New thread - starting the protection phase!

[Butterfly1]

Thank you soooo much friends. I have come a long way, but because of your support and help!!!

I finished my rebuttle. I remembered that once he told me that police phone calls would be useful to him during a divorce. Well, he has them, and he used them.

I am not innocent. I fought back when abused. Of course I did that and he calls me crazy.

And I was. Thank god I"m getting saner. I wrote a response to every account he laid out and showed how it was not one way. I also recounted plenty of crap he did to me during our marriage.

I feel relieved that I have overcome one fear. I kept silent this past year out of fear of him bringing up the police phone calls he made during our arguments. And I get to finally voice what really happened and how awful it was on my end and for my son.

Who knows what the courts will say. I don't know how seriously they take verbal abuse. But his statement was so full of lies and grandiosity it made my stomach turn. He may not listen to my side or my feelings, but hopefully a judge will. I overcame my fear and put it all on paper according to HOPE!

Hopefully he will get served tomorrow. I got an email from him today saying he wanted to take S from WEd evening through fri afternoon. The lawyer advised me to not respond to him and to not allow him to do so. I can't tell you the relief I finally felt feeling like I did not have to respond and cave to his bullying for once!!! I'm still scared he'll try to take S tomorrow night if they don't serve him. But my dad said he'll be here as back up for H's entire visit (it's usually H's night but he visits at my house and puts S to bed).

There will lots more steps ahead that scare me, but I am feeling stronger and like I deserve to finally have support and be believed that this relationship has been abusive. I have reacted very badly in the past but Rabbit knows how i've worked on ODP and not reacting or blowing up in response to his manipulations, his lies, his meanness, his selfishness.

I finally do have hope - not of my fantasy reconsiliation - but that my son and I will WIN and be protected from years ahead of more abuse and coersion. Pray for me tomorrow and Thursday please. My little boy deserves it!!!!

Love to you all!

[Butterfly1]

PS NC is in full force because now that he filed a motion, I can with clear conscience say "Talk to my lawyer". I don't have to talk to him any more! YAY!

And I went out last night and was sitting there with two very nice men who were interested in me. Hah!

[Lost Rabbit]

Ironically ODP is now paying off in a different way! Instead of getting H back it has now given you ammunition to show that when you try to negotiate and keep things sensible H just made life worse and bullied and lied to get you do things he wanted.

Glad you went out and enjoyed yourself, good for you, you and titch are always in my thoughts and prayers, will keep everything crossed as usual
x

[rockedworld]

I am so glad you are getting the much needed relief from interactions with H... and to have a valid reason for NC. You must feel like a drowning woman who has finally come up for air! I am just smiling thinking of how good this is for you my friend.

[Butterfly1]

Oh thanks gals. It's been a weird couple days. For once I did not cave to H's pressure the lawyers told me I have every legal right not to let S go to H's apt. outside our regularly agreed upon times. So I refused his emails, forwarded them to my dad. When H came here for his usual visit tonight I had dad by my side and H was sweet as pie. I did it. I was terrified but it was ok.

Lawyer still working on my motion. It's going to be a big package so she doesn't want to rush things. She is on it and very responsive to me. I am relieved to have this support and not be bullied into things I don't want anymore.

[gutwrenching]

OUTSTANDING!! Well Done! This will get easier for you over time and doesn't it feel good! Keep it up

[Butterfly1]

GW - great to hear from you. I hope all is well with your family and that your W is committed to the M!

I'm down again today. The lawyer basically said that we can request anger management and parenting classes for the Big Bully but that ultimately my state is going to want S6 50/50 with both parents. I am devastated at the thought of being with my son only half the time. And I'm scared of H's temper. I just feel like he's going to have power over me one more time because the courts do not prefer the child to have one main home or stay with mom.

I am also terrifed of money. I have never had full time work and have few job skills. I have only two years left of alimony and then I have to figure out a way to keep this house or sell it. That means this at home mom will be working ft and that means even less time with my son.

I'm feeling not only abandoned emotionally by WAH, but I'm feeling really devastated that he is destroying my life like this - possibly losing my home and my son half time.

