Hope, I am so proud of you...you are taking wonderful steps for yourself and your son.
I really recommend that you read this book http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012 You are going through such a tough situation, especially with respect to helping your S. I think the book will give you food for thought in terms of aligning yourself with what's best for him. It's hard because increasingly you are going to have to split your thoughts and relationship with your WH. You have a relationship with him as your WH, but he is also the father of your child. The book can help you understand your S's POV, and what steps you can take to create a new future for your S.
It must be really hard to hear the limitations of how the law will support you in this situation. My hope for you is that you'll be able to concentrate on what you can control, and let go of what you can't control (and even work on accepting/embracing reality). That is the road towards sanity, the road that you're courageously walking down every day.
I admire you very much. I know that you are dealing with a very harsh reality and it's great that you are gathering allies around you as you are doing this.
I still feel sad about what divorce means for my children and for me as a mother. But I don't feel sad for me as a woman. I am so much better off now. GAL isn't *getting* a life any more...I have a life and it's getting better every day. It is 100% amazing to experience being with men who appreciate and enjoy me when I'm used to rejection and contempt...for years. And I am dealing with life stuff too, like being a grownup and figuring out how to be financially independent. I know how scary it is...there's a lot of anxiety for me there.
YOU CAN DO THIS HOPE!!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thank FM - how wonderful to hear from you again! Your support always means so much to me.
all these things are normal parts of D. I'm no longer interested in H unless he can admit his drug use and his abusive nature.
But that is what scares me. He knows how to manipulate the system to look squeaky clean and I know he is dangerous for my child. I don't know how to protect him any more.
The truth is that we can't protect our children from everything. Some of mothers have to let go a little bit, other mothers are raising their children in a horribly unsafe world. You're living somewhere between the two extremes.
My guess is that if your WH is determined to get 50% custody, he will. Your state is similar to where I live, where fathers who have far more serious documented abuses than your WH still get 50% custody. The cost of fighting a battle that you're going to lose includes money, life energy, the price your S6 would pay, and goodwill from your WH who will be coparenting with you. Sorry I can't offer you more encouragement about this...I wish I could. That's just my understanding of how things work legally in jurisdictions where the 50/50 model is firmly entrenched.
(((hugs))) You're in a really hard place but you can hold your head high knowing that you're doing the best that you can.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
well he's getting served next week with my declaration that he have anger management, parenting classes and no overnights until they are completed. He is going to have to prove the court that he's a fit parent and that he's clean from drugs if I get my way. It's worth the fight for me. He's taken everything away from me (i'll probably lose my house) he's not taking my son without a fight.
ps I have no goodwill from my H. He is determined to humiliate me and beat me down every chance he gets. I'm tired of playing nice and getting abused as a result.
H4L I'd say your biggest problem atm is that H uses "I own half the house" as ammunition to do as he pleases!
My answer to that would be "you left the house, and even though you own half of it, you do not own me and do not have the right to terrorise or manipulate me"
I'd certainly back it up with "if at any time I feel scared or threatened I will call the police and believe me I will press charges"
Keep your sentence short and look him straight in the eye, no head cowering as he will then get worse. Dont step backwards when he comes towards you, he is trying to intimidate you, if you need to walk away, walk forwards towards him and past him.
Hope those help if you have any specifics let me know and I'll see if I can come up with some thing..
Hugs
x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I think you need to focus on your priorities right now Hun. Your well being and the well being of your son are what matter. If you lose the house, you lose the house. It is not the end of the world and you will find a way to be ok. I know it must be so hard to know that you can't fully protect your son the way you want to as a mother. Focus on strengthening your R with your son so that it is rock solid. Have really strong attachment and communication with him, so that he will tell you if anything happens that shouldn't. Then document it. Create a safe and loving environemnt with you and he will have one safe place in this world as a model for how things should be.
You are still doing such a fabulous job getting through this.You are going to be just fine!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
THanks ladies - my old gang is back just when I really need you - how can I thank you for all your love and concern and great advice?
LR - I love what you wrote. DO you know how messed up I am? It never even occured to me that I could stand up to him like that. I am so used to him smirking, laughing at me, ignorning me that I've stopped even feeling like I could tell him he's terrorizing me. Just knowing how I wont be taken seriously stops me but why not? It's true.
But get this - yesterday when I told him I'd talk to my lawyer about him when he said he was keeping his stuff here...he threatened to take me off the health insurance. So yea, he's using that to manipulate me.
RHW - after a sleepless night last night over losing my house, I am feeling better. I guess I could refinance and I still have two years of alimony so I'm thinking of going back to school for some job skills (I have none!).
Really I"m just back in a depression and it affects me by having a negative outlook like I can't see a way out so there is no way out. I have to work on getting H out of my head - all the hurtful, insulting things - first I'm just in shock as I come out of denial at how horrible and vicious the man I love has been, and secondly I have to find a way to have self esteem after being so beaten down so long and believing him. This is the best I can do for my son as well is start feeling better about me. Right now I feel like the most pathetic, rejected loser on the planet so I have to work on that. He will feel safest if I am secure in myself. And when dad barges in with his horribleness I have to bounce back sooner and be there for S.
