So long, and thanks for the fish

[Gypsy]

Hello Ms. Aver..

This is a great place to express the burden, angst, hurt of being left by a life partner. The way they exit leaves a deep open wound that hurts beyond compare. Yet I kept hurting myself by picking at things I could never change, making the wound worse.

Being proactive, stacking the wood, getting the meds needed are all good stuff. Anxiety takes the smallest kernel of truth and magnifies it to the worst thing possible. When thoughts swirl stop what you're doing. Distract your mind, disconnect the whirlpool.

Here's the hardest thing I had to learn.

Whatever the former spouse did and/or does has NOTHING to do with me. Once he decided he was done, I was no longer part of the equation. And that was tough and took a long while to get a handle on. Trying to second guess if your partner really wanted kids, preferred dogs over cats is chum for an anguished mind to feed on. Mine opted to blow off his three kids, commit to her before leaving the marriage, adopt a dog with her, get married and are expecting a baby (he's 56). The only thing I care about is how it affects my kids.

I had to learn to hush people when they started talking about him during and after the divorce. It did nothing for me and in the end would hurt me deeply. Letting go is tough.

I do have a relationship with my (former) mother-in-law which works for both of us.. but we do not discuss her son by mutual unspoken choice. Tapping into your mother-in-law for gossip sounds like it brings its own can of worms. You may want to ask yourself if it's worth it.

The more he takes up space in your head, the less room you have to grow. Be good to you, Aver. Do what makes you feel better, calm, healthy.. what brings a true smile, laughter to your life.

Your life is no longer about him.

It's about you.. unique, wonderful you.

*hugs*

[flowmom]

Oh Aver. The suckitude . I'm so sorry that you are suffering. (((hugs)))

You have a tough challenge to take on dear. Your head is so much in "their business", and you know how toxic that is. I think that's where The Work can help: truly facing reality and embracing it.

I've had a lot of problems with unhealthy obsession since the separation, and the recent mini-breakup triggered it again. I think that obsession is about control, trying to make things safe for ourselves by gaining an illusion of control. Of course, obsession just ends up making us feel less safe and more out of control as we lose touch with our own reality.

I don't remember if you're taking ADs? They really helped me with thought-stopping. I still get on the obsession train, but I can often redirect it or get off it now, whereas before I felt that I absolutely couldn't. That has been such a relief.

Take care dear.

[rockedworld]

The suckitude. Good word Flo.

Aver, I love the advice Gypsy gave you. I hope that you can take that to heart and find yourself moving in that direction. I also look forward to the day we get to hear about you throwing away your crying towel. Maybe you'll even burn it! The day will come when you won't need it.

The recent developments have put you back on the roller coaster. That has happened to me as well. But I find that the down dips are not so sharp and low and I am starting to climb back up sooner and higher.

(((BIG HUGS)))

[Reincarnated]

No Contact is what finally gave me the time and space to heal. Like Gypsy said, anything other than that is picking at wounds so they won't heal.
There is a saying:
Does it hurt when you do that? Then stop doing that.

If your ex has made all of these 180s, then know that he is no longer the person who "fits" with you. He may have been, for a long time. But he isn't now. So better that you have gained that space back to first, to
Find you, get to know the soul that occupies your body, as an whole, perfect individual

Many hugs....we know, without you even having to say a word.

[newmama]

Aver, I just read what happened. I am so sorry you have to deal with knowing this information. I am pretty sure most people would be set back into depression (I will if it happens to me) with this information.

Please keep posting so we can keep an "eye" on you. (((Avermont)))
I think you remember all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself, but it isn't just "hot air." You really need to do those things: sleep, eat, vent, anti d's, therapy so you don't get sick physically or mentally.

[flowmom]

Aver, I just read what happened. I am so sorry you have to deal with knowing this information. I am pretty sure most people would be set back into depression (I will if it happens to me) with this information.

Please keep posting so we can keep an "eye" on you. (((Avermont)))
I think you remember all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself, but it isn't just "hot air." You really need to do those things: sleep, eat, vent, anti d's, therapy so you don't get sick physically or mentally.

Absolutely. thinking of you

[avermont]

Wow, guys, thanks SO much for the outpouring of support.

I am trying not to lean too much on RL friends---to have you all in chime in is just too wonderful.

