if me staying around is a part of the reason she's in the fog, then moving out will remove some of it.
Pin this is the part I disagree with. Her being in a fog has NOTHING to do with you.
It is not your fault, its all on her. You moving out will be giving her space. But it will not snap her out of her fog.
You are making it easy on her, she has to look within. Your changes have nothing to do with her coming out of her fog either.
You make the changes for YOU!!! Not to win her back. When she comes out of the fog she will have to deal with the new you, but until she does, there is NOTHING you can do.
Only give her space. Go on living your life as if she is not coming back.
I think you have an EXPECTATION that by moving out you will save your marriage. What you are doing is very risky. I again would not suggest it. It goes against everything that I have learned here. I am not saying that it won't work but I have seen it backfire.
You really should be able to detach and let go with out YOU being the one to leave.
If she leaves you can not control that. But you can control YOU!
Hi Lance,
I've made the changes for me. I'm happy with them, the motivation behind them, and how they've affected my view of life. Yes I wished that she had said "Wow, you're a fantastic guy, where have you been hiding?" That would be icing on the cake for my changes. But the changes are great for me no matter what she does.
My moving out is giving her the space she wants. And I'll be living my life like she's not coming back. I'll have faith that I'll be okay, but I won't be pining away in my apt for her. I'll be praying that she finds some peace and happiness.
Either my presence is contributing to her staying in the fog, or it's causing it. She's said that she "can't see the forest for the trees," that she can't separate her feelings for me as a father to our daughters, from her feelings for me because everytime she turns around, I'm there.
Pin? Pin Cushion? Don't take these arrows.
If you can't stand up to her you can't stand up for her my friend.
She wants you to stay right?
Then what is all this crap about she can't see you as a husband and not a father????
Your reasons to leave are for HER?
About HER?
HER choices?
If you leave you confirm all the wrong ideas she has about you.
Unless you believe you are those things.
All the wrong ideas she has about M.
Unless you believe them too.
All the wrong ideas she has about herself.
Unless you believe it too.
All the wrong ideas about what love means.
Unless you are not capable of it either.
Somewhere along the way you got lost.
She got lost.
One of you has to light the way.
Your the one that's here so I am going to go out on a limb and say that you have this in you Pin.
Which takes more courage in your choices. To accept what is dished out
or
forge your own way because of what you believe. What you believe in yourself.
Whether you gain from it or not.
Whether it turns your way or not.
Whether she wants to reconcile or divorce.
We get what we give Pin.
Why did you leave your first M?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
She doesn't want me to stay anymore. When we talked last night and she said that staying together is making things worse. Quite a shift from "I'll do anything for my babies" two weeks ago. She's tired of the ups and downs, the tension, me not knowing what I want for two weeks. She wants space.
About the only thing I could now do is tell her that if she wants space, SHE should be the one moving into the apartment.
I left my first marriage because I felt no passion or desire for my wife. Karma is a bitch.
I get where you guys are coming from, Lance and Grit. Does there not ever come a time when the LBS is allowed to say, without guilt, I'm done!!?
We are all here to try to save our M. Some cannot be saved even if we do everything we are supposed to. It just won't matter.
From following Pin's thread, it seems to me that his W does not want any type of "real" relationship with him. Yes, she said she's willing to stay for the kids and have sex, etc. and maybe that could lead into a true change of heart for her somewhere down the line. I could see him staying if she said she "just wasn't sure how I feel. I do want to feel that way for you again." She only wants the convenience of a family and not be blamed for her part in tearing it apart. She is offering this olive branch to alleviate her own guilt.
If Pin has reached his breaking point after not getting any sign from his W that she wants to try, I say he can walk away from her poison and not feel bad about himself for doing the best he could. She had told him what she wants and he is simply giving it to her. What is the harm in that? When is enough enough?
If you leave you confirm all the wrong ideas she has about you.
This is KEY.
Great post Grit!
Mind reading.
Plus I thought it has nothing to do with her.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Of course I want my marriage. She doesn't want a divorce. I asked her point blank last night. She can't take this situation any longer, and neither can I. It's not healthy for either of us. She doesn't want to work on the M because she doesn't know how. Says she wants to feel it for me, but doesn't know how. Me staying isn't working to improve how she feels.
I'm not being a victim here. I'm leaving because I don't want to be here while she's so screwed up.
My mistake in my first marriage was getting married in the first place. I didn't lose the passion or desire, so much as confused lust and caretaking for love.
