LBS Living...

[irishblessings]

I know A - I keep reminding myself that - the mind hears the heart doesn't.

I continue to be dark from h for healing purposes. Quite honestly it is still too painful for me to hear from him, let alone see him. I'm not sure if I'm avoiding him and staying stuck or if I am really trying to trust myself and give myself time to heal. I wish I had a better handle on things.

I am sorry friends - I feel as if I have been coming to this board recently and purging depression rather than productively working through things.

I have to figure myself out! Eric asks for 3 things I've always wanted to do that I could maybe do in the next 3 months...how sad is it that I draw a complete blank! Am I an empty shell of a woman? Is there no substance here? I've always thought I had substance because I LOVED being a wife and mother. I've never thought about being/doing ANYTHING else. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I can't stand these feelings!!!

[dl443322]

IB, I'm sorry if I am adding to any confusion you may be feeling.

And let me start by saying everything you are feeling isnt any different than what most of us have felt at the beginning of all this.

So first things first. I thought my h was having the time of his life. No responsibilities, none. Living the single life, traveling, being with ow. Know what? He wasnt. Know how I know? I asked him one day. I said, so, are you happy? He said, I'm not. I'm getting there. Three years later, still not happy.

Now I am not suggesting you ask your h. I was way down the road and in a much different place than you are. But I tell you this because you should not assume anything.

And you know what? It doesnt really matter if he's happy or not. What matters is if you are.

You did not cause his MLC. You did not.

I suggest to everyone that when they are looking to see what changes to themselves that they need to make, they start with looking at who they were within the marriage. It's a starting off point towards change.

And let me tell you, at the beginning of all this, I could not think of one thing I always wanted to do. Not one. But slowly, over time, I figured it out. And you will too.

Here's the key. You have to be open to it.

And the way to become open to it is to put the focus on you. You are still way too stuck on your h and if he is happy and if he forgives you.

The heck with him right now. You forgive you.

You have been given a wonderful opportunity here, IB.

This was a journey you were meant to take.

I loved being a wife and mother, too.

But I have also loved finding my way. I have gotten my Associates degree, widened my circle of friends, traveled, changed my hair, my clothes, lost weight.

But the best thing I have done is look in that mirror. And you know what? I like what I see.

I see someone who has overcome a lot of hardship. I see someone who has found her strength and her sense of humor again. I see someone who has a great capacity to love and forgive.

What do you want to see?

[rysmom]

do you think the spouse having the a is happy or miserable? I always think that my h is having a great time with ow and it bothers me. Maybe the cheaters feel guilty and are not happy.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Brooklyn - and all...
for your patience with me and your guidance! I am so blessed for having found you all! Seriously!

Tonight S is spending his first evening with H at his extended stay hotel. It really broke me. I don't know why...afraid of another loss - losing my son. Selfish...yes. Insecure...yes. Afraid of everyone else finding their way through this while I remain stuck - empty. I believe that I want what you stated above - lose weight, feel good, look good, enrich myself, enrich others.

I will find my way - I must!

[dl443322]

Sweetie, you will not lose your son. You are his mom - always and forever. And as his mom, you want him to have his father in his life.

Your son is going to be going through all sorts of emotions over time. He is going to be looking to you. If you are ok, he will be, too. Show him the way, IB.

Only you have the power to get unstuck. As much as we all want it for you, it is you who needs to do it.

What are you afraid would happen if you let your h go?

IB, love him enough to do that.

And love yourself enough to want the best for you and him.

You can change you. You have to want it.

When or if he looks towards you, show him the best IB there is.

You deserve to be happy, honey. You do.

Keep moving forward on the journey. Take one thing. Just one thing that you would like to change. Work on changing it.

Go out and buy yourself a new outfit. Go get a new hair style.

Come on. Keep going.

[Twink]

IB, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time! It will get better. I promise.

