Thanks, Antonia and Blue! I am grateful for all the support I've received through this. I am strong only because of God and the awesome people He has put in my life because of this!
I agree with what you are both saying. I DO feel I am in control of my own destiny here, and that's a good feeling.
SOOOO...I didn't get to get into my list of my requirements for going back in. In fact, I'm pretty sure H just thinks I'm still dying inside for him to come back, etc... He doesn't get that I'm not! The funny thing is, even if I told him that I think he wouldn't believe it. He would think that I'm just being told to say that or whatever. Doesn't matter to me: I know the truth and that is - I'm NOT dying for him to come home or anything like that. In fact, I know that reconciling for me means a ton more pain. I can't explain it, but there's been a shift for me. It's not so much that I've gotten to the end of the race as it has been described, but that I truly can take it or leave it at this point. Right now, I know I will be just fine without him. I would worry about the kids, but I know they don't want me just taking him back under any circumstance either.
The way I see it, for me to go back into this marriage means I have to go back to pain. Back to trying to heal from infidelity where right now I'm good and detached. If I give my heart back to him, that means I also open myself up to the hurt of him being with another woman. If I don't reconcile, I don't have to open my heart back up to him again, and I avoid pain.
Do I still think it's worth it? Do you save the marriage no matter how tough? Well, that's why we're all here. Having said that, the cheating spouse sure doesn't realize the strength of the inner beast they've unleashed. At least not it my case!
Hi Sunny,
I haven't posted on your threads, but have been reading them. I totally agree w/you on this. This is where I am as well. It's hard to decide if you should just go forward w/a totally clean slate (i.e, get D'd) or work thru the tremendous amount of pain inflicted by WAS's A. I don't have any insight for you, just understand where you are.
Hang in there. It's really all any of us can do.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Thanks, Vulcanized, for the support! Sorry you are in this place as well.
I want to clarify what I was saying about pain: It isn't that I think a new marriage with H would have to be pain. It's that I know the recovery process would involve me going back to a place of pain. I know that in practical matters...like intimacy... it will stir up feelings that are painful. In order for me to ccare about this marriage again it means opening my feelings back up to that vunerable place of hurt. Do I know I have to go through that regardless, for my own healing? Yes, of course. BUT...it's a whole new level of pain to un-detach and open my heart to him fully again.
Sunny I think that Grit has given you some good advice.
The thing about being hurt and foregiving, I will just say that you need to get past that. Because like Grit says your old marriage is dead. Even if you get divorced and find someone new, you will have to start from scratch. That HURT will still be there, it is not going to go away because of a piece of paper. You are going to have to LEARN to trust again and build your R. My feelings about this are that why shouldn't it be with the same person. Its the same work.
Also detachment is still KEY in all of this. If that hurt is still there, then you have not yet learned complete detachment. You must learn it to complete the journey. Whether with this husband or another one.
Thanks Grit - some very good advice and things to think about. I will give that a lot of consideration. A LOT.
You're right, Lance, no matter what - if I'm ever going to be in ANY relationship I have to face many things.
I think I am pretty good and detached. I don't feel the hurt right now. That may seem awfully quick being that I didn't learn of the PA until last week, but deep down I knew. Finding out just made the detachment easier. That's the thing - to "undetach" and reconcile means pain. I imagine that to get back into a relationship H means undetaching...
Am I ready? Well, we all go into this kicking and screaming. I'm ready for tomorrow, and that's all I know for now: one day at a time!
I ask myself what does it look like when I would consider letting my W back in my life.
What is healthy for us. More importantly
When is it healthy for us.
Yup... this is the key IMO.
I made a decision to trust again when we started piecing... and now I know my H was not in a healthy place. He had not done the work, he had not addressed what brought him there. So my trust should not have been given as it was.
Now, after I am moving on with my life and proceeding with D... now he brings up reconciliation again.
He is still not healthy. He has still not done the work.
So I am moving forward with my life, feeling stronger, more confident, and more at peace every day.
He is falling apart. That is no longer my problem. But I hope it causes him to do the work he needs to do.
You sound like you are in a strong, healthy place Sunny and you are handling yourself very well. When you are in this place and truly detached (which is always a process that I find takes a lot longer than you think) you can make the choices you need to make for yourself.
I also agree its a process of taking it slow, watching, observing, and focusing on you.
I ask myself what does it look like when I would consider letting my W back in my life.
What is healthy for us. More importantly
When is it healthy for us.
Yup... this is the key IMO.
I made a decision to trust again when we started piecing... and now I know my H was not in a healthy place. He had not done the work, he had not addressed what brought him there. So my trust should not have been given as it was.
Now, after I am moving on with my life and proceeding with D... now he brings up reconciliation again.
He is still not healthy. He has still not done the work.
So I am moving forward with my life, feeling stronger, more confident, and more at peace every day.
He is falling apart. That is no longer my problem. But I hope it causes him to do the work he needs to do.
You sound like you are in a strong, healthy place Sunny and you are handling yourself very well. When you are in this place and truly detached (which is always a process that I find takes a lot longer than you think) you can make the choices you need to make for yourself.
I also agree its a process of taking it slow, watching, observing, and focusing on you.
(((hugs)))
You're right: it is a process and sometimes you don't really know at what stage you're actually in until you get to the other side of it. You know what they say about hindsight!
It really IS a hard decision to trust and I am no where near ready to make that decision with H. Until he shows certain signs of doing the work I am not even ready to THINK about trusting him. The kids aren't either.
He is getting some IC so maybe that will help him get to a healthy place quicker. Whether he does or doesn't, my focus is on me and my three awesome kids! I don't know what makes them finally "get it" and snap out of the coma they've self-induced. Some never do, I suppose.
Something that was said to me when I "crossed over" into to what I refer to as self realization in all of this.
Just think how long that took for you to get there.
And you did it with a strong support group of people.
A process that IMO can be more effective than seeing an IC for your growth and healing...
Your H doesn't have that benefit.
He is on his own to figure it out. And figure it out he must before you will have a healthy relationship.
BUT
You were part of the dysfunction in your M so that part of it won't be brought back to the equation
A different you= a different relationship
Never discount the capacity for someone to grow. This process and what it teaches is capable of amazing things.
If you are detached, then time and patience can be an investment (not a sacrifice) maybe that you make in your M now?
I hadn't thought about that - having the support, etc... you do get to a healthier place much more quickly! Of course, that's because I was looking for the right kind of help and growth. While I was doing that, my H decided to look for his help in another woman. His decision and subsequent actions took him away from growth into destruction: took us ALL into destruction!
I DO think he can grow if he chooses to do so. Once again, it will come down to his choices on how to handle this. My job isn't to react to that but to steer my course (and thus that of the kids) to a healthy place regardless of what he chooses. SO...in that sense, I do know that time and patience is an investment. How much time? How much patience? I truly don't know but maybe that part is dependent on H. If I don't see any strides towards him becoming the man I want to spend my life with then I don't see giving him a long time to figure that out. I have a life to lead. BUT...that is something I just have to take stock in as I continue the process. I'm certainly not ready to just make a snap decision on that.