Gypsy, you are entirely right. It's not that I don't KNOW all that stuff--it's the doing and believing it.

[/quote]Whatever the former spouse did and/or does has NOTHING to do with me. Once he decided he was done, I was no longer part of the equation.[quote]

This ^ is really hard. If I understand any of this, he was pretty well happy with our life before She came along.

Sorta like the first time you saw color TV--ooh, does that age me??! And you can't believe what you have been missing.

So he wasn't "done" until he found a reason to be "done." We didn't have years of distance, silence, rage, coldness, growing-apartness for him OR me to feel like our lives were slipping away in a loveless M.

Flowmom wrote that she is enjoying Guitarist so much, because she had been in a M with "lack of affection, love, sex" and that hurt, too, cause that is what X was feeling.

I know I have to chill on the R with exMIL. Can I, though, have one long crying phone convo with her--ask all the questions, get it over with? Just the one? and then any email contact is just friendly stuff, with only PERTINENT info--like X and She are going to the Phish Concert, or will be on the plane from my city to her city...stuff that I want to know so I can keep clear or at least prep my mind.

I'm re-reading your words, Gypsy. "letting go." Have I not done that? Apparently not!

I did say to myself today: "look, Aver, you are finally grieving. You spent the whole last year in a huge anxiety crazed drunken phase. Now you have to feel the pain for real."

So if I can honor the feeling of grief, and REALLY let go...there's my healing.

Sheesh.

I'm doing all the good stuff--exercise, vits, AD's, talking to friends--keeping on keeping on.

Rocked, I would burn the crying towel, but it's too soggy! I have given to Good Will a dress that I never liked but X always said was really great.

Thanks again, all.

will keep posting.

Be well!

[Iwondertooo]

Aver, I just want to say that I know what you are going through. My x had a baby with the OW before we were even divorced and we were married for 18 years and together for 22 and it took 4 years to be divorced. I do not have to describe to you how difficult it was. What you can do with your MIL is never speak badly of her son. Always take the high road. Do your best. Keep it up. You will get there, but it is not easy and was very hard for me. That's the truth but you will get there. Take care of yourself and you will. Wonder

[avermont]

Thanks, Wonder.

As much as I am sorry to hear other's pain, it does help to hear the stories. Still seems unbelievable to me, but reading here makes it clear it happens every day.

Thanks for the advice on taking the high road. Truth to tell, MIL and I are definitely engaging in teenage catty gossipy-ness--not outright, but both of us are delicately circling saying "what a jerk!!" It's not healthy or mature. And it just feeds my focusing on him.

Each day the pain of the Baby News lightens a little bit. It's crazy how hard this hit me. Who knew I would care so much about a baby?

Worked with my IC today on letting go of the story that this is ALL MY FAULT, I AM THE WORST PARTNER in the world, etc., etc. Then I cried and drived. Soggy towel!

Well, as I posted months ago:

even if it could be scientifically proven that I was the WORST partner in the world, and X was a perfect angel, etc., what good does it do me to keep beating myself up about it?

Learn from it and move on, right?

I just gotta DO that, is all.

On the bright side, my TO (transition object! ;)) and I continue to have a good time.

Now to check in on LFA.

[newmama]

Your transition object? Hey, that should be in the list of things you do to take care of yourself! Let's add it! Good job, Aver.

I don't see the harm in having a crying fest with your MIL. I mean you're relationship is done, sadly, so who really cares if you avoid your inlaws or not? Honestly-- if we truly move on, we don't care with the ex thinks of us. So anything that got back to him (like how you were so upset) is not a big deal, is it? Of course you are upset...to pretend like it didn't hurt you is silly. But you are also moving forward with your life and not calling him or emailing him all broken hearted...I think doing that kind of stuff is not ok and goes against the DB rules.

Sorry to ramble.

I really like this:

even if it could be scientifically proven that I was the WORST partner in the world, and X was a perfect angel, etc., what good does it do me to keep beating myself up about it?

Learn from it and move on, right?

Absolutely- what good does it do to remember all the bad things we contributed to our relationship. It is in the past! Can't undo it!

And even if you were progressing, we all have setbacks from time to time. I think the self help grieving experts say that each time we grieve, it should be getting shorter and we can bounce back sooner from the funk than the previous time.