I don't know if you were talking about YOU being sure to get joint custody, or justifying full custody for yourself.
If it's the latter, you still want to think about the kids and not use custody as a punishment for your W. The kids want their parents, and depriving them of one won't be good for them unless they are getting abused/neglected. I don't think that is your intent.
My intent is to make sure I get as close to 50-50 as is reasonably possible. We really have no agreement in place at the moment because she refuses to leave. She had said before, when bringing up D, that she wanted me to have them 50% of the time. Since she has spoken to her L, that has changed. She want residential custody, x-amount of CS and the ability to move. I told her there was no way I would agree to all of that.
I have at least one teacher, the school secretary, and three board members who said they will stand up for me in court if it comes to that. Also friends, neighbors and my priest. She was responsible for S4 breaking his collar bone at v-ball practice. She was investigated for child abuse by DCFS.(which I just mention for the possible fight. I don't believe she ever did anything to harm the child) I think I have my case for 50-50. But you never know.
All I'm trying to do is make sure I am involved in their lives. There is no way I am going to be a weekend dad. NO WAY! I hope to avoid any type of big fight in court and to get things ironed out ahead of time. I've read here and heard too many times that the XW/XH said and did things to try to get custody that nobody ever imagined they would do. Just trying to protect myself and my kids.
Well she's definitely given you cause to be extra vigilant when she says she wants residential custody and the ability to move.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that, but hearing that, it seems like you are definitely taking the right precautions. I don't think she has a case if she chose to fight you on it, but I'm sure you've told your lawyer all that so she is prepared for what you wife might try to pull.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Just catching up a bit IDU. It really concerns me how you're writing about the custody issue here. It sounds like you're preparing for a court case and a big fight. Yes, sometimes it comes to that but it's rarely the best scenario.
From her perspective 50/50 is really scary -- she gets less time with her kids *and* less money. Yes, as the father you're entitled to 50%, but remember that she doesn't necessarily know what your motivation would be in seeking that. In addition to wanting time with your kids, it could involve saving money or punishing her. I think it's time to sit down with her and make yourself a bit vulnerable. Let her know what it would mean to you to forge a positive coparenting relationship and have the children 50% of the time. She may be seeing your strong side, but when it comes to this she may need to be reminded that papa bear needs enough time with his children.
Remember that regardless of your hopes for your marriage here, you'll share parenting with her for the rest of your lives. You can be part of setting a strong precedent for the coparenting relationship right now, by providing leadership. "Lets look at our wants and needs here". "We both want time with our children". "The more we can work together the easier we can make this for the children". etc.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"She was responsible for S4 breaking his collar bone at v-ball practice. She was investigated for child abuse by DCFS.(which I just mention for the possible fight. I don't believe she ever did anything to harm the child"
I'm not sure I understand this part. If she didn't do anything to harm the child , including being neglectful, how is she responsible for the injury?
That's a serious allegation and as a trial lawyer I can tell you, saying things like that, if you are found to be exaggerating for effect, can do real damage to your credibility in court.
Just catching up a bit IDU. It really concerns me how you're writing about the custody issue here. It sounds like you're preparing for a court case and a big fight. Yes, sometimes it comes to that but it's rarely the best scenario.
From her perspective 50/50 is really scary -- she gets less time with her kids *and* less money. Yes, as the father you're entitled to 50%, but remember that she doesn't necessarily know what your motivation would be in seeking that. In addition to wanting time with your kids, it could involve saving money or punishing her. I think it's time to sit down with her and make yourself a bit vulnerable. Let her know what it would mean to you to forge a positive coparenting relationship and have the children 50% of the time. She may be seeing your strong side, but when it comes to this she may need to be reminded that papa bear needs enough time with his children.
Remember that regardless of your hopes for your marriage here, you'll share parenting with her for the rest of your lives. You can be part of setting a strong precedent for the coparenting relationship right now, by providing leadership. "Lets look at our wants and needs here". "We both want time with our children". "The more we can work together the easier we can make this for the children". etc.
(((hugs)))
Thanks, as always, FM.
