WAW is ok with divorce

[BrokenInside]

My story:
My wife a and I have been married for 11 years and together for 13. We have 2 children. The boy is 4 and the girl is 2. I thought that our marriage was strong because we have gone through a lot and survived with no counseling or extended family support. The memories of how this started are blury but basically this spring we had lots of arguments, did not spend time together because I was taking a class, and did not plan any vacations. Sometime at the end of July we had a big argument. According to W (my memory is sketchy and very different) she was so afraid of me after that, that she packed the van with the kids the next day and left for her parents. She spent a little over a week there. When she returned she would not let me kiss her or touch her and was colder towards me than ever before. After a couple of days of this I finally confronted her about it and she told me that I should consider us separated. She was already sleeping on the sofa bed we have in the living room. Her story may be different now, but at the time she originally said she was sleeping there because the air bed was good for her back. We have the computer in the living room as well. So now she was spending a lot of time on facebook and away "running errands". She joined a running group at the Y earlier in the year and they became part of her "support" group. She also started drinking again, buying new clothes and texting her friends on the phone. She avoided me like the plague and would not explain to me what she meant by "separated". We had no phisical contact and she was using the kids bathroom now. I proposed going to counseling and she said she was not interested in marriage counseling but that she was going to counseling for herself and that I should do the same. Then she said she needed to go away for a weekend to take a break from the kids. She went away for 3 days on Labor day weekend and I stayed at home with the kids. She texted me a couple of times to ask me about the kids and to tell me that she was walking or going to bed etc. When she came back, she was certainly refreshed and we had a conversation that night. She then said that she wanted a divorce eventually after she got back on her feet(ie find a job, get her credentials to teach) but in the mean time she wants to enjoy life, be happy, be free, go out with her friends and date other men.
I listened to it all, cried all night. Went to work the next morning and spent the whole day writing her an email about how I could not tolerate her dating other men and living under the same roof. I told her that I was changing the person that I was so that I could be more emphatetic and caring. She answered by asking me why I had spent a whole day writing that email to her and that I was risking losing my job and putting our family at risk. She asked me not to do that again. After that we had some conversations where I practiced listening to her and trying to understand why she was doing what she was doing. She would not be explicit in anything other than I had a serious problem and I needed to deal with it or I would lose the love of my children like I had lost hers. So I scheduled a visit for Oct 6. The weekend before my appointment I again stayed home with the kids and she went to a fund raiser at a friends house and stayed there overnight. That saturday night I was so upset and hurt that I did something I had told myself that would never do, I hacked into her e-mail account. That is when I found out that she had at least an EA with an old friend from High School that was well on his way into his own divorce.
She had deleted all these emails but I found them anyway. So she comes back and I don't know how to confront her. After a couple of days I get tired of all the lies I keep hearing from her and I tell her that I know what is going on. She tells me that she is in love and that it just happened and that her intentions were never to hurt me. Then I find out that she spent labor day weekend with the OM and that she actually invited him to fly here to meet her. We live in California and he lives in Missouri. I did not follow through with my threat to leave because she said she needed help with the kids. I said I would ask my counselor before I made a decision. After I came back we had an argument about why she had done that and she tells me that I broke my vows first and that I left the marriage a long time ago and that she had warned me that she was going to do something like this. Last Sunday, she left for Idaho with the kids to go see her family there. She has been there ever since and she has been sending text and calling at least once a day each. She is coming back on Nov 3, but this is not a change of plans and she is not clear about what kind of relationship she is keeping with OM. She just told me before she left that she was planning on keeping him as part of her support group.
My therapist thinks that she has ACOA syndrome and her therapist thinks I have some "personality" disorder that she won't disclose. My guess is "narcissistic" because I know how she describes me now to other people.
Anyway, enough rambling. I know that I have left out important details but I guess I can fill in questions. I am calling a coach tomorrow and I need to come up with goals. Right now I am quite numb because I am taking Zoloft for "severe" depression.

[idontunderstand]

Hi, Broken -

First, I'm sorry to see you here. You are in the right place for support, understanding and ideas for getting your life back on track.

Second, if you have been coming here for a while before you posted your sitch, then you know what the common census is: LET HER GO.

