New thread - starting the protection phase!

[gutwrenching]

H4L - stop the nonsense about pathetic. I can't think of a single person I've read about on these boards that has put up with more and not only survived it but grown from it. We all have good days and bad, the key is to make the bad spells as short as possible. Remind yourself of where you were and where you are now. If you have made through all this, you can overcome ANYTHING. I truly believe that.

[Freckle6]

Tell your lawyer about his threatening with the insurance. She can file to stop him from removing you until the divorce is final. You are also eligible for COBRA through his insurance when you are removed from his policy after divorce. That is a federal law and you can pay for coverage through COBRA for up to 3 years. He's bullying you plain and simple. He can't just drop you without you knowing.

I know the money stuff is terrifying. If you had a full time job, could you afford the house? Do you want to stay there or maybe you'd like to start over in a place that is just yours? With how your H is, if I were you I might want to live somewhere else because he seems like the type to always think that place is his.

Focus on what you can control. Custody and visitation is fluid and can always be changed if the situation warrants it. Your S is old enough to tell you if H mistreats him. Just keep an openness with S so he knows he can come to you if anything is bothering him.

Stop beating yourself up. H is making you abuse yourself when he can't be there to constantly do it. Hugs.

[hope for zen]

Even a barely adequate parent is better for a child's development than no parental contact at all - unless that parent is abusing a child. I have a little bit of experience with child abuse issues, so here is a little advice that I hope helps...

If you have not already done so, look into getting a court appointed advocate for your child. In my area we have an organization called CASA. Accusations of child abuse can get thrown arround a lot in divorce court, os a child advocate's testimony will have more sway over a judge's decision than you will.

Don't be afraid to call child protective services for advice and recomendations. They really do try to keep families together and can help you make a plan to ensure your son's safety. If you can not get ahold of someone there, try calling a foster care shelter. Child protective services are often overwhelmed. You can't afford to get lost in the shuffle.

Document, document, document! Photos, anything in writing, written and signed eye witness accounts, all of this can help you make your case. Remember to stick to concrete facts though.

Remember that in cases where a child is in danger from a parent, the child custody arangement can change, even after a divorce is final.

[Butterfly1]

My psychiatrist recommended calling CPS on my H but I was scared that they would take S6 away from both of us. I do not know if they will help or hurt. Meanwhile, I have been advised to seek child counselling for my S. A six year old is not able to verbalize what is going on very well, we are dealing with acting out, which is difficult to interpret.

I have written journals of everything my H has done in the past year and a half. I have some testimony from my parents but my neighbor, who has witnessed some things, is unwilling to get involved. Besides that, most things happen behind closed doors. The abuse is emotional and verbal mostly with a small amount of physical that happened 10-11 months ago (too long ago for a restraining order).

We have mediation set for one week from tomorrow.Any other advice on that is welcome.

[Butterfly1]

AFter a fabulous 10 days of NC/dark, my H comes over to trick or treat with S and I. Everything feels "normal". I get sucked into feeling like I want him back. Ugh. Things will prob change next week after family court mediation. He's been behaving well probably because this is coming up.

It sucks and reminds me that going dark/ NC is for me. The pain starts to eat away at me again when I"m around him, whether he is acting badly (creating fear/hurt) or well (creating relief/desire).

[gutwrenching]

Then don't forget. You are too strong these days to get sucked back in...this is for you and your son. Whenever you have second thoughts, stop, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself

[rockedworld]

Then don't forget. You are too strong these days to get sucked back in...this is for you and your son. Whenever you have second thoughts, stop, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself

YUP... just what GW said ^^^^^^^

Hope, you have come so far and become so strong. These setbacks will happen and you just have to talk yourself through it and get back on track with your plan.
((((hugs))))

[Butterfly1]

THanks pals, yea, I"m back in reality today. My dad who was trick or treating with us last night told me that H hinted at somethin about "having to follow the rules." Then AI realized: it's all an act. We have family court mediation this week and he's trying to pu on his "Mr. Perfect" routine which he does very well. It's intimidating to say the least. He has fooled a number of MCs and he can possibly fool the court. Luckily i have some bulldog lawyers on my side. And, I'm relieved that H is backing down - if only for now.

[Butterfly1]

Ouch! Yuck! Suddenly H wants to 'talk/negotiate'. Help! I guess he's getting scared about mediation this friday. I got sucked in! I had to hear how I was the one unwilling to negotiate, how he had "no choice" but to file a custody motion against me and yes, how "I left him" (huh?). I found myself wanting to show him that I am willing to negotiate. I found myself wanting to hope again that "this time" he will listen to me, work something out without the courts. This is what happens when I'm driven by fear - of losing in court, of having a permanently conflicted relationship with my S's father, etc. Yes, I did not stick to my guns.

Why do I have a hard time moving on? Why do I continually give him one more chance to be rational and respectful? Why do I even give the time of day to the man who left our M and is destroying our family? Maybe I though he was scared enough to be reasonable and listen to me for once.

THe problem is I start trying to see things from his perspective and I totally lose sight of what I want, what I think is right, what my feelings are. I start wondering what I have done wrong and try to fix it. I'm such a codependant I make myself sick!

If I were strong I'd tell him to take a flying leap and deal with my lawyers. I just get so confused when I feel lied to and manipulated and shut down and closed out and then....H accuses ME of all these same things!!! I start wondering if it's true. Ugh it's so much easier to be NC.

This is hell!!

[gutwrenching]

H4L
Enough. Come on. Read what you wrote.

Why do I even give the time of day to the man who left our M and is destroying our family?

I totally lose sight of what I want, what I think is right, what my feelings are.

I'm such a codependant I make myself sick

He is playing you, you know that. There is no crisis in his life. He has been abusive, disrespectful, mean, cruel, substance abuse and he has continually tried to kill your self esteem. He shows no remorse ever, and is only nice to you when it works to his advantage. You have a lawyer, use the lawyer. Go back to NC/Dark. Don't ever be around or talk to him without your Dad there.

Do what works. That is what works for you. You are strong.
Don't even give him the respect to tell him to take a flying leap; he doesn't deserve it right now. NC.

You have given him more chances than one can count. You can look yourself in the mirror and know you gave it every last effort. But look at what he does to your son...you said your son is starting to show signs of what this has done to him. What do you think it'll do to him to get confused even more to see mom/dad nice for a few days (which is all it will be) and then back to the verbal abuse and nastiness.

Ugh it's so much easier to be NC.

So do it. Stop thinking about it and do it. NC. NC. NC. NC. This is FOR YOU. It isn't a tactic, H4L, I'm so sorry but you are not in place to use tactics, this is self preservation time. Remember the title of this thread...the PROTECTION PHASE. So protect!

If you have to have contact for your son, you dad should be there with you. If it deals with legal things, your lawyer talks to him. You don't even respond to say talk to my lawyer.