Three years, maybe more into H`s MLC. Affair, anger, moods,in house separation for two years.
I let him go last Jan. But he did a u turn at the last minute and decided to stay.
I`ve filed Feb for legal separation.H then started doing a lot of work-therapy, involved with the kids, housework. But I had turned away by then. Had got over the grief of him leaving the marriage.
I started DB April 09 and all the GAL stuff that went with it. I continued to GAL, though not with H in mind-just for me and, up until very recently, was ready for him to go.
Now, I just don`t know. Don`t know if I can trust him. Don`t know if he really wants me. Don`t know whether I should continue with legal separation or not.
No questions, for now. Just updating. Enjoying the peace that`s come into our home, enjoying family time, enjoying the changes in me that this crisis has brought about.
Now, I just don`t know. Don`t know if I can trust him. Don`t know if he really wants me. Don`t know whether I should continue with legal separation or not.
Sounds like it is time for one of those R talks, you know since the answers aren't going to frighten you and you're not doing it for the wrong reasons.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/19/1004:02 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Now, I just don`t know. Don`t know if I can trust him. Don`t know if he really wants me. Don`t know whether I should continue with legal separation or not.
Hey woman...
Brief here, more in an email...
I have told you before that trust doesn't come easy. Even with someone new. You know what I have been through so you know I do really mean this.
Don't let your fear of it maybe not working, your trust maybe being misplaced keep you from taking the chance if it is something you want.
I think a part of you does want it. Or you wouldn't be questioning yourself.
No one says it will be easy. Crap, the rebuilding, is harder than the breakdown. You actually have to learn to undo some of the things that you learned to save yourself from the MLC.
But you will have to do that with ANY person.
We learn so much coming here. How to detatch, GAL, validate, and how to make ourselves stronger and not let things affect us, because that is how we survive the MLC spew.
Those things, while great for surviving MLC, are not always so great in an R.
I am so glad you are back my friend.
I have missed you bunches.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow! One lit ol update and I get prompt responses from four great DB vets! Thank you!
Ha! Was really trying to stay in the peace zone, Jeff and JTB but then H brings up R talk last night!
Long convo-brief synopsis: H doesn`t like limboland anymore(he`s in guestroom) and doesn`t like legal separation looming so he wants us to work together on the marriage.
I told him I just wasn`t sure about what to do. Honestly I`m undecided as I had got over the grief of our marriage ending and had let him go. He`s disappointed.
And now I don`t know if his reasons are enough to reestablish a marriage. He has been very angry, abusive in the past and I risk that happening again if I go back into M with him.Nothing about his wanting me or caring for me.
He wants me to make up my mind `soon` but he`s not putting an actual deadline on it.
I figure I waited long enough for him to work through his stuff. I don`t want to be rushed. Legal ppl will wait.I`m just not sure of H`s motives for wanting back in.
Last year I`d have rushed up and hugged him. This year I`m cagier.
Hey Mach! Good to hear from you!Lousy PC at home, little time at work but I will catch up with you just as soon as I can!Hope you`re doing well!
Love ya, Cat!You`re so right-undoing some of the stuff I`ve learnt in MLC is probably what`s needed right now;I`ve got too independent AND too happy on my own!
Don't let your fear of it maybe not working, your trust maybe being misplaced keep you from taking the chance if it is something you want.
or maybe he just needs to work a little harder to earn her trust? What's the hurry at this point?
Time,
No one, especially me, said that she should rush anything.
If he wants this as he says he does, he will continue to do what is necessary. And her H, has made many strides towards his own growth in this last year. Much more than he was doing.
A beginning. Isn't that what we all come here hoping for?
She should also make sure that fear is not ruling her decision of whether or no to do this, if it is what she wants.
Originally Posted By: Fallgirl
Long convo-brief synopsis: H doesn`t like limboland anymore(he`s in guestroom) and doesn`t like legal separation looming so he wants us to work together on the marriage.
Ok so now you know what he wants.
At this point, does the why matter?
It is a lot to expect some sort of declaration of love at this point. While it would be wonderful to get that…
Do you need that to initially begin attempting to rebuild this M?
There are no guarantees, even when you get to this point.
Originally Posted By: Fallgirl
And now I don`t know if his reasons are enough to reestablish a marriage. He has been very angry, abusive in the past and I risk that happening again if I go back into M with him.Nothing about his wanting me or caring for me.
Are you strong enough to not allow yourself to be put in that position again?
Are you able to recognize the signs and patterns and be able to stop it if it looks like that is where it is going?
FG, this is where boundaries begin…
You don’t just jump back into the deep end…
If you want to do this, try this, what do you need to see, to experience to make it happen?
Feelings, as we all know, grow and change with time.
Him wanting you and caring for you, will come with more time. I think he has taken a huge step here already.
Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Yes, I`m strong enough now and know the signs and patterns. And know my jumping into the fear place too fast and not loving myself anyhow, were part of what allowed H to be abusive.
So yeah, different position on that one now.
And yes, he has made great strides in the past few months.
I felt like hugging him yesterday so I asked if he minded if I did. I have no idea if that was proper DB protocol but honestly, I`m digging into my heart and my feelings more for answers nowadays and it seemed just right to me. H was glad and surprised at the same time.And thankful too.
I can`t remember when the last hug was. Over a year ago anyhow.
And God only knows where we`re headed but something is healing.
Hmmm, yes, but I do want to avoid the deep end, Cat.I think a lot of H`s efforts come from his fear of going to court. If I back out of legal separation I may well get old H back. So yeah,I`m still wary.
Have that R talk and hug the other day has heal some parts of us.H makes eye contact with me more and with softer eyes. And the co operation on the kid issue is huge.
So, I was a little disappointed when he announced last night that he was going out and would be staying over. I don`t know where or with whom. I have no idea if there is another woman on the scene.
Didn`t show my disappointment of course. Just got all dressed up and headed out before he did. Smiling and in good form.
He`s away for the next couple of days with our younger son, and daughter. I`ll be here for elder son though he won`t need much minding so I`m indulging myself in all my favourite therapies;sleep,meditation, painting, running,reading.
Currently re reading Co Dependant No More. It was written for me, I think.
I can see the possibility of a new Marriage looming on the horizon. I don`t have any control over whether that ship will swing my way or not. All I can do is keep my changes,meditate, pray and accept whatever happens. ` Read about Jon Kabitzin(?)`s lovingkindness meditation today. Its about feeling love for yourself in meditation, then sending that love to your loved ones, and those who are more difficult to love. Worth a try.
