[Dug]

My wife told me she does not love me anymore and she has hired a lawyer to file for divorce on her behalf. We’ve had/have our problems, but I never believed they have been bad enough to divorce over; even now faced with it I look back on the 12 years we have been together (5 married) and I don’t see anything worth throwing 12 years away over. I also see a lot worth not throwing away our marriage over, most notably our 5 month old daughter.

We have been through this before; about two years ago we grow a little distant because of work and I was going to school at the time, this left us very little together time. We were also having finical turbulence doe to the fact that we had just bought a house and had not yet worked into the new groove of it all. At that time we separated for about two months. I followed the advice I found on this website and the books associated with it; after the two months my wife told me she missed me and wanted to work at our marriage.

Since getting back together I was under the assumption things were going well. I handed financial responsibility over to her (she was not very financially responsible at the time, which was causing part of our problem) and she took on the responsibility well. I had also become much more attentive to her needs; willing to try the new things she wanted to do and so forth. I even pushed myself to be more loving (I am not ordinarily an emotional outward individual).

We were doing well for about a little less than a year until we conceived our first child 14 months ago. A month or so after discovering she was pregnant my wife became mildly depressed over the idea of losing her youth, she wasn’t ready to be a mom. She began to go out with her younger single friends more. And more dramatic she had a short fling with a coworker who lived in another state (The child is mine just in case you’re wondering).

When I discovered the fling there was little I could do. She was pregnant with my child and I couldn’t just leave her. The idea of her sleeping with another man doesn’t bother me all that much (I guess I’m just sexually liberal like that); what bothered me most was the betrayal and the lies. It took me a little while but I came to terms with those feelings as time passed, and I would have to describe the rest of my wife’s pregnancy as a good time in our marriage.

After the baby was born my wife became depressed again due to the baby blues, and maybe even full blown post partum depression. Her doctor proscribed her medication for it but for the first few months with the baby things got a little bad again. We had a new baby and all the not sleeping and poopy dippers that go with it; and my wife wasn’t helping around the house much. I was working, she had taken off; and we would both get up for the baby. I took on a much larger role in the house hold; doing almost everything to keep things going. She would tell you now that I wasn’t there for her during her depression, and will sight “one” example where I got short with her. But if I truly wasn’t there for her things would have gone to hell, but she doesn’t see that.

After my wife returned to work her depression seemed to get better. Our problems on the other hand began to Yo-Yo, she would fight with me over something and tell me she wanted a divorce. I’d go sleep in another bed; and sometime in the night she would come to me apologize, saying she was just thinking about stupid things and that she didn’t want a divorce. Than a week later I would note that she was being cold, and then she would say it was because we need to talk about divorce again. I’d go sleep in another bed and again she would come apologies and things would be ok again.

This went on for a few weeks until she went into divorce over drive; she paid for some online divorce papers that turned out to be unacceptable. When I told her this, she agreed but the next day she ran down to the court house to get some case number she thought she needed. Turns out she couldn’t get that without the papers; so the same day she found a lawyer and hired her on the spot to draw up the papers. That’s when I left the house and move to my parents.

Over the next week we argued over the specifics of the divorce. At this point to her I was a controlling monster she needed to get away from as quick as possible. Mind you I am not a controlling person; I am 100 percent the opposite, in fact people can easily take advantage of me based on how much slack I’m willing to give them. But for some reason to her at that moment she didn’t want me to control her life anymore. She blamed me for making her live where we live; she blamed me for stopping her from doing the things she finds fun. It was as if she was blaming me for being in her life all together; that because of me she couldn’t be free and single and it was my fault she married me in the first place. To justify her thoughts she would trump out 10 or so incidents where I screwed up; out of 12 years who doesn’t make a few mistake? I was devastated to say the least; not only was the woman I love and the mother of my child telling me she didn’t love me anymore, which was bad enough, she was painting a picture where the last 12 years where total hell for her and I was the monster running it all.

After that first week we stopped arguing; there was really no point to it. We than just agreed to the how’s and what’s of the divorce. I found myself conceding to a lot of things that will make my future life difficult; I’ve been doing this because I don’t want to argue with her anymore. Not only does that not get us anywhere; if I don’t play my cards right it could mean seeing less of my child than I would like. The main thing I am concerned about is getting joint physical custody of my daughter; and my wife is willing to do that … when we are on good terms. If I make waves and argue; for example, if I say Id like this car over that car, her response would be “NO! and if you don’t like it don’t sign the papers and get a lawyer and we can fight over it” which means everything is on the table if we go that route. Now I’m sure I have a 50/50 chance of winning the custody agreement I want. I’m a decent father, in fact I’m more motherly than my wife, and I have a better support structure than my wife does; but with the way the court system discriminates against men and the higher wage earner in the family; a 50/50 chance is simply not good enough to risk it all over a car, or even who gets to live in the house. And on top of that a court battle will mean that my wife and I will hate each other when it’s all over. I don’t want that, it won’t be good for my daughter, it won’t be good for me, and it won’t be good for my wife.

