So what? He's what? My age? 47 years old, and the best years are behind him, and he's been wondering if he missed out on something like dating/marrying a beauty queen? Is that his unfulfilled fantasy that became now or never when he finally confronted the stark reality of his own mortality and the eventuality of his own failing health?
Him,Donald Trump and Rod Stweart should party, eh?
Donald & Rod can afford women too young for them. Is your H loaded, or is he headed for huge disappointment and probably victimhood?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Rationally I know everything that is being said is true. I really do. Emotionally though - it is still so painful right now I feel hopeless. I don't want my emotions to rule but I feel like I have suppressed this hurt and anguish for so long that if I don't get it out I won't be able to create a new life. The layers of humiliation, hurt, anguish, sadness are nauseating me! I feel like everyone is moving on and happy but me and I am scared. Scared that there is really something wrong with me. Scared that I am really the one who is f*cked in the head.
Please know this question comes from someone who's been where you are, but have you seen someone about medication? Your continued "cycling" thru the phases of depression and backsliding seem to be partly physical now and it's affecting about every aspect of your life.
I keep hearing "don't blame yourself, it's him not you" - then I hear "take a good look in the mirror - see what your contributions were to the failed marriage" I am so confused! I have tried to admit my failings, ask for forgiveness - he can't and won't forgive me. Were my "sins" so much more unforgivable? Then I hear "he's sick, he's impaired, he's MLC, he's this/that" - all I know right now is he is HAPPY WITHOUT ME! And it kills me. What don't I get here? My SIL emailed me today and said that she had talked to H and hoped that I could "cope with the decision he has made and go further with your lives in a way that is good for you both and the kids"
This means you must start at least acting as if you accept his choices and are not Stuck. She's telling you to move on and even if it's just an act, do it. "Standing" does not mean standing around waiting. You seem to be very focussed on MLC issues and asking a lot of questions that have no answers. I urge you to stop asking things that have no answer. I seriously doubt your h knows why he is doing what he is doing. The fact that he's changed the past 6 years means, he's changed. So don't try to mind read.
I think the idea that it's MLC gives some people hope that their situation has a higher chance of recon and I don't know if that's even true. I DO KNOW that my single biggest regret in looking back, is how much time I wasted asking questions like you are asking. I wracked my brain wondering what had happened to my h and what he was thinking/feeling/doing, etc. But once he was out, It should have ALL been about ME creating a new life for myself and my kids regardless of what H was doing. Otherwise I was giving someone else the power to choose MY happiness. Fact is, we are in charge of our own happiness. No one else is.
Besides, in my case, If all h saw was pain and hurt at home, well, who misses that? Finally I went on a Serious trip with the kids (not going to be alone on our anniversary) and we had such a great time. Best money I ever borrowed! Point was, we WERE and ARE a family whether my h is there or not. This was a turning point for me and in reality, a turning point for my h as well. IT was NOT done as a tactic. But h knew we were having a ball and he was on his own. Not with his w and kids in a new country exploring...oh well, HIS loss. Once h saw that HE was the one "missing out" on family life and fun, I suspect things in his life began to clear up for him. Give yourself and your children a happy home and coincidentally give your h something to miss. To cope would mean I would have to understand why he feels the way he does - why he has done the things he has done. God I don't want to feel this hurt anymore!
No. Coping does NOT mean you have to understand how HE feels or why he has done anything. ALL that you have to do is cope with the fact that your h is, for all intents and purposes, in the Australian bush and you cannot reach him for the foreseeable future. PLEASE Stop thinking you have to "get" this to move on with your life. You don't .You do NOT need to know, let alone understand, all this stuff. Put a "stop sign" in your head every time the image of your h comes up in your mind until your T or your personal work allows you to move forward and deal with him from a postion of strength.
I do not think you seem strong to your son when he asks you to stay away from his dr appt b/c your son knows merely being around your h is too painful for you. You are giving your h so much power, really all of it. Re read Brooklyn's advice. Detach, go dark and heal yourself. It really IS a choice. Life is short and your children are watching.
You do realize you are modelling for them what to do when THEY face a big setback or heartbreak. And they will be heartbroken or betrayed someday in life too. Are you going to show them that their pain is eternal? It's NOT! Are you going to show them that it's fatal? It's NOT....choose to be happy and that begins with honest gratitude which may mean volunteering at a soup kitchen or reading about the 3rd world problems so rampant today. Years ago I was hospitalized while pregnant and felt pretty sorry for myself. I saw the moon in the window and felt some sort of "solidarity" with other pregnant women in the world who might be looking at the moon right then too. Then it hit me. How much better my world was then theirs. I was in a hospital and would give birth in one, with a doctor there. Most women in the world don't give birth in hospitals. Some of them had no shelter. Some of those women had no husbands, or didn't know where they were or if they would return to their village alive.
We are women in this century, thank God. We are in a nation where we can worship as we wish; no one is closing our church or temple or synagogue. No one is shooting at us, or taking our sons and husbands to join their new "army". No one is raping us or our daughters, and we are free to work where we can be hired.
You have a home, not just a shack. It won't collapse in a rain. There is food in your kitchen; it's in a refrigerator run with electricity.There will be food there tomorrow. None of your children has a deadly disease or disability. You have a JOB! It doesn't suck.
