I think maybe I should share this with you as it was shared with me:
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Proof? You want proof?
Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage. ....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
You been at this 4 months. Is that long enough?
I don't know. And no one here knows Pin. You have 13 years with this woman.
It is up to you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
Yep agree with her. "This marriage isn't working for me either. Us in the same house isn't working for me. I don't feel it either. I have been wrong trying to get you to love me, that was selfish of me. I want you to be happy, I want myself to be happy and I want the girls to see and feel love in their home. That's why I have decided_____________________. "
You wife needs to feel you walking away not a fallback and comfortable position. if you can't do it in the same house then make sure you have everything checked off legally, financially, with he girls and you are squared away emotionally. Seperation isn't the end.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have not read your entire thread BUT what I see is confusion on your part.
Have you really sat down and thought about YOUR ACTIONS. I mean really?
Is your pride maybe driving your thought process?
I can relate to just how shi*ty it is living with a W, who does not want to work on a M.
Here is the thing....does she feel like you "hear" her?
Let me ask you another question.
If the roles were reversed...how would you feel if in your confusion (and hey maybe she is not confused) your W of X number of years said f it - I'm otta here.
I am not telling you to be a doormat, not telling you to stay or go - nope - that is your call BUT what I will tell you is this...
There is a difference between PRIDE and SELF RESPECT.
Make sure that whatever you do...that PRIDE is not driving the choice.
Good luck and God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"You wife needs to feel you walking away not a fallback and comfortable position. if you can't do it in the same house then make sure you have everything checked off legally, financially, with he girls and you are squared away emotionally. Seperation isn't the end."
Yep! Except you can't make her feel what you want her to.
It still seems to me you are moving out because you are hoping it might save your M even tho' you say its for you. Fact is you should not take at face value ANYTHING she says. What she is saying or not saying seems to be standard WAW or pre-WAW behavior. For example if she doesn't want a D why wouldn't she want to make the M better by trying MWD, Retro or whatever? She seems to have a nice cake eating fallback position that you have provided but you don't have a fallback. If your ploy backfires you'll be in dire straits financially and emotionally.
I suggest you study other cases where this sort of thing was done. Actually very few had the desired result. Separation does not mean the end of the road but it could easily accelerate your trip to the end of the road. And there's no real correlation between separation and giving her "space". I don't mean to hit you with a 2x4 instead I mean for you to cover your rear end before you take this step.
I'm no fan of 2nd marriages when there are minor kids and the other parent is still active in the kid's life. But apparently this is common practice; however, not in my book; seems very wrong to me whether its done by the WAS or the LBS.
