IDU, I am emotional guy, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that you are the primary caregiver in this situation, not your W, who doesn't seem to give a crap about anyone but herself at the moment. I say F her feelings. Hopefully it IS horrifying and shocking to her to imagine living without her kids. This is the CHOICE that SHE made, not you. Maybe this fact will finally wake her ass up, but I doubt it. It doesn't seem to have had a big impact on my W, who was also horrified about living without her kids. Unfortunately for her, they are not HER kids, they are OUR kids and a big part of the problem in our R was the fact that she could not do ANYTHING without the kids. She couldn't leave them with a sitter or EVEN WITH ME for more than a couple of hours without having serious separation anxiety that caused her to FREAK OUT. Then it became MY FAULT that she didn't get to do anything. WAKE UP!!
I also do not believe that having two homes is the best situation for the kids, but EVERYONE will suffer consequences from HER decision. You have been there 100% for your kids and they would be devastated to have to live without YOU for 100% of the time. YOU are the ROCK in their lives. I think that YOU have a great case for primary custody if you so choose, but DO NOT settle for ANYTHING less than 50% custody no matter what SHE FEELS! Anything less would NOT be fair to your kids.
She MAY clean-up her act after you are separated, as Flowmom's H did, but who really knows. That is a leap of faith at the moment. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT settle on this. YOU are the primary and responsible parent in this situation and YOU are what is best for your kids. Obviously, you do want a healthy co-parenting relationship with your W, but I am not sure that she is capable of it at the moment. Do your best for YOUR kids.
Sorry Flowmom. As wise as you are, I just can't agree with you on this point if you are suggesting that IDU give up his shared placement rights to his W at this time.
I hope that I am not out of line here, but your W's FEELINGS about child placement have no place in this discussion IMHO.
All the best to you and your family and keep doing what is right for your kids. Stay strong.
Sorry Flowmom. As wise as you are, I just can't agree with you on this point if you are suggesting that IDU give up his shared placement rights to his W at this time.
I hope that I am not out of line here, but your W's FEELINGS about child placement have no place in this discussion IMHO.
Agree with Dan. Custody arrangements are a legal proceeding, and -- by design -- are adversarial. That doesn't mean that IDU needs to be an azz about thing, but he does need to look out for his children's best interests, without regard to his wife's feelings on the matter. In her current state, she definitely does NOT have the marriage's best interests at heart, but more importantly does not even seem to have the CHILDREN'S best care and interests at heart.
50/50 is what he should go far, nothing less. Maybe OM can help his wife deal with how she feels about that.
I will not settle for anything less than 50/50. I only wish I was as adamant about other things.
Quick journal entry-
The boys game last night went well. They both did well and are improving every day. It is great to watch and brings back fond memories of when I was that age and playing ball.
I got to the game a little late, as usual, because of my work schedule and W was sitting with the kids and told me, "Sorry it's too crowded. You'll have to find somewhere else to sit." I smiled and did just that. I sat with some other parents and cheered my boys. At half time, I talked with some people and mingled. Took my seat back for the second half and enjoyed the game. Afterward, I talked to the boys, and held D7 and S4. They asked if I had just got there and I just said there was no room for me to sit by them. We played for a while and got a snack. W volunteered to stay and help clean up and I told the kids I would see them at home. I had a headache and was hungry. It was @8:15 when I went home.
They all showed up about 20 min. later and I helped get them showered and ready for bed. I went to bed when they did and W slept on the couch again. I really do sleep better without her, now.
So, that was my first taste of what things will be like as far as the school events with the kids go. It really sucked, but I made the best of it and put on my happy face and enjoyed myself. Something I must get used to.
I got to the game a little late, as usual, because of my work schedule and W was sitting with the kids and told me, "Sorry it's too crowded. You'll have to find somewhere else to sit."
That's CB.
"Wife, you don't have to like me. Next time we attend a b-ball game as a family I want the courtesy of you saving a seat for me. If you don't I will take the kids and we will sit somewhere else together and you can join us if you like."
Don't ever get used to people treating you this way. If you don't think you are worth it nobody else will.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sorry Flowmom. As wise as you are, I just can't agree with you on this point if you are suggesting that IDU give up his shared placement rights to his W at this time.
Perhaps I was unclear. IDU, definitely go for 50/50. I believe it's best for everyone concerned. As far as you seeking primary custody, I'm not so sure.
1. it would create a huge amount of conflict which would trickle down to your children 2. your children need their mother too, even if she's not perfect...and especially young children 3. it will help you to have some child-free time to yourself to start cultivating an identity as a man, not just a husband and father. this might seem selfish, but honestly my children have indirectly benefited from the pleasure that I've taken in adult pursuits, dating and otherwise. 4. your W will probably be a better mother when you're not there (over?)compensating for her.
hugs
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
