression.
So back to the other story, the next day I ask H via email if he told the boys that she was his girlfriend, he said no, you didn’t tell me to do that and if I would talk to him (I was avoiding his phone calls because I was beyond furious) and stop hiding behind emails there wouldn’t be these kinds of misunderstanding. I called him on that one, that he purposely misunderstood, and he said fine, he would tell them that day. The boys then flew up to me and I did my best to not pump them for any information, but through conversation it sure didn’t sound like they knew anything about a girlfriend. Next morning I texted H, did you tell them (the boys were leaving that day for a scout trip where they would be with all these kids who have been talking about H and his girlfriend). H sends some snippy texts and we have a back and forth where he finally texts that Yes, I told them I was seeing her and she is my girlfriend. Tell them what you want. Independently I showed the boys the text. S11 bursts into tears, and said dad didn’t tell me that. I showed S14 and he said dad left out the girlfriend part when he told us. So once again H weasels out of dealing with the hard issues.
The boys saw our C that week and afterwards texted H: We never want to see your girlfriend again. H called me later, very upset, wanted to know the day’s event and what prompted that text. The boys and C talked about the boys do have “rights” in this whole process. H said something along the lines that it will then limit the time he can spend with the kids if they are unwilling to see her. This is after last month he agreed to what the C said of not introducing the boys to her for one year. (Though I now know that was a lie as he had already had them spend an evening together).
As soon as I heard about the Fred incident, I sent H an email asking if it was true that he saw Fred at the PSU game. He sends back, no was he there? Fred is telling the story that H and mistress saw him and ran away and it was really funny. Fred isn’t the most trustworthy source to begin with, so I had struggled with who to believe. H is getting mad at me because I’m not believing him, he even told me, “I asked her, did we run away from anyone, and she said no.” So there, I have the final word! The mistress confirms it! I know Fred saw them and really what Fred is saying about being a hypocrite is true, but then I did find out H told a mutual friend that they did see Fred and just ignored him (so no running), but once again H lied to me. I guess what I’m struggling with, all the lies that are coming out of H’s mouth, everything is so suspect, how do I believe anything?
I’ve been thinking a lot about goals, I’ve been in this hermit phase where not too much other than my job is getting accomplished and we are keeping the fast food businesses flush. The goals are very short term, get me through until the end of the month, but it is a start.
So goals: Exercise 30 minutes every day. Cook dinner 1 night a week to eat as a family Spend 30 minutes each day packing Finalize move details: moving company, schools, CCD Finalize vacation plans: hotel, car, tickets, air
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
OMG -- he just told me he is taking his mistress to his parent's house for the Thanksgiving holiday. Is it just me, or does that seem wrong???? Am I completely out of touch to what is right and wrong these days?
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
IMOP, I do not think you are off base in feeling what you do. You have to remember that man you said i do to is not the man carrying on at this moment. is he an alien? Will he return, only time will tell.
Nice goals. Keep Galing, focus on your kidos. Quite possibley it is time for you to dim, only talk to him ONLY if necessary and about the kids. Let him have the chance to wonder about what you are doing.
Rate now he is getting attention for his choices and with someone who is selfish and immature any attention makes him feel good.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Interested in reading your story as our kids are similar ages. No OW yet, though our H`s sound similar insofar as lying and being out of touch with reality is concerned.
I like Mishka`s way of confronting your(and my) greatest fears.
Sounds like your H really picked up a prize(not!) with OW and that she may very quickly become one of his greatest teachers when it comes to his understanding of all he has left behind.
Let him take her to thanksgiving. After the intro she got with your kids already, I bet she`s dreading it.
In fact let him. Period. He`s got a shovel in his hand and is determined to dig his own grave.
Keep focussed on you.
And yes, I KNOW how hard that it-esp with the fears and sheer mental exhaustion from all the changes.
I came back to DB boards recently too. Because I thought, briefly and mistakenly, i could still find a way to keep us together as a family.
But I realise I still need all of the DB principles for me anyhow.
Interested in reading your story as our kids are similar ages. No OW yet, though our H`s sound similar insofar as lying and being out of touch with reality is concerned.
I like Mishka`s way of confronting your(and my) greatest fears.
Sounds like your H really picked up a prize(not!) with OW and that she may very quickly become one of his greatest teachers when it comes to his understanding of all he has left behind.
Let him take her to thanksgiving. After the intro she got with your kids already, I bet she`s dreading it.
In fact let him. Period. He`s got a shovel in his hand and is determined to dig his own grave.
Keep focussed on you.
And yes, I KNOW how hard that it-esp with the fears and sheer mental exhaustion from all the changes.
I came back to DB boards recently too. Because I thought, briefly and mistakenly, I could still find a way to keep us together as a family.
But I realise I still need all of the DB principles for me anyhow.
Hang on in there, girl.You are a rock for your kids right now. From you, they will learn to be strong, and embrace life.
