I am here. Havent been posting much. Life has been too intense lately. Watching my dad drifting away daily has been really really difficult for me. So many things cross my mind, emotions come and go, acceptance, anger, loneliness, love, tenderness...
A big, tall, man has turned to an old little "kid". I can feel his feelings. I know when he is sacred, tired, grateful, upset. I kept my distances the last few weeks but the last days, it is so obvious he is leaving us, I couldnt do that anymore. I touch him and caress him, telling him I love him, not to be scared etc etc. There is one phrase I want to tell him, that he was the best dad I could have wished for, but I am afraid it will sound too much like a good bye and dont want to make him feel even worse.
My H has been home. The first weekdays since...2005 he has been with us in teh afternoons. He cooks, shops, does homework with the kids and continues to deny the facts. The fact that my dad is dying, the fact that we cant do anything, the fact that our relationship is changed forever. He suggests things, tries to support me.
Through this phase, somedays I want him close to me and others... I just want him out of my life.
I compare us to my parents, their 46 year long marriage, all what they have accomplished, the stability me and my brother had while we were growing up, the family we always felt was so strong... I get mad at him.
I wont say we are doing great although I could granted that we have no fights, H has been tender, he plans fo rthe future constantly, asks for my kisses etc etc. I believe 95% of the persons in piecing would. But I am not normal I am afraid. K
Ohh, and I had gained 2 kilos. Back to +1 kilo now but my eating habbits have been crazy lately.
((((((((Kalni)))))))) I am so sorry about your father. I can feel what you are saying, how you are feeling from here, and it literally brings tears to my eyes.
I know you don't want to say it too soon, but please, make sure you tell him that he was the best dad you could have wished for. It will mean so, so much to him. He should get to hear it.
I really does sound like I is really doing well. I understand that with everything that is going on there are going to be times when it just doesn't feel like enough, but I hope, and believe, that those times will become less intense, and farther apart. He is finally putting his actions in line with his words. He loves you, Maria.
Sending my biggest hugs all the way to Greece for you, dear lady.
You have big expectations for your R and your H. Maybe if you lowered them for a bit your H would be fulfilling them more and you would feel his support and comfort during this difficult time.
Say what you need to say to your Dad while he can appreciate it and you can talk. You won't regret it. There is a lot of love there.
I hope you can find some peace and that you can feel that love your H is sending you now.
(((((Maria)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sorry you are in such turmoil over your dad. That's such a hard thing to deal with. Tell him everything while he is still there enough to hear it. Don't miss your chance.
Glad your H is being so supportive. He really does love you. It's amazing to see his actions lining up with his words now. It's been a long hard road, but you have come so amazingly far. It's not like you can just blank out the memories, but it is so great to see him building better memories now, to see him being more involved with the family, the kids, taking time to be with all of you.
(((Maria)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yes and considering where you were, with him, where you are now is amazing. I am glad that he IS supporting you and especially that he is home in the afternoons now at this critical time, taking the pressure of you, shopping, helping with the kids. He does love you of course, but then I always thought he did! I'm sorry you cant always 'feel' it, but if you carry on as you are, who knows what great strides you may make by next year.
The fact that he wont accept things are different about you and him, your R and about your Dad especially, is just his way of dealing with it hey. Men like to keep busy and deal with it by doing practical things, so maybe his stepping up cooking and shopping etc is his way of helping, silently. I'm sorry he's not more communoicative though.
And I'm so, so sorry about your Dad K, such a terrible sad thing on your shoulders and all your family. Its such a dreadful shame theres nothing they can do for him now. I feel priveleged to have met him xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So sorry you are having to watch this happen to your dad. It's such a hard thing to watch those who took care of you and raised you to be strong and vital become weak and helpless. It's such a reversal.
Please be sure to tell him everything you feel about him. Don't wait. It's best to look back and know that you laid all of your feelings out for him to reflect on. Trust me, I've spent 22 years regretting that I never got to tell my dad how much he meant to me before he died. Make sure you have no regrets. Telling him how special he IS, not how special he WAS.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thinking of you, Special K, during this difficult time with your dad. I was there a couple of years ago & know that emotions & thoughts change on a dime right now. So tough to say what you really want to without it coming out like a farewell. Just keep doing what you're doing...honoring and loving him. Telling him that he is the best dad you could have wished for will fill his heart & mean the world to him.
<<"...somedays I want him close to me and others... I just want him out of my life."
This sounds very "normal" to me, showing his love by allowing you to be as you are right now. He's coming thru for you & showing support when you could use it the most.
