Why approach anything with him at the moment? Often when we're tired and worried about ont thing it's harder to keep other concerns at bay. Deal with your mom's sitch and don't worry about dealing with Gabe at the moment, it's not the time! No 2X4's, just hugs
Thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. I agree that thinking about your R right now is too much, easier said than done, though. I read advice recently about what to do when in a type of crisis mode, it is a bit simplified, but that is about all my brain can handle these days: Do what is next. I think that is mostly focusing on just one thing at a time, as simple as shower now, next fix kids breakfast, and just do what needs to be done. You have so much going on right now, I think you need to allow yourself to just be you, and it won't be perfect, no way it could be, the strain you are under is enourmous and you need to be kind to you, too!
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Now is not the time to worry about Gabe. Just focus on you and take it one hour at a time. You can do this.
You can deal with Gabe when other parts of your life aren't stressing you out beyond capacity.
The only 2X4 I have for you is assuming that he will walk if you address this with him. No assumptions. What he does is his choice. And he won't necessarily do what he's done in the past. What you do, and what boundaries you set, are your choices. You have grown, you have chosen to put the time and effort into painful self-introspection and growth. You are capable of handling things in a different way, and he is capable of it (whether he chooses to is up to him).
But that's for another day.
I'm glad your mom is hanging in there. It's so hard to see the ones you love suffer though. (((Mishka)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm not worrying about Gabe, I don't have the energy to. I'm trying to just put this whole trip to CA out of my head and I'll deal with those emotions when that time comes.
For now I'm just holding on to my sanity and taking it hour by hour.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mish - I don't know about the timing, but home or center-based hospice is really a God-send. My mother knew she was terminal for more than 18 months, so I can empathize with all the doctors/hospital trips/etc. I think the idea of letting family know that she is there at the hospital is a good one - could you even put an email out to family saying that she needs meal-time company on M-W-F afternoon (or whatever - and to let you know when they can make it over there...? Sometimes people say they want to help and be supportive, but they honestly have no idea what they can actually DO....if they can't visit, maybe make up a few casseroles for the house so you don't have to cook every night. Something. Put this out to your church group, too - good people know that having the opportunity to help others is a blessing onto them.
Things haven't improved with mom. According to the latest from her doctors, every test has come back negative. There is nothing they can specifically treat her for. Her white cell count is elevated,not as high as it was when she was admitted, but still far higher than normal. They are giving her broad spectrum IV antibiotics for it. Their only other explanation? Failure to thrive. In other words....she has given up.
I don't know how much longer they can keep her in the hospital. I have the number for a local in home hospice care that can most likely treat her. They treated my aunt until she died and they are a wonderful organization. Since she has end-stage renal failure she should qualify.
Donna, my local family consists of two cousins and their spouses and children (all of which are older teens to adults). Out of approximately 15 people, only Gabe and one cousin (my closest one) have gone to see her and even then, only twice. I made a point of telling my cousin yesterday that Marc keeps making comments about living on sandwiches and cereal and it's making him sick. She did offer to make some extra soup a couple of times this week to bring over so we had something better than sandwiches for dinner. That will be nice.
I have told the rest of them that I really could use some help with making sure she eats and just spending some time with her so she isn't alone, even if it's only for 30 minutes. Not one has shown up. Selfish. I really am tired of asking for help and being shot down or ignored. Do you see why I stopped bothering to ask a LONG time ago? My family is very close but not willing to help. What is that? I don't understand it. I bent over backwards to make sure they had help when my aunt was dying and my uncle died suddenly. They can't return that? It just further proves to me that everyone in my RL is really only out for themselves and the rest of the world be danged.
I've put it to my church group too. No takers. Nothing. My mom never was able to go to church here so no one knows her. Heck, hardly anyone at church knows me very well either. I can't spend time volunteering for things and joining groups because I'm taking care of my family. I guess it would be different if I had been able to because I see them jump through all sorts of hoops to help others.
No point in beating a dead horse. Just venting and FAR too tired to censor my feelings at the moment. I'm sitting at work with piles of stuff on my desk to work on but I can't concentrate on any of it. ICK! I'm going to have some pretty ticked off clients if I keep at that. Oh well.....again, I just don't have the energy to care!
Marc did decide last night that he wanted to hand out candy. My neighborhood is tough to gauge. Some years we get hordes of kids and other years we get 5-10. I stopped at the store on my way home from the hospital yesterday and bought 4 large bags of candy. We have 1/4 of one bag left over! That was a lot of kids!!!!!
Other than that, just getting through one day at a time and hoping for a better tomorrow. I figure if I keep that hope, it has to happen some time right? LOL
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mish, sorry to hear about Mom. It's hard when you reach out to others and you get a deaf ear. I think the idea of passing on makes people real squeamish, it reminds us of our own mortality. It's no excuse for not being there, just an explanation of sorts. Have you talked directly with your Pastor about getting some help? Some churches have friendly visitor/outreach groups and if yours doesn't he or she still may be able to kick some butt and get you some support from the church members, regardless of how often you do or don't attend. Hang in there and feel free to vent any time!
I was thinking the same thing about your Pastor. And you go to the bible study group, don't you? Would you feel comfortable standing up and telling them you need help?
He might not be their favorite person, but would Gabe make a quick phone call or email your cousins and tell them that you need a hand, that you feel let down?
I remember this time in my own relationship with my mom - it is a hard thing to go though. Glad to know that you have hospice there.