Yep, I can go back and read my last few posts and see the fear there about the kids. I know a big court fight is never the best scenario. I am trying to prepare myself for the really crappy part of this. She wants this and this and this and then offers to let me keep the house. That is her trade off. I can't afford the house and to pay her a big amount in CS. The only reason I would want the house is to have a place that is familiar and comfortable to the kids.
Anyway, thanks for the reality check. Your entire post is right on the money. Your wisdom and common sense are always welcome and needed. I do okay for a while and then my defenses go up and I lose sight of what's really important. I have to find some compassion for my W and what she's going through. It's really hard though, you know? This is all her choice and I can't control her and I can't stop her from tearing our family apart. I hate it and I'm starting to hate her. That is not succsessful DBing, it's a defense mechanism.
"She was responsible for S4 breaking his collar bone at v-ball practice. She was investigated for child abuse by DCFS.(which I just mention for the possible fight. I don't believe she ever did anything to harm the child"
I'm not sure I understand this part. If she didn't do anything to harm the child , including being neglectful, how is she responsible for the injury?
That's a serious allegation and as a trial lawyer I can tell you, saying things like that, if you are found to be exaggerating for effect, can do real damage to your credibility in court.
This concerns me also. Within the last year I was actually looking after my D4 when she also broke her collarbone. I remember when you wrote about that incident and really seemed to be blaming her for what seemed to be an accident. Don't start building a case that she's a bad mother, even in your mind. It will poison not only your relationship with her, but also your family life and put the children in the middle of a fight. Unless there is serious info that I have missed or that you're not sharing here.
I hope you will read the Sandcastles book that I have recommended before. It will help you see divorce from a child's perspective. Very painful to read, but it provides huge motivation for creating a positive family life in the midst of divorce.
hugs
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"She was responsible for S4 breaking his collar bone at v-ball practice. She was investigated for child abuse by DCFS.(which I just mention for the possible fight. I don't believe she ever did anything to harm the child"
I'm not sure I understand this part. If she didn't do anything to harm the child , including being neglectful, how is she responsible for the injury?
That's a serious allegation and as a trial lawyer I can tell you, saying things like that, if you are found to be exaggerating for effect, can do real damage to your credibility in court.
This concerns me also. Within the last year I was actually looking after my D4 when she also broke her collarbone. I remember when you wrote about that incident and really seemed to be blaming her for what seemed to be an accident. Don't start building a case that she's a bad mother, even in your mind. It will poison not only your relationship with her, but also your family life and put the children in the middle of a fight. Unless there is serious info that I have missed or that you're not sharing here.
I hope you will read the Sandcastles book that I have recommended before. It will help you see divorce from a child's perspective. Very painful to read, but it provides huge motivation for creating a positive family life in the midst of divorce.
hugs
This is, admittedly, something I can't let go of. It's all part of her behavior during this mess. She was only worried about coaching, spending time at school and spending time with the super.
In the last couple of weeks, I have found out from teachers and others at the school that the super was warned at the beginning of the school year, last year, about what seemed to be improper contact with my W and he denied it. Of course, she did, too. It continued to get worse and they both lied about the amount of time they spent together and the places they "ran into" each other.
I mention all of that only to back up what I was told. The super was told by the staff, teachers, etc. that he needed to tell my W to stop bringing our 4 kids to practice with her because they were unsupervised, especially S3. The super is also the Athletic Director and he said he would take care of it. I had also mentioned it to my W several times; How could she watch the kids while she was coaching? Why didn't she wait until S3 was in school and a little older to where he didn't have to constantly be watched? She said she had it under control and it was cleared by the school.(Meaning the super)
Yes, accidents happen. He fell while at school while she was coaching and was on the other end of the gym. She had no idea he was up on the stage. S9 was trying to get him to come down and was "in charge" of watching him. Sorry, he was her responsibility. I don't really think I am exaggerating. It is part of the bigger problem, to me. She does not, at this time, have her kids' or her family's best interest at heart. She is only concerned about herself. I am simply trying to protect my family and my kids.
