She's frustrated. She feels that I want and am pressuring her to feel one way regardless of her needs. She needs time, space and the freedom to understand what she wants.
She's torn because she feels one way, and thinks she should feel differently.
She thinks that time will help her make her choices easier.
Do you have EXPECTATIONS about this?
How much time do you "expect" it to take?
I am sure it will take longer than what you seem to think.
I started to type this:
Quote:
I don't know how long it will take. All I know is that it won't start until she doesn't feel the pressure from me. Removing the pressure may not start the process, or speed it up.
Then realized that I actually think that crisis and pressure encourage people to come to decisions, as opposed to wallowing in limbo. The story of the LBS is a testament to this.
As long as she doesn't have to make a decision, to clarify her thoughts, to reconcile the conflict between her feelings and her thinking, she won't.
I will move out. Do the activities that reward me, spend time with my daughters. Give her all the space she wants, only interact with her as needed to handle the logistics of co-parenting. Learn more about myself, maybe date casually or do social stuff to overcome some of my innate shyness and insecurity.
If she takes the opportunity to learn about herself, great. If not, over time we'll slowly lose the connection we've shared between us.
"I will move out. Do the activities that reward me, spend time with my daughters. Give her all the space she wants, only interact with her as needed to handle the logistics of co-parenting. Learn more about myself, maybe date casually or do social stuff to overcome some of my innate shyness and insecurity. "
Ya got you. I think the space she wants is emotional not physical. Some benefit to moving out in this respect but you'll loose out on opportunities to validate, connect, lead and all those "manly" virtues demanded of you and she may start an affair given she has it easy. Hard to change and GAL in the same house. Either way it's a slippery slope. When you're on one of these CYA.
I called her up to talk about her email. Probably validated the best I have. She really was happier at the end of the 30 minute call.
She said I had been doing a really good job of listening in the last three months, but about a month ago I turned into the old Pinhead, hearing what I wanted to hear. I need to go back and see where I was, what I was thinking, what I was doing.
It was a really good talk. Cleared up a lot of her stress and mine, we talked about how we could use boundaries to feel safe with the separation, just a lot of good communication.
It was a phone call, so I couldn't see her expressions, but she thanked me for calling, for listening. She did a good job of validating me as well.
Ya got you. I think the space she wants is emotional not physical. Some benefit to moving out in this respect but you'll loose out on opportunities to validate, connect, lead and all those "manly" virtues demanded of you and she may start an affair given she has it easy. Hard to change and GAL in the same house. Either way it's a slippery slope. When you're on one of these CYA.
Oh, I know it's emotional space she needs and wants.
I'll be seeing her every morning when I come over to get my girls ready for school. I'll also see her when she drops them off at my apartment on Mon/Tues. And I'll see her when I pick up the girls after church on Sundays. Plus she (or I depending on who has the girls) will be calling to say goodnight to our daughters each night. So lots of opportunities to connect.
I've also thought a lot about spending "family" time together for our movie night and Monopoly night, as well as Thanksgiving and Xmas. Those are pretty good opportunities to connect. I won't invite myself, and I won't be coming over every week for them, but I won't turn down any and all invites.
I can't stay in the house as a strategy to prevent her from having an affair. That never works.
She wrote me this email today in reply to some R talk that sprang up last night when we were talking about the separation:
"Do you have any idea what it is like to feel like you are absolutely everything to someone? It's suffocating. I've tried (many times) to express to you how hard it is for me to discern how I really feel from how I (and you) think I should feel. I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like you just wanted to keep plowing ahead through a snowbank that is completely frozen and all you're doing is packing the snow harder. Sometimes you have to give it time to thaw before you can start again."
WOW. Did she really write this?
PH,
You are running away when she's point blank telling you what she wants and needs.
You almost sound like you are trying to punish her for not being where you want her to be RIGHT NOW. I see you not getting your way, so you are giving up.
Why do you spend so much time on these boards? Just for $h!ts and giggles? Or to save yourself and your marriage?
I do not see you getting YOUR desired results/expectations met by physically moving out.
And like fb2 said.....You can change your mind.
Anytime you change your mind because of your self respect and your values you do it from a place of strength. That is a good thing and it's going to be hard for her to not respect that decision.
PH, don't move out. And you mentioned dating? In your sitch, you might as well just light your marriage certificate on fire and file divorce. Based on that email from her, you are obviously doing something that is working...why would you sabotage all your hard work now?
