I haven't posted in a long time. I also haven't gotten replies since my last post.
Anyway, I still want my W back but her position is the same. I met with her twice in the early summer to discuss some financial matters and for her to pick up some stuff. I have been dark since except for a couple of phone calls and an email.
Sometimes I feel I should give up on the M. I think about dating etc, but I guess I am not quite ready. I don't have that constant feeling of desperation anymore, but I still get moments of intense sadness. Truthfully, this DB stuff isn't showing me anything.
Both of our birthdays recently passed. My 40th came first with no contact from W since. I didn't really expect it, but it was still disappointing.
Her BD came a few days ago. I wanted to call or email, but after seeing negative reactions to my overtures for Valentine's Day and our anniversary I decided it was best not to contact her.
Does this stuff really work for more than a handfull of couples? If so, how long? I think maybe DB works better/faster for those who stay in the same area and especially those with kids. My W can't see that I'm in better shape, have cleaned up the yard, not as stressed about work, etc.
Tried to read the past comments. Just trying to throw in my two cents - for what its worth. She should know you don't want the divorce, so telling her over and over won't make a difference - she already knows. At least from what I could tell in your thread. Definitely need to show confidence. I would say to test the waters now and again - not about R. But try something other than finances. Don't go overboard and barrage her - but just a simple message after being dark a while and watch the reaction. Don't do anything with pressure on her, taliking about R, and don't make it about you. (If you make it about you then she will think you are just trying to convince her how great a guy you are and what she is missing.) If she works, maybe just ask how her job is going and leave it at that. Wait and watch.
Does DB work? Dunno, I'm still working on the process myself. But it has certainly been the best advice I've seen.
I would't necessarily think about it as whether DB 'works.' Rememeber, you can't change her, she can only change herself and that comes with time - sometimes a lot of time.
Had a phone convo the other day with W. I called her b/c she got some important mail here. She didn't pick up so I left a message about the mail. She called back a few minutes later, thanked me for letting her know. I agreed to send it to her. She asked if I was OK. "I'm OK, how are you?" I asked about her family and she asked about mine. I told her about some things going on with some family members. Then she engaged in some other small talk.
I didn't say much about myself at all and didn't ask questions about her. Most importantly, I didn't ask or talk about us.
I probably didn't handle it perfectly, but I think I did pretty well. The conversation was pleasant and light.
Wow, several months have passed since I last posted. W hasn't shown up on the doorstep with suitcase in hand yet.
I went through the holidays with no interaction with her. After the new year I sent an email just asking how she was. We have been in some contact lately because we are filing taxes jointly. We met over lunch one day, besides taxes it was pleasant conversation about family, work, etc. No R talk started by either of us. It was the first time I had seen her since early summer.
It has been a year since she left now, so she can file anytime. I would like to use this opportunity to get out of no contact and get more positive interaction without "exhibiting pursuing behavior".
The way I understand it, NC gives both parties time too cool off and calmly reflect on the relationship. It gives the WAS time to miss the LBS because the LBS isn't acting like an emotional desparate chump.
As far as the situation changing, I don't really know because it has been mostly NC for a long time. No children and different states makes for very little incidental contact.