Now that we have some kind of agreement (I haven’t seen the papers yet) things have mellowed out a little more, so long as I don’t confront my wife on something. She always asks me if I’m ok. If I want to come to dinner to see the baby (on the weeks I don’t have her with me). She expresses regret for making me move out of my house and for making my life difficult. And she asks me to come over to do something or another at the house. Knowing the info on this sight, I always decline and I tell her that I’m fine and that she shouldn’t worry about me. I talk to her as little as possible.

And that’s where we’re at now; I am devastated, she appears to be fine except when she calls up crying because she misses the baby when the baby is with me. She has also taken to redecorating our house; she says she’s doing it to cope with the divorce.

I don’t know why I’ve written all of this; I guess it’s because it’s helped me fight the urge to call her; so thanks for reading it.

After all this what do I do? Do I just walk away? We tried but its over?

[Coach]

Move over to Newcomers, you will get more repsonses there starting out.

Your wife doesn't repsect you and isn't attracted to you.

Review what doesn't work -


her affair not bothering you, she needs it to bother you

you doing all the housework

giving in to her attitude


being "more motherly" than your wife


You need to get back into your home, what does it mean to you legally?


You need to get the redecorating to stop, you are paying for it and she is going to get the house.

[TimeHeals]

The idea of her sleeping with another man doesn’t bother me all that much

Then why did you get married? You could have just lived together, but you got married and think it's OK to have sex with people other than your spouse?

I think what you are is woefully unprepared for marriage.

[Dug]

I’m sorry I don’t think I explained myself on that point very well. I do not think it’s ok to have sex with people other than your spouse. I would never do it myself. My point was that I was not down in the basement hanging myself every time I thought about her with another man, like I have a feeling some people would be. I have always felt, even before this episode, that in the game of life there are much more important and dramatic things to deal with than sex. That sex to me is not as important or powerful as I see it is for other people. Sex and making love to someone one are two different things; to my knowledge my wife had sex with another man; she did not make love to him. It does not make me boiling mad and jealous to know she had sex with someone else. What bothered me was that she lied to me and that she betrayed me.

Thank you for your response.

[TimeHeals]

the game of life there are much more important and dramatic things to deal with than sex.

You mean like love, respect, and affection? I would put "respect" pretty high up on this list of things you need in a healthy marriage.

How does sleeping with somebody else show respect for your spouse? How about love or affection?

You see the problem?

Go back and read Coach's post.

[Dug]

Move over to Newcomers, you will get more repsonses there starting out.

Your wife doesn't repsect you and isn't attracted to you.

Review what doesn't work -


her affair not bothering you, she needs it to bother you

you doing all the housework

giving in to her attitude


being "more motherly" than your wife


You need to get back into your home, what does it mean to you legally?


You need to get the redecorating to stop, you are paying for it and she is going to get the house.

Thank you for your response but I don’t think being belligerent will help matters. I could go back to my house but that would accomplish nothing but create tension. I could tie her to her bed and make her stop redecorating but that would be … well illegal. I could fight tooth and nail not to give her an inch in the divorce proceedings, but all that will do is tar my family apart even more and make a couple of lawyers richer off of my misfortune.

[Dug]

That I would agree with.

[Coach]

Ok, keep doing what you are doing.

I don’t see anything worth throwing 12 years away over.

I see a lot.

[TimeHeals]

Have you talked to an attorney? There could be legal ramification to you moving out (as opposed to her moving out).

I would seek legal advice before I argued with people here.

[NotFromThesePart]

Thank you for your response but I don’t think being belligerent will help matters.

Dug,

A month ago I would have agreed with you. Sex is sex. Love is "different". I hate that my wife cheated, but after all, it was just sex. I can forgive that. Right? Well, maybe. Maybe for YOU, but that does not mean she feels the same.

She WANT'S you to want her. Yes, she WANT'S you to be jealous. If she can have sex with anyone she wants to with no consequences, what else can she do? What are your boundaries? She doesn't know. Do you respect people that walk all over you? Would you expect her to?

Let me ask you a question. What if you wife brought this buy home and he gave you $50 and he “said take the kids to a movie, we should only be a couple hours”. What would your reaction be? What if it were two guys at the same time?

Yes, for some people open marriages can work. Are you one? If you are, I suggest telling her. If not, tell her that too. Setting boundaries is a way to show her you love her and yourself. That you won't put up with just anything. That you are a catch and you know it.

Do you have to be belligerent? No. But you need to show that 1) she is important to you and 2) you have your limits. Exceeding them has consequences.

Will I forgive my wife? Yes, but only if she deserves it. Even though it is “just sex” she has broken her vows. I don’t take that lightly.

I could go back to my house but that would accomplish nothing but create tension.

So what is wrong with tension? Hasn't she created tension in your live? I know you love her but she needs to see there are consequences. A little tension in her is a GOOD thing.