It's common for the WAW to rewrite history and blame everything on you. Don't fall for it. We all have a part in our M getting to this point. She is the one who is having an affair, not you.

She has told you she wants out and that she wants OM to be a part of her life. The simple answer is to let her have what she wants. Tell her she needs to find her own place and that you won't be part of an open M.

Some of the vets will chime in soon. In the mean time, post often and ask questions. Most importantly, read as much as you can and notice what works in these sitches. It is hard work. You can and must do it for your own well being first and foremost.

[NotFromThesePart]

I agree.

She then said that she wanted a divorce eventually after she got back on her feet(ie find a job, get her credentials to teach) but in the mean time she wants to enjoy life, be happy, be free, go out with her friends and date other men.

I got the exact same thing from my W a couple days ago. Considder yourself lucky your W is still in the house. My recommendation is to say:

I understand and I agree. But I don't think it is healthy for us or the kids that you stay here when you want out of the marriage. I suggest you find an apartment this week, and I will begin to consult lawyers.

[WalkingMan]

Broken,

Sorry to see you here. There's a lot of great advice and experience here and it can go a long way in helping you through this. Much of what you will hear seems counter-intuitive, but trust me your experience is not unique and most of us have been through this.

It looks like to me that you need to take quick and immediate action. Stop groveling, crying and contacting her unecessarily. Go buy the Divorce Remedy book and read it...much of what you will hear on this forum will make better sense.

I would post questions and experiences on here and generally you'll get some good advice.

[WalkingMan]

I suggest you find an apartment this week, and I will begin to consult lawyers.

I would say NEVER leave. Odds are better if she's in the house, like you said. She's leaving you, so she should leave the home. It can also have implications later if this does goto divorce, especially if there are kids. Do not leave the home.

[Atossup]

yes broken, do not grovel and do not try to prevent her from doing what she wants. Let go of OM (hard to do for me too) your W was in a marriage and has broken her vows. Do what you can to take care of you and your kids. Do not listen to her BS right now. The best thing to say to yourself is "whatever".

[Ready2Change]

Hi Broken,

Read as much as you can here. Read DR as ASAP, and do not let W see/read it. It is your play book.

You have many choices on how to handle this. I strongly recommend that you calmly give here a GUCCI or ALLEN A speech in person. Look up those users and see what they recommend over and over.

There are many reasons that I recommend this. I have read 50+ personal growth books since the bomb and countless posts on these boards. The things that work are counter-intuitive.

Here is a pattern to use to speak to W:

Make an Observation, your thoughts on the observation, your feelings on the observation, what you need.

You can spin this many ways, here is a simple one:

"Wife, This marriage is no longer working for me. I think it is best if you find a place to live as soon as possible. Two weeks should be plenty of time to find a new place. I will even help you pack."

I am sure I have posted better ways to state the same thing here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1407102#Post1407102

The important part is to project to her that you do not want to be involved with her. She cheated on you and you do not tolerate that kind of disrespect. She is no longer welcome in your house.

Project that you are happy that you are free of her. She will get angry... Use the pattern above:

Calmly say "You look angry. I will not tolerate being yelled at. " Walk away.....

Read as much as you can until you understand why I recommend that you respond this way.....

Always respond, never react......

"I am thinking"
"I have not decided"
"I understand you feel that way"
.
.
.


I wish you well.

[Ready2Change]

RobX also has great ways to state things:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2093321#Post2093321

[BrokenInside]

I did say something along those lines when I came back from the therapist. She said that what was not healthy for the kids was all the fights we were having before. That if I left she would have to find someone else to look after the kids when she is investing time on herself. Also now she is really worried about our finances (OM is bankrupt)so renting a place cost extra money that we will need for the big D. and to support the kids.
So far the kids seem to be oblivious to this, If I move out, at least my son will start to figure out what is going on..

[BrokenInside]

I got DR last Saturday. I read all 300 plus pages in 14 hours.
My main problem is that she has the wall up now. She does not want to talk about our relationship or where things are going.
We talk fairly often but is either about the kids or small talk with lots of awkward silence periods. If I ask her what she is feeling, she won't say much but the little she says is very painful to hear.