Moving to the next phase of what?

[cagzmom]

IMP!! HI!! Thank you for stopping by.

your post hit home -- finding the next step is where i am.. but then just trying to step and believe that is what i want to do.

i have been re"defining" myself and in that finding much of what i really DID like is being rebirthed. many new thoughts... ideas and lots of wondering.. but moving forward.

actually this am while doing my devotions i was thinking. i used to look BACK and LONG for what was. NOT just with x but with many things. Today i looked back almost more in "appreciation" and a longing for a NEW.

just so strange to be in this new place.... really didn't ever think i would be nor did i want to be. i didn't know what not being Mrs. Cagz would be like.. shoot i didn't even know who I WAS.

now - today i am learning

[forward]

Cagz, I guess we all learn and grow, too. Or should, if we want to make something positive of all this!

[cagzmom]

so true forward. we who were left are put in a position of mere survival for so long. i remember barely being able to breathe some days. the pain was so deep.

it is still there - just not near like it originally was.

[cagzmom]

had a wonderful realization.
first so very at ease... softball is over. dont have to see idiot x for any reason!!

yes that helps the heart people!! even after this much time there are days when he still grabs my heart. But these "Dark" times for me are much needed. THE BEST part is that d14 finally sees it. the last 2 times he has come to pick her up she goes to the door (which is new) answers - and says "I am almost ready.." or whatever it is that is going on.. AND THE BEST??!! HE waits OUTSIDE!!

I know it sounds so dumb but it has taken me this long to NOT want him in my home. I AM NOT reacting or being hurtful. I mean if it is cold or whatever yeah - of course. BUT I AM over being hurt. AND I am OVER him hurting my kids!! This is MY home. I bought it with my own resources - NOT HIS... AND HE is NOT a nice person right now. if he were just "anybody" I wouldn't let him in... so thats who he is "just anybody."

I am glad that d14 is ready for it. She is amazing!! She has been back in counseling since his newest stupid move. AND IT IS so so so good for her!! So thankful for the people, counselors, etc that God has put in our life.

S21 is in counseling too. He is growing and changing and becoming a pretty strong little man. Proud of him.

Then there is just me - outside of being the divorced Cagzmom. I am really ok being single. Not hiding from dating - but just really at peace tonight. It is such a great place to be.

Thankful for so much right now.

Though I did not LIKE the way my life has gone the past almost 4 years -- I must say that GOD Has been good to me throughout.

Through the horrific pain.
Through the flood gates of tears.
Through pain that cuts your soul.

Through joy that comes from within.
Through the laughter hidden in my spirit.

Through the surprise gifts from friends.
Through the home he provided.
Through the career he gave me.

Yes God has been good to me.

[Upside]

What a beautiful post. We all need to puts things in perspectives like this.

[cagzmom]

thanks upside.

it is nice when the peace floods in. truly i dont know where or why it is here but i welcome it with open arms!

i am looking now for places to "Give Back". it is time...

[cagzmom]

feelings of failure today.
liked peace so much better

[cagzmom]

trying to battle the thoughts so I went to dictionary.com

yeah that didn't work.
Failure = lack of success.

yeah that really helps.

Today thoughts looming.

What did I do wrong?
How did I not see how unhappy he was - if he was for so long?
Why has he not made any attempts to come back?
Why haven't I truly let go?
Does he EVER miss me?
How can he move on to another - move her and her son in.. never considering us again?

So much loss. So much.

I miss my family.
I try to be honest. Is it HIM I miss or the memory of family. I think it is both.

It has been almost 4 years since I have been physically intimate with anyone. Even that seems like a distant thought.

Dating - no desire - no time.

Still stuck.

Can not freakin' believe this.

I had a "Secret" convo with God the other day. Told him -- as He already knows.. I still long for the miracle but am not bound by it anymore.

[irishblessings]

Cagz -

I see a lot of similarities between our situations. I have no doubt my D will be final shortly after the first of the year. My H will not stop until he "rids" himself of the reason for all of his unhappiness.

You have 2 beautiful children - there is NO failure there.

You remained a loving, faithful wife for 20+ years.

There is VALUE there and a VALUE ADDED life = Success

Good thoughts and prayers your way!

IB

[cagzmom]

thank IB.

just another layer - more reality - and i think the holidays dont help.

so many thoughts have loomed today. stayed busy... just fighting that same battle of the mind.