The single thing that helped me the most was learning all I could about MLC. It helped me to quit blaming myself for his crisis, forgive myself for my human failings in the M, forgive him for his hurtful behavior, accept that he would be on his long journey of self-discovery (if he was brave enough to choose that path) for some time, and move forward in the meantime on my own. It brought a profound sense of acceptance and peace. BUT it took a while. For me, about 18 months post-B. Not because I am a slow learner, because I'm not. I think it took me so long because I had been with my H for so long -- 40 years -- and I still loved him deeply. I still do, but our paths have diverged right now. Who knows where they will lead iin the future?

IB, keep reading, learning, posting. It will get better. Honest.

(((Irish)))

[courageous wife]

Hi IB

I agree with Twink...I am finally getting there and it has been 14mos post B but I AM a slow learner! H and I were only together half the amount of time as Twink and her H! It really does help to read everything that you can about MLC! It DOES get easier!

[irishblessings]

I can't tell you how much it means to me that you all have taken time to respond to me. I always felt that I was a quick learner - but MLC has put me over the edge!

I will work at this over my 4 day weekend.

[ericmsant2]

Irish,

Please stop beating yourself up AND do not put a timeline on ANYTHING. Do not set yourself up for failure. You do not know how you will feel tomorrow, let alone 4 days from now.

Just take things one minute, one day at a time. It will get better.

You are not a failure.
Not someone that cannot be love or cannot love.

Irish you have received some very good advice here. Do not give up....

ON YOURSELF.

God Bless,
Eric

[cat04]

Irish,

I am glad that you are finally starting to feel the anger.

Even if it is scary, it really is a good thing. Part of why you were/are depressed is because depression is in part, anger turned inward. So getting it out, is a good thing on many fronts.

Instead of arguing with your S, which is something that will happen once in a while because he is a teenager, try to channel that anger constructivly.

Use it to fuel you for now. To catch up on the cleaning, small house repairs that you can do (if you don't know how to do something, google it, there is tons of info out there...)

Then as you do these things and work through the anger, sometimes just working it off helps, you will find that you also gain confidence in your own abilities. Confidence in yourself.

This is NOT about us being perfect. In no way is it about that. That is something you are gonna have to find a way to let yourself off the hook about.

However, it is about being the best you can be, whatever that best is. Personally, I make awesome tasting food. Have for a long time, but it usually isn't so pretty to look at. So for me, that is something to work on down the road. For now, instead of beating myself up cuz the cake is lopsided, I focus on how it tastes.

I know is seems like a small stupid example, but that is how you have to look at this entire situation. In small and managable bites.

Focus on what you can do, what you do do well, try new small things, and go from there.

As far as your S, you are not going to lose him. He is your S and he loves you as you are. It is ok for him to be angry with your H and even with you a bit, but he will figure it out and make his own way. If he sees that this is not destroying you, it won't destroy him. What you don't want is for him to make a choice between you and his father. He needs both of you, even if his father isn't the Dad of the year right now.

Looking at your own role in the M, it is important, but it is looking at who you were, with complete honesty with yourself and seeing if there is anything you would have done differently.

And then be different in the future. Change those things now, so that when you are in a R, either with H or someone else, you have tackled those things already.

Were you quiet and didn't share your feelings?

Were you controling?

Did you accept all of the responsibility for things that happened and never ask for help from your H?

Things like that...

You are not standing still Irish. When you came here, you had a boatload of crap on your plate. Crap that is hard to deal with emotionally. More crap than most of us I think. You are beginning to work through that.

You have to be patient with yourself and let it happen. Brooklyn said, you have to be open to it. I agree with her.

Baby steps. We say look for baby steps with them, but we also have to look for baby steps with ourselves. Especially with ourselves. You will stumble and fall, and then you will get back up and start again.

It is how the process works.

I too am much further down this road than you are, but I didn't get here over night. I didn't get here easily either. It is a long hard road, but one that is well worth traveling.

You can do this.

Listen to what the others have said to you, especially Brooklyn. She knows of where she speaks.

You can do this Irish. I have believed that from your first post. You have it within you.