So...your h left you and is now in a R with OW. Well Irish, I know that hurts. But I hope in the grand scheme of things you can see that this is survivable. AND you can be happy and loving again. (And loved)
I got some great advice from my db coach. Here's what I learned. If there's a chance for your h to come back, imo, it'd be by contrasting the negative images he's created to justify leaving, with positives. So if you're acting sad and co dependent or needy, it's not working. Do the 180's now and (plus it will help your kids to see this) contrast with positives. Be upbeat, positive, busy with your new life. You can be resigned to his tragic choices and act as if you accept them as final (UNTIL if and when he changes his mind). HE might. He might not. Since you'll be moving on it won't matter to you. Do NOT fall into the mistaken notion that if you act confident and content with your life that your h will somehow let go of the M. that's like saying your approach is working? So why not be an attractive strong woman with her act together, who is also the happy mother of his children, who has a home that is not 'in disrepair" but is warm and loving and comfortable? Whatever has to be fixed in the home, is both your responsibilities to some extent.
Try to talk to a DB coach. The anger probably isn't good to show your h but I can't tell if everyone is telling you that b/c you've been a borderline doormat or what. But the DB coaches are so helpful & specific, that if I could only do ONE thing to save my m, it'd be talking to them. Have you talked to them? And what do you think of the DB books and going dark and last resort and backing off and detaching? What things have you done to move in that direction?
What are YOUR 180's? What are you doing to GAL? What can you do to reassure your children that you will ALL survive as a family, no matter what b/c you will see to that?
I've been where you are and it sucks. But only you can get yourself out of this place. Think hard about that. Good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Who among us has not had a dark night of despair? I have had a good baker's dozen or so. Believe it or not, things will look better with morning's light, and the next, and the next. We crash and burn on occasion; so what?
The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family is to stop trying to get into his head. How can you know what he thinks/feels when he doesn't?
My H told our D24 yesterday that I just kept postponing the inevitable. Now, that ticked me off because sfb still doesn't get the significance of our 20th anniversery & healthcare for me. Not that it should. The darker he stays, the better.
You are doing a wonderful job. You are taking care of you and your family, the important jobs. You are finding out day after day how strong you can be on your own. Tomorrow, or rather today, go out and do something completely different just for you. Get a wild haircut, get a facial, get your nails done. I, personally, bought a pair of black tights, a sexy paisely blouse, and black boots. Couldn't afford em' ; have to pay them off over time, but damn I'll look good at the football game Friday night.
The dark night will be over soon, it may not be your last, but they do begin to space out.
Is it possible that H's claim that he never wanted to marry me / that he felt "trapped" / that he thought he would marry a "tier 1" beauty - etc.
Anything is possible Irish. The bigger question is……do you believe that you are a tier 1 beauty? If you do not, then YOU should ask yourself why?
Hey look you know I can be pretty brutally honest.
So here goes….
Irish – F*CK YOUR H right NOW. Let me repeat F*CK YOUR H right now. F*ck what he thinks, F*ck what he does, F*ch what his opinions are. Just F’em.
Quote:
Is it possible that these statements could be true? We had so many laughs, smiles, moments, touches, etc. - could those have truly been fake?
Irish, go read the MLC resources again. Your H is totally fuc*ed up in the head right now. You need to stop paying attention to what he says. You are allowing your thoughts to bring you down. Stop it!
You continue to spin because you continue to tie YOUR value, YOUR self worth, YOUR identity to what YOUR H says and does.
I am sorry for being so hard with you Irish, but you keep getting on the hamster wheel and spinning, and spinning.
Get off the hamster wheel for a while – hey just for a week – ok?. Stop looking at YOUR H and start looking inside yourself for a few days AND when you LOOK – consider this….
1) Who gave birth to 2 wonderful children 2) Who raise these 2 wonderful children 3) Who continues to be a ROCK for these wonderful children 4) Who get’s up and works 12 hours days in order to provide for these wonderful children 5) Who was attractive enough to have….”fun” with her H, which resulted in wonderful children 6) Who was attractive enough to remain married for 25 years 7) Who is the one keeping the house up to snuff 8) Who is the one who kept her word when she committed to her H 9) Who is the one who is standing and NOT running 10) Who is the one that is doing EVERYTHING in her power to keep her family together 11) Who is the one who has not quit 12) Who is the one that makes sure that the kids get to where they need to get to 13) Who is the one who sacrificed to keep the M going 14) Who is the one that sacrificed herself for her family 15) Who is the one who continue to give 16) Who is the one who has not run off into the arms of another 17) Who is the one that is doing the work 18) Who is that tries to keep the peace 19) Who is the one that picks up after the kids and the dog 20) Who is the one who is trying to live and honest life
The “who is the one” is YOU Irish.
Your H does not define YOU.
Your H did not make YOU the mom that you are
Your H did not do the work
You did all of this Irish and guess what….that makes YOU special. AND nothing YOUR H, your mind, your feelings, your fears, your insecurities – nothing can change that FACT!
Irish – It’s time to stop running.
To stop running from YOURSELF.
Time to stop and realize just how wonderful you are.
Time to stop giving YOUR H the POWER over YOU.
Time to stop running around and around on the hamster wheel.
Time to Be YOU Irish.
“Fear not – for thy God is with Thee”!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I know that you feel like you need to understand it all and why and is what he is saying is true. I know it because I felt the same way.
Here's the thing. It is what it is. Understanding it (which unless you are having the exact same MLC as your h is impossible)aint gonna change it.
You know in your heart that what your h said isnt true. You were there all those years.
So, it's time, sweetie, to put that mindset aside for now. Maybe one day you will understand it all, maybe not.
It wasnt until I gave that all up and just accepted what was, that I really started to heal and move forward.
Just put the thoughts to rest for now. Thinking and rethinking the same things over and over is not getting you anywhere.
IB, I was where you were. I did go on antidepressants and it helped a great deal. Everyone has different opinions on it, but it might be something for you to look into.
So, come on, stop yourself from going down the same path. Do whatever you have to get your mind going in a different direction.