I hope it doesn't come down to slinging all this crap. I want her to leave, she isn't the person that I married and she has never shown any sign of wanting to work on things. She doesn't see how I could get past everything. She still denies doing anything wrong while I continue to gather evidence that she has and a lot of other people have noticed. As I was told here all along, I should have "snooped" more when it all started. Instead, I let her convince me I was paranoid and jealous and it was my fault that she wanted out. Steve told me to snoop and I didn't want to accept that my W could do this. All this info could have served me better months ago, but it is helping me realize just where my W's head was and still is.
Like I said, I don't want it to go to a big court fight. I will not accept anything less that 50-50 time with my kids. She has suggested that is no longer acceptable to her. It would be "too hard on the kids". But only seeing me a couple days a week would be easier on them? I don't think so. I may be coming across as vindictive and I will admit that I am still mad that she would make this decision to tear apart our family, but I am not gathering this info to throw it in her face and publicly disgrace her or anything. I'm just trying to protect myself and my kids. I don't know how else to do that if she won't accept my proposal and she won't leave the home.
I know I'm still too attached to the outcome, but they are my kids, too. Maybe I'm feeling guilty having let it get this far and not put a stop to it all.
My W also likes to claim that 50/50 placement will be too hard on the kids and she knows this because she has read so much on the topic. Well, our child mediator put her in her place on that claim saying, "Well, I don't know what you have read, but I am pretty up on the new literature and go to all kinds of conferences and the current thinking is that equal placement is best."
It would be different if you were a neglectful father, like your W appear to be as a mother. You have spent so much time with your kids and have done so much for them that I could argue YOU should have primary placement. DO NOT accept anything less than 50%.
In my own case, I have accepted 1/2 less dy than equal placement just to get the agreement done outside of the courtroom.
Fight the good fight IDU. You are in ther right here, but as Flowmom says, just try to keep the kids out of the war. You are a great dad and I KNOW you will!!
Well, off to the twins Bball game. On Tues. night, our team had 36 points and my boys had 24 of those. Lots of rebounds and steals, too. It's amazing how much difference one year makes. They actually look like they know what they are doing out there! (Sometimes. :D)
Can I share with you my thoughts on 50/50? Right after separation, the idea of my children not living with me even part of the time was horrifying and shocking. It was a huge leap for me to come to terms with them spending one night a week with H, and spending time at his apartment that I hadn't seen. It took me a lot of time to sort out "what's best for my kids" in my mind.
At this point, I believe that it's best for my children to spend up to 50% of time with their dad (though for me to accept 50/50 he would have to cut back on some of his work and leisure activities). However, I do have a lot of trouble with the idea of my children having "two homes". I know that this is sold as "two is better than one". But to me two homes equals no homes. I don't want to cheat my children out of time with their dad, but living between two homes is disruptive for them and they are the ones who pay the huge price for divorce.
What really helped me was that STBXH allowed me to gradually get used to the kids spending more time apart from me, and for longer stretches of time. Keep in mind that I was very much the primary caregiver and my kids are not in school or daycare. It took months for me to accept the reality of coparenting and to realize that I could accept up to 50% custody with STBXH.
Also, we had an agreement that any temporary custody arrangement would not be precedent-setting and would be subject to review every month. That allowed me to stretch my comfort zone as an experiment rather than feeling like I was agreeing to "forever".
To be honest, STBXH really cleaned up his parenting act once we separated. He realized that it wasn't going to fly to not have it together while he had custody of the kids and I wasn't there for backup. So my kids actually benefited from better parenting from the WAS after separation. He's not stupid and I'm sure he was warned to be impeccable in his parenting after the separation to avoid issues.
I'm not saying that any of this is a guide to what you should do. I'm just saying that your W has likely not come to terms with reality here and you guys haven't even separated. It will likely involve a process on her part.
You should look at the outcome that you want a year from now and develop a strategy for how to get there. Try to understand what your W is going through -- not because she deserves your empathy, but because using some psychology will work in your favour. I believe that I and STBXH both did that, and it has worked well so far. We didn't want to waste money on lawyers and we wanted a good coparenting relationship. We've both had to manage our emotions and reactions in order to establish a basis for working together. We are gradually moving towards a friendly collaborative relationship.
hugs!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
