The inability to sleep is a symptom of menopause. Even if she is not already in menopause, then she is peri-menopausal. it will get worse when she fully reaches menopause.
You can say that agian
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
My W is planning on attending a job hunting group (after four months of unemployment) soon. Since she is planning on this, I keep quiet about this issue, and let her go at her own pace. I manage the finances as best I can (the bills get paid, with credit card use for extras like the dog's daycare or unexpected vet expenses).
I'm able to get her out to be social and physically active, but her sleep is still off. She doesn't go to bed until 3AM and sleeps until noon.
It's an adjustment having her out in the dance community. I admittedly miss being a "single" guy in the dance community. It's also difficult because my W is more straightforward with dance feedback than other lady's are.
I'm working on not letting her moods or irritability affect me too much, but I still get reactive too often. I'm realizing that I blame my W for my reactions to her, and that I need to work on calming myself down, avoid judging her or trying to control her, and living life with her more gracefully, regardless of the problems or her state of mind.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I came home yesterday from work ready and eager to attend our weekly dance class and Salsa venue. My W called me on my way home and told me she was depressed. When I got home, she said she wanted to go to dinner as she hadn't eaten all day. I tried to bargain with her, so I could at least attend the dance class. She started crying again. I took the dog for a walk to think about what I should do--skip the dance class or take the night off to be a dinner companion.
I decided to go to dinner with the hope that it might have a positive influence on her. She shared that she had been cleaning out the basement and was reminded of how unhappy she had been in the past, how poorly she had taken care of her appearance, and disorganized she was. She also was upset with herself for still smoking. I tried to get her to think in terms of what steps she could take, but she didn't respond.
I think listening to a depressed person is helpful to some extent, but ultimately they must make changes in terms of how they think, and how they approach life. My approach to helping her will be to be a companion in social and physical activity, and trying to get her to take small steps forward in solving problems. If I spend too much time listening to her talk, without seeing her taking small steps forward, I will think I'm not being helpful and not using the time well.
We saw our dance teachers at a venue this week, and they asked us to perform a solo Salsa demonstration at a retirement community in December. I expressed my interest, and hope my W will take advantage of this opportunity.
My W attended her second night with me at my ballroom venue. It got off to a difficult start. She started the night off with two dances with other men. I found out later that she didn't want to dance with them, so she was mad at me. I began to dance consecutive dances with her to turn the mood around. It helped to some extent. She didn't complain about the evening afterward, so I guess she hasn't abandoned the venue. I think she needs to be more assertive about asking men to dance, to break the ice with them.
I watched her sitting at the bar, staring at her sandwich. She lacked her usual energy and enthusiasm when out dancing. When speaking with our dance teachers the one dance teacher's mouth was open with surprise, as my W spoke critically of herself and our dancing. I was embarrassed.
I plan on being compassionate, but smarter about it this time around. She needs a kind ear, a guiding hand, and also the expectation that I will continue to participate in some activities without her, if she continues to take the night off.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
For a 51-year-old woman, you seem to treat your wife like a father would treat a child, or a pet. You guide her around, keep her busy, and try to rescue her moods and emotions.
I dunno; just my impression from reaching your thread. I'm trying to learn more about boundaries, so its title caught my attention. In any event, I think you should have stuck to your plans and not taken her to dinner. She had all day to eat something, and then you allow her to ruin your plans. I think if maybe she saw you "doing your thing," with or without her, she'd be forced more to hop on board the marital wagon, so to speak.
For a 51-year-old woman, you seem to treat your wife like a father would treat a child, or a pet. You guide her around, keep her busy, and try to rescue her moods and emotions.
Starsky
It comes down to what will move her forward. The activities we do together are those that I enjoy also--dancing, exercise, swimming, dance lessons. I think it's fine to try to influence one's spouse to move forward in a positive way, as long as I don't take responsibility for her problem. Her depression (or whatever it is) is her problem to solve. It's hard to know where the line is regarding being helpful versus being manipulated. There's a certain amount of experimentation, I will need to do, to get some clarity on this.
I decided to take one night off from dance classes, because my W asked me to. I think going to the class this time would have been selfish. If this becomes a pattern, we'll take another look at it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I realize that these are activities (and even the trips, too) that you enjoy, too. I was referring more to your posts about "I am keeping her busy with _____," or "I feel if I keep her doing thus-and-such, it will be good for her," etc. They come across as patronizing and controlling to me -- albeit from a heart obviously filled with good intentions and love for your wife.
Quote:
Her depression (or whatever it is) is her problem to solve.
I agree. What I'm suggesting is, perhaps adjusting your approach so that she's forced to solve it more frequently. Let her remain in the "crucible" on some of these issues, even if they make her grouchy, irritable, uncomfortable, etc., rather than rescuing her from those feelings or trying to shield her from them to begin with.
What I'm suggesting is, perhaps adjusting your approach so that she's forced to solve it more frequently.
I will need help as I make adjustments along the way, so I appreciate your opinions. At this time, I'm thinking it's fine to break my plans every now and then, if she's having an exceptionally bad day or needs an ear for a specific problem. In general, I think it's best to keep my plans, even if she chooses not to attend. There are other nights we can go to dinner, or she can wait until I get home. I have to assess the urgency of the situation, and if I think spending that time with her will help her to move forward.
She has a job interview on Friday for a part-time Accounting position. I emailed her a reminder about the smoking cessation class coming up on 11/8 at our fitness facility. There is a dance workshop at our studio tonight, which I'm planning on going to.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W was hired for a PT Accounting position for a restaurant manager who owns several Mexican restaurants. Accounting is not her occupation anymore, but she has the skills. She'll be making the same salary she did at her last job. This will allow to pursue what she would like without the pressure of having to settle for something that doesn't fit. Her appetite seems to have returned, and she is sleeping better.
Our dance teacher wants us to compete in a local dance competition in January. He thinks it's important to have goals and deadlines. We're going to work on Foxtrot, a dance I've wanted work on for some time, and have little experience with.
At the studio today, I took a phone call on my cell phone from a plumber to confirm a meeting time to replace a hot water heater. I mentioned to him that my W wanted a 50 gallon heater. Afterwards, my W mentioned to me that I said W in front of the teacher and another student. She thought their eyes were big with the new information. She wasn't angry, and was amused by it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hopefully your wife's job will help her self esteem and in the process help you both work towards a happy marriage. Do you feel like you are making progress saying "wife" out in public?
