2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Ya, I am from divorce as well and there is nothing good for kids.
My kids have the absolute best situation given that we are divorced. They love their 2 different lives and households.
My XW occasionally asks for us to all do stuff together.

It's f-ed up. Everyone around us asks why we are divorced when they see us.
We are a divorced couple that does everything like we are married yet we are divorced.

You keep the faith as well. We all have to stick together and support each other.

[HopelessInLove]

For most love is such a strong bond.

I came to this web site for support, and I feel there is a lot of good support.

I have not read your sitch, but from what I have seen your XW has the comfort of a relationship without being responsible for you and your needs. She is using kids as that glue for that R.

Prayer for me is a big part of my life but since going through what I have gone through, I pray now for myself and everyone on here.

My W was to see a L today and am just preparing myself for the worst. Last night we were talking and she commented on how she thinks that we will still do holidays and family events as that a family. IDK if this was the right thing to say to her, I told her that if we are not married after this Christmas I cannot see us doing any family event together. IDK if I can even stay friends with her. I know that it is not in the DB spirit, but my life needs to away from W drama. I love her to much to continually allow her to hurt me.

R U finding XW to be walking back toward U and a R? R U GAL/Detach? I ask for you and myself.

[whitneypinch]

Hello HIL,

I can tell you I don't have the answers. I wish I did.

No, my XW is not walking back towards me at all BUT she does keep connected to me. Somedays she is cold and some days she will send ((((hugs)))) in emails.

She thinks we are great parents (LOL). The truth is we are the best divorced couple I know. My kids have the best life they could have, given the situation.
My 7 and 5 year are starting to have trouble at school. Of course my XW thinks that's just normal. I am from divorce and I know it's a direct symptom of the situation.

The big factor in my situation is that my XW is from an extremely wealthy family and my XW is very pretty, successful, physically fit etc. She has it all and a non-stop group of friends etc.
She owns her own house and cottage now.

She really does not need me at all.

I drive my kids to school and have extra nights with them when she is travelling for work. I have debated many times not being available but concluded I would rather have the extra time with my kids instead of trying to make it difficult for her.

I have been out with her and our kids a number of times and I can tell you 100% (for me) that it is not very good. Most of the time she is guarded and it's heartbreaking to be standing next to her and be treated like a stranger. The next day is also awful as it plays havoc of your self-esteem. I also end up missing her and my kids even more.

I am not sure how it will be for you to spend holidays together but maybe you should try a few times to see how she reacts.

The next time my EX suggests we do something all together I am just going to ask her "why"?

Just keep coming to these boards to read.
Every once and awhile someone will post something that you may save to read.

Here is something someone else posted that sometimes helps me:

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

LET THEM GO!

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to someone that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...

LET IT GO!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

LET THEM GO!

If someone has angered you...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...

LET THEM GO!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...

LET IT GO!

If you have a bad attitude...

LET IT GO!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...

LET THEM GO!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...

LET IT GO!

Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then...

LET THEM GO!

[whitneypinch]

Don't get me wrong my feelings change each day.
One day I am angry and feel I deserve better, the next day I miss my XW and the next miss my kids terribly. I always miss my kids.

I had to email back and forth today about Halloween costumes. I have the kids on Halloween weekend but they are going trick or treating with my XW.
She wrote "If you want to come around with us you are more than welcome!"

I just never know if I should go anymore. On one hand I welcome any extra chance to be with my kids. My kids would love me to come.
At the same time I feel that it sends a message to my XW that this is all just fine, when it's NOT.
Michele says accept some invites but not all. I get invited about once every 6 weeks. Most of the time my ex is cold when I am with her. It leaves me feeling so empty and heartbroken the next day.

Anyone want to chim in about me going trick or treating with my kids?
I know many of you out there are saying that "you wished you could hang with your X, but let me tell you it is not easy ! It's so hard to hang with them knowing they feel nothing towards you. All I want to do is hug my 2 kids and XW and never let go.
BTW I have a typical WAW with all the trimmings.;)

[whitneypinch]

So I have my kids this upcoming weekend.
On Halloween (Sunday) I have to take my kids to my XW house. It's her turn this year to take the kids trick or treating.
My XW in an email back and forth on the weekend wrote this " If you want to come around with us you are more than welcome!"

Should I go?
I will have had a great Halloween weekend with my kids already. I worked with both my kids to make them their costumes, etc.

I am just wondering if this is one of those times when I should politely say "no thanks" to my XW.

Thoughts ???

BTW my XW is travelling on business this Wednesday. I am picking the kids up from her place and driving them to school as she is going to be away.
My XW has asked if I could watch their dog while she is away. WTF ?

[forward]

If she makes you feel bad, I would not go.

[whitneypinch]

Ya, it's funny. A lot of us want our Xs to invite us to something. Then when it happens we struggle with it.
In the past times I have been with my X she has been very neutral when we are out with our kids.
The next day I am left feeling really empty.
It's nice to spend time as a family but it leaves me wanting more.

I think really the issue is that I agree to get together with expectations. I hope that when I see her she is happy for us to be together as a family.
As we are all told we need to have no expectations. It is really hard not to have expectations.

[JMC]

Ya, it's funny. A lot of us want our Xs to invite us to something. Then when it happens we struggle with it.

I agree. Our daughter recently married her high school sweetheart. About five weeks before the wedding my ex-w sent me an email (after receiving my check for the agreed upon amount) that was very happy oriented and suggested we all get together for dinner and go over the ceremony, etc.. Although I have always wanted her to reach out, at this time I responded in a somewhat distant tone. She suggested again. I guess my feeling was that why should we pose as a happy loving family when she is living with one of the people who helped her destroy anything that a family should resemble. However, for my daughter's sake I responded with a few dates that might work. I guess by this time my ex was annoyed enough to agree with my original suggestion that we could discuss at the rehearsal. Ultimately it was a wonderful and beautiful event, but it would have been better had we been a couple, or at the very least had the OM and some of his friends/family not been there.

[whitneypinch]

Ya, it's their lack of sensitivity and/or selfishness that drives what they do.
My ex probably wants me to come along to show the kids that we are all friends now. I believe she thinks it will make what she did to our family ok.

The bottom line is us LBS have to decide if we want to go to these events for our kids.
We can't worry what the motivation is of our Xs.

My daughter is home sick with me today. She asked me if I was going to come trick or treating with her. Ahhhhh how can I say no to that. She is only 7.

On a happy note I am taking my kids to the session opening basketball game tonight.
Toronto Raptors ! We have gone for the last two years.

[JMC]

Ya, it's their lack of sensitivity and/or selfishness that drives what they do.

Yep - midlife crisis, narcissism..who knows. Bottom line, my ex had a dysfunctional childhood that lacked love (angry father who was a functional alcoholic, mother who died while my ex was 17 & pregnant, father died a few years later). I have simply come to believe that dysfunctional childhoods more often than not lead to dysfunctional adulthoods.

I agree that we LBS have to suck it up and do a lot of things for our kids. Hope you had a great time at the Raptors game.

On a side note, one of my best friends is from Toronto and several years ago we spent some time at his parent’s cabin on Lake Muskoka - beautiful!