Giving up the financial security is one reason I never wanted to leave H, even given the problems in our M.

Also the lawyer said emotional abuse is very hard to prove in court and the court is very cautious with labelling a person that way. She said maybe he is only this way with me (abusive men usually are) and so Ding him and letting him take S away from my home is a better idea. I just felt misunderstood, and not supported. I felt like I have for years, that nobody understands or can help me. I felt like no matter how abusive it may seem in my M there is no recourse for justice or protection. I also felt like she was saying "once everybody calms down and moves on it will all be better and so will your son." Well that's true in some ways. But if he's angry, controlling, and abusive, then that is how he is with or without me. I felt blamed again.

Then I got really hard on myself. Questioning, as I always have "is this really abuse? is it my fault? Am I creating a monster? By engaging with a rageful person haven't I been guilty of creating more stress for my son as well?"

Steps backward tonight. I'll recover. Just down and fearful.Feeling lonely. Missing the early years when H and I loved each other so much, travelled the world, had hopes and dreams and plans for the future of our family. I hope one day I can get back to believing that leaving him is actually a better option but right now I do not.

Thanks for all your words of support. It means the world to me.

[Lost Rabbit]

Hang in there honey, this will all pass! Only a case of the bad wobbles which is totally understandable bearing in mind how strong you are having to be just taking H on!

Perhaps your lawyer is only voicing her hopes for the future that it is only you and H that bring out the worst in each other and that when every thing settles down and is officially set in stone it will get better! Well only time will tell on that one..

Anyway time is much better spent teaching titch to deal with his dad, I have a very overbearing father so quite early on I had to help my lad learn to stand his ground without being rude. Bullies can often be manupulated! Yes its what they do to others but funny enough they dont often see it when its done to them.

Its important that titch knows he can talk to you about anything keep that open freedom of conversation going, dont let it get to the point where he feels he cant talk to you about dad because you will go off on one or get sad! He is only small now but if he feels he can come and say "mum, dad keeps getting me to do blah and I dont want to, how can I deal with this" you are on to a winner, not only are you teaching him dad skills but he wont get into feeling how you do now because his skills of dealing with people will give him confidence!

If you need any help on this front give me a shout!

[JinBK]

The big problem here is that there are no police reports about your H's abuse. This I do not blame you for - I understand how this works. You said the police talked you out of pressing charges. They do this a lot. It pisses me off. My stepmom has worked most of her life in Family Law and with domestic violence situations, so I have a good understanding of what happens.

Anyway, if you have to give your H shared custody, I would keep a close eye on your S for bruises and listen carefully to what he says. If you can, photograph him before he goes for a visit, then after. Call the police immediately if your S says something about H hurting him or if you see any strange bruises that aren't from normal little boy things. Don't let them talk you out of pressing charges.

BUT it does sound like you are doing very well! Keep it up!

[Butterfly1]

Thank you as always LR.

Jin - what a shock - about the police not being on our side. H actually had told me that he called the police on me anumber of times so that it would help him if it came to D. I never ever thought that way. I can't believe someone would manipulate the justice system to get what they want (and then yell and scream at me for even bringing up calling the police on him when he's really bad).

I guess I regret not calling the police when he laid a hand on S. I am so dumb. I protect him and protect him and set myself up to be powerless. I need to wise up and quick! I cried all day the other day to realize that the man that I believed I loved and that loved me is so manipulative, controlling, mean, hurtful. I have just not wanted to see it. Now I do and it's a true shocker.

Yesterday was a perfect example. h wants to keep his stuff here because he "owns half the house". I told him I'd ask my lawyer. He threatened "Well I don't have to keep you on the health insurance but I do, so ... we need to have a constructive dialogue (lawyer term) ... I don't want to start a war..."

Well he had me served, thats' starting a war. Making threats is starting a war. How can I even deal with this?

By keeping my mouth shut. I kept saying I don't want to talk to him except through email, talk to my lawyer, etc and he kept trying to engage me and I bit.

Next time I need to walk out of the damn room!