LBS Living...

[irishblessings]

I am speechless - so overwhelmed and overcome with gratefulness for the guidance provided here.

25...your words are EXACTLY what I need to hear. I know that I've heard them from Brooklyn, Cat, Eric, True, Punkin, all - but something about your message resonated strongly with me. And Eric - who is the one? It is me. I've been incredibly blessed for the 28 years I was with this man. And I've been given a life with these kids that I could never have dreamed of in my youth. And Brooklyn I have begun to recognize the small gifts of time and freedom and quiet and rest that have resulted from this devastation.

We have had an inground pool that has been "dead" for 2 years. It has been an ugly, disgusting, eyesore - a "cesspool" if you will. This week, I had it excavated. I now have a huge backyard leveled with rich soil. I have the opportunity to create something new from the ground up. The cesspool that I found myself in nine months ago is no longer in my line of sight on a daily basis. Just as I am able to dream about what my yard will look like - I am close to being able to develop a dream for myself. The cesspools in my life have not only been drained - but they are being replaced with something clean and pure. Couldn't help but make the comparisons.

I joined the gym this week - took pilates class - laughed with my kids - cooked - read - worked. And I loved it!

Thank you ALL for being so amazingly patient and supportive. The kindness of strangers....leaves me humbled and incredibly grateful.

[25yearsmlc]

good for you!
j-

[irishblessings]

Interesting observation from young friend...
I picked her up from the airport and we were talking about the things I had done around the house. New appliances (replacing 17 year old ones) - some landscaping - pool excavation. She says you have done more things in a month than you have all these years with H. H was not a "finisher" - LOTS of incomplete projects. She continued by saying "I never understood why it didn't bother you."
I thought about this and realized that all this time I thought I was being "low maintenance" - didn't care about materialistic things really - just focused on giving kids lots of experiences and making lots of memories - which we did. Amazing ones!
I let H make me feel as if we didn't deserve to have the nice things because of "overindulging" the kids. And I went happily along with it because as long as I had him - I didn't need anything else.
So friend asks me how it feels to have done these things - she said "you should have seen your middle D's face when she saw the refrigerator!"
I really can't answer yet how it makes me feel. In some ways scared, not sure why. In some ways secure. In some ways proud. In some ways sad.
Have I blindly allowed H to send a message to the world that our marriage and I weren't of value? Was I closing my eyes and holding on for dear life trying to keep him?
The things I am learning....another blessing!

[punkin]

Another victory! You are learning the value of YOU. Guess what? I can carry the garbage to the curb myself kind of stuff.

And who cares what message H 'sent out' to the world. That's his problem. People are not blind. They see, and your young friend proved it!

And if other people see it, don't think for a minute that H won't either. He may be so blinded by his own light at the moment, but eventually, he will. Also, don't be surprised if he tries to rain on your parade for the sake of his own ego.

Irish. Take your pick: I am Woman, hear me Roar; or I Will Survive. ( Apparently these are mowing the yard songs )

[ericmsant2]

Irish

I've been incredibly blessed for the 28 years I was with this man

AND HE has been increadibly blessed to have YOU for 28 years!

that have resulted from this devastation

Ever been to hiroshima or nagasaki? Wonderful cities that were REBUILT after total destruction. Sometime God needs to tear it all down...so that HE can rebuild it back up. But rebuild he will do...if YOU let him.

I am close to being able to develop a dream for myself

Let your imagination run wild...you really can do whatever YOU put your mind to.

Have I blindly allowed H to send a message to the world that our marriage and I weren't of value? Was I closing my eyes and holding on for dear life trying to keep him?

You did what you knew at the time. You know better now so YOU will do better.

In terms of letting go...

Sometime we hold on so tightly to something...

We feel we cannot make it with out it...

Then

We realize...

We can

We can fly, yeah we may stumble a bit here and there BUT such is life isn't it.

When we really start to fly

We realize just how special each of us are.

We are special just because we are.

God Bless,
Eric

[25yearsmlc]

another good song is "I will love again"...

Irish, I find it sad that you might have put your h's 'feathers not getting ruffled' and or you wanting to be low maintenance for HIM, over your own peace of mind and pride in the home, or the home's serenity, or its' value, or its' appearance ---and ahead of the home you provide to your children, and their feelings about it.

Sure you can regret that, for a MINUTE. Then be glad for the lesson learned and don't backslide on this if you can possibly avoid it. (It also gives him something more to miss about the home) but really, who cares what he SAYS? Not you! You live there, as does your son, and it's nicer now. That's a good thing. Period.

If you see him and he says something negative or if you hear of it thru the kids, you have to act as if you ASSUME he's glad for the improvements b/c after all, it's the family home and so "of course" he's happy for all of you. He surely wants the best for his family even if he's not living there anymore, WHO WOULDN'T WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR THEIR FAMILY?

This presumption of good intentions gives him something healthy to live up to even if you don't believe it and it is NOT a tactic. It's a way to cope with the kids comments and to show them that caring for oneself and one's home, is what one does. He is, simply, irrelevant to this now.

Hope this makes sense.

[irishblessings]

I hope it's not inappropriate to say - but I love you all! You have made my day! You keep giving me great things to think about and I think (don't want to get cocky) some of the fog is lifting! Thanks so much!

[25yearsmlc]

If you allowed yourself to envision life without your h, in a positive light, as in, with you actually enjoying yourself, what would that look like?
Force yourself to do it and be detailed! Then begin to create it. A fulfilling life without your h.

If you cannot do this, it's the same as saying that if he were killed in an auto crash you'd surrender to eternal grief and shrivel up and die. Would you really do that? If not, then you know that it's partly ego creating the misery you often feel. The rejection of a man who left by choice. Yes I understand that. But our ego IS within our control. Re-direct your ego into self respect and make a good life for yourself without your h. If he ever "wakes up" and IF he's willing to make the numerous changes that would likely be needed for you to feel secure with him, and could do it long enough, THEN you can address all that. Meanwhile, how's your new life going? What are you doing to be happy as a woman with wonderful healthy kids?

PS Lest any of us forget, 95% of women in the world don't have what we have going for us. Perspective...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

25,

You are so F-ing cool. : )

I'd say I hope all is well with you, but you being you? I know all is well with you.

Ladies,
I am not saying put 25 on a pedestal.
I am not saying blindly follow her advice.
I am suggesting that you listen to it and weigh it, it is good advice. She is a strong confident AND FORGIVING woman, and THAT is very attractive.

[25yearsmlc]

25,

You are so F-ing cool. : )

I'd say I hope all is well with you, but you being you? I know all is well with you.

Ladies,
I am not saying put 25 on a pedestal.
I am not saying blindly follow her advice.
I am suggesting that you listen to it and weigh it, it is good advice. She is a strong confident AND FORGIVING woman, and THAT is very attractive.