Question about arguing

[sgctxok]

This is a great thread...very solution oriented.

[gutwrenching]

I agree, just went and re-read after W and I had massive fight this weekend. First really major fight in years...it wasn't good...neither of us handled well and we are still on unsettled ground from it

[FindingMyVoice]

I agree, just went and re-read after W and I had massive fight this weekend. First really major fight in years...it wasn't good...neither of us handled well and we are still on unsettled ground from it

Hey GW, I'm sorry, I had a bit of a rough weekend so I'm tired and not quite remembering your sitch... but yah I can relate. Starting to have fights after so long of none can be rough. But I think despite how crappy they can make you feel, they can be a good thing. Sometimes the place you get to after them, is better than where you can get without (even though it's a bumpy ride). What did you argue about?

[gutwrenching]

What did we argue about...LOL...you know I look back and know what started it but not sure how it grew out of control and not sure what path we ended up on

It started with the fact we are in a rough period. My W (EA for a year) is having feelings for OM and having trouble dealing with them. I am having trouble, some days worse than others, dealing with the realization that those instant spark feelings are still there and they are stronger for OM than for me. So after what started out as a good evening with friends (W even told me later on in fight how much fun she had, how I looked at her with love in my eyes the way she had wanted for all those years), went downhill when she did one of those things that triggered my not dealing well know she has feelings for OM. She grabbed the iphone and consumed herself in phone instead of us spending some quality time together as we had previously talked about doing. And then the fights led to talks of OM and just got kind of ugly and then the flood of emotions hit W and she started crying about these feelings for OM that she can't shake even though she knows she shouldn't have them...

And as a side note, it just so happened to be the anniversay of the bomb from a year ago...

[FindingMyVoice]

What did we argue about...LOL...you know I look back and know what started it but not sure how it grew out of control and not sure what path we ended up on

We've had those too.

She grabbed the iphone and consumed herself in phone instead of us spending some quality time together as we had previously talked about doing.

So did the fight start after this then? How did you handle this? What did you say to her?

And as a side note, it just so happened to be the anniversay of the bomb from a year ago...

I don't think that's a side note. I think that's a 'smack dab front and centre note' It's no wonder you guys ended up in a scrap. You must have both felt very tense and uncomfortable that day.

[gutwrenching]

I know I felt very tense and uncomfortable and I had tried to communicate that to her earlier in the day. But right now, she struggles communicating in return because she doesn't want to hurt me and she is struggling with these feelins for OM.

I didn't handle her consuming herself in the phone well at all. With it being "that day", with having heard about those feelings ealier in the day, it triggered that lack of trust in me and my pride being hurt again and I started the fight. I honestly don't remember what I said, I'm sure it could have been said much better, but I don't remember

I guess the key now FMV, is any advice on how to repair and move forward. It feels like we took a couple of steps backwards. It seems like we are at another crossroads where she has decide me or him...she told me she has already made that choice (and she did...from my sitch when she finally realized what S meant and that I was letting go, she ended it with him and asked for another chance to work on our M)...but I think she needs to make it again.

[FindingMyVoice]

It seems like we are at another crossroads where she has decide me or him...she told me she has already made that choice (and she did...from my sitch when she finally realized what S meant and that I was letting go, she ended it with him and asked for another chance to work on our M)...but I think she needs to make it again.

So how to repair and move forward. Well, I know that in my sitch although I never had an EA or PA I definitely had a long-standing attraction to another man. So I'm not sure if that qualifies me to advise... I can share this with you though. Even as my H and have continued to reconnect and find new intimacy, I STILL have had those old feelings come back for this other man occassionally. I find it's when I've been feeling disconnected from my H for a stretch of time, that they come back. But when my H and I take time to do special things together, share meaningful talks, spend quiet physical time together ... even just cuddling, holding one another, that kind of thing... it's when we do all these things that the feelings for that other guy stay far far away and I think... 'what the h&ll was I thinking... this is WAY better than anything I could ever imagine with that other guy!'

So in light of that, do you think that the way to repair and move forward might revolve not just around how to make up after the fight, but around finding ideas as to how you and your W continue feeling connected to one another?

[gutwrenching]

So in light of that, do you think that the way to repair and move forward might revolve not just around how to make up after the fight, but around finding ideas as to how you and your W continue feeling connected to one another?

I think this is brilliant, but...
She says she is feeling those things now with me. She feels loved, appreciated, safer, secure...she even used the phrase "i know the grass isn't greener on the other side"...but I also got a line that she feels like she's in the novel the Bridges of Madison county...

But I can try again
Thanks for helping me talk through this one

[FindingMyVoice]

...but I also got a line that she feels like she's in the novel the Bridges of Madison county...

!!! Oh my heavens that's just how I'd felt too. When did she say that to you?

What types of things do you and she DO together? Weekly date night? Any little everyday rituals like a 5-min snuggle (and I mean skin on skin here... ) before falling asleep (that one's made HUGE differences for us in the last few weeks!)

[gutwrenching]

She said that too me earlier in the day on Saturday...well before the big argument. It was when we were about to have a small argument about something else and I could tell she was annoyed so I opened up (the new me!) and told her I was having a rough few days dealing with the fact that she was having these feelings and I was losing trust...and then we talked a little and she was trying to make me understand without hurting me deeply. So she said, remember the book the Bridges of Madison County? I said yes. And then she tells me that is what she feels like.

Everyday rituals we need to get better at in my opinion. The one constant is the one you describe above, the snuggle before falling asleep, in fact in the last few days she told me how safe she feels while doing this. I've tried to get a monthly date night going, but that has failed. Weekly...no way. We both work full time (together, same building might I add...and we carpool together). We had a date night in Sep, not in Oct, nothing so far in Nov.

So how did you get past the Bridges of Madison County? Anything your husband could have done to get you past that sooner?