hey bbj. i only ask the questions.....however.....
<<However again if all cards are being placed on the table, so to speak, I recognize that there is a part of me who takes a small measure of satisfaction in him texting me, calling me, etc because it means that he still finds himself connected to me even as he is saying he has no connection>>
This is what i thought.
furthermore,
<<I just feel like ignoring him is back to game playing/plotting/strategizing, and I am just tired of all that>>
I was not suggesting you ignore him for strategical purposes but rather to relax or as the kids say to chill.
Hey BBJ continue to be open....let it all hang out.....we will all try to guide in our own ways.....than you take what you want and the rest can .... go by the wayside.
Still pulling after all these years....
Oh and i have no problem with ics or golf lessons...
Hey Bobbi.. I am with John on this one and it kinda hurts me to see you still wanting that connection in some respects, but of course you would, you're only human right and Dan does still affect you.
I would say the reason he called to chit chat that night the kids were in bed was becuase he felt guilty for the angry text tirade AT you (which is in no way connected to you). But, you knew that, right? Its a no brainer. He cant say "I'm sorry" but he shows you in little ways. Its push, pull with Dan. And the reason you werent upset and hurt that time is because you know its not about you, but the fact that he turns to you to vent his misery, shows that he's still emotionally available to you and that gives you some feeling of satisfaction.
To be honest, reading between the lines here, I kinda think you saying in your text "the kids dont like it THIS way".. implies there is another way things could be, an alternative. Or could have been. Its like, theres always that subtle reminder of what DAN did to you all. Do you see that? I think guilt generally, is literally eating him alive. Remember Michelle always said guilt is the biggest no-no, that we had to minimise guilt.
You never did really follow the DB rules though hun! If you did what everyone said and set healthy boundaries and 'moved on' (even if you were acting AS IF you had moved on) and stopped being so emotionally available, you may have been surprised at how much he began to chase. But thats in the past and yet even now, after divorce, you continue to be 100% there for him. Letting the phone go to VM when you're at work doesnt really count, cos, you're at work hey.
But its totally normal that you still have mixed feelings and as Jon says, we're all here for you and carry on being honest with us. I was always honest on my thread and got a kicking for it sometimes to boot!
One thing I will say though, which my sister advised me (who successfully Dbed and pieced but later got divorced...) its ok whilst they are still emotionally available, no matter if distant, or if they are seeing someone else. But as soon as they are no longer emotionally available and properly let go of you and you dont have access to that chink in their armour anymore.. then you will really feel it and it will be horrendous if you are not prepared for that day. I just hope you can work through your own feelings before Dan gets his sh1t together/works things out with Stephanie and this constant texting/phoning/purging himself with you stops. And unless he was going to come back to you... that will happen eventually.
And if there are still things in your heart you need to say to him, I would do it soon, before that day comes.
Hugs, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
No, there is nothing more I need to say to him....we have had plenty of conversations in the past. Anything else would just be repetition, so not going to do that!
I didn't mean that part about the kids the way you interpreted it....I just looked through the eleven texts he sent, found two kernels of truth (Dan is miserable; kids hate it when he is like that) and agreed with him: "Yep i agree, you sound miserable and the kids do hate this". He feels plenty of guilt himself he doesn't need me to generate it. And I also agree, his calling to 'chat' was most likely his way of leveling things out after being a jerk on Monday...
Just got home from a work conference, high school speech coach convention. Awesome time. Guy coach from our town went too, along with 3 other coaches from our district. We had a nice cocktail hour before the banquet, where I met a young female coach from a district in our southwest region. She asked if we wanted to go out after the banquet (she and guy coach already knew each other). So, the three of us went out after to a dive bar (we were in Ames, home to Iowa State, but avoided the college bar scene.)
It was a great time and she kept saying, "Why haven't we met before? You are awesome." Granted she was drinking quite a bit but still it appears I have a new friend, which is always a good thing. She and my guy friend coach drank a lot more than I did, so I am sure they were less than thrilled getting up for breakfast this morning! We got in at two and had to get up at seven. Another five hour sleep night. On that note, I am headed to bed for a quick nap.
Oh, and golfguy/luau guy has been texting and calling. Crappy timing, I was in his area and he had flown to Florida for the florida state football game...
