LBS Living...

[dl443322]

Sweetie, I know how you feel about being overwhelmed. Both my h and I are without jobs, me with a neuromuscular disease on top of it, the house is a mess, going to lose it.

It helps to not look at the big picture. Take things a little at a time.

And SA is right. Once you start getting past the anger, you will be amazed at what you can do. And you will feel good knowing that you did it.

I just want to give you a little something to think about as your son is about the age my son was when this started.

I know that you and he are close as are we. And I dont believe in hiding your feelings from your children. But, I tried really hard not to involve my son in how I was feeling regarding his father.

For two reasons. First of all, they are looking to you to feel secure. They certainly cant count on their fathers right now. You need to set the tone. And you dont want your son worrying about you. That's not his job.

The second reason is that by you telling him you feel abandoned and overwhelmed by his father's actions, you are critizing his dad. It may seem like he is in agreement with you, but, trust me, he is torn and confused.

I know that you wanted to talk about why you were upset. Maybe next time you can just apologize and say you were feeling tired and anxious without pointing any fingers.

In the long run, you want to keep their relationship as intact as you can. That's the most important thing.

So, I dont want you to feel like I am critizing you. I am not. I just want to help you avoid any problems in the future.

It's best to give your children the space to make their own decisions about what they feel.

Hang in there, sweetie.

One day at a time. One moment if you need to.

You are so much more capable then you give yourself credit for.

Take one thing that you need to address in the house and handle it.

You may want your h, but you dont need him.

Show your kids what their mom is made of. Show them how to handle life's problems. Be their beacon.

Come on, IB. Get to gettin."

[irishblessings]

I understand what you are both saying. I feel like I am "on" all the time and cannot make any mistakes. It's exhausting! Constantly trying to say the right things - do the right things. It's like I'm always trying to stay balanced - if I could just disappear for a while...come back and the nightmare be over!

[dl443322]

It gets easier, I promise.

You dont have to feel like you are "on" all the time. And you will make mistakes, believe me. And that's ok.

If you just try to remember that you are loving your h unconditionally right now. And you are loving your kids the same way.

And you dont want to dissappear and come back. You need to go through it all, step by step.

Here's the thing - you need to stop blaming yourself. You need to start believing in yourself.

You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. You did nothing with the intent to cause harm.

Look, you are a good person. And sometimes sh@t happens. It's all in how you deal with it that matters.

You have an opportunity here you would not have gotten had all this not happened. Seize it!

Be the person you were meant to be. Change the things that need changing. Live your life! Enjoy your children. Figure out how to be the best you you can be.

Now what are you going to do differently tomorrow, IB?
Because if you dont change your mindset, you are going to be feeling this way for a long time.

I know this is hard. I do. But I also know that you have it in you to get through this and come out the other side.

Your choice. Get going.

[irishblessings]

What to do differently tomorrow? I get up and try to be the best person I can / try not to let anyone down / try to be worthy - of value. And I feel like I'm standing still and everyone else is living a life around me. I don't know what or how I'm supposed to feel - act. I just try to act like I can make it.

I want what I can't have. I need to want something else...I just don't know what.

Thanks for pushing me to be better...I need it!

[PEI]

try not to let anyone down

Irish ... <PEI tapping on computer monitor to get her attention> ... c'mon girl ... I know that this stuff isn't going in one ear and out the other ... or is it?

I just try to act like I can make it.

LIKE you can make it?

Girlfriend ... of course you can make it. Whatever it is. Life will be different, no doubt about it. But NOT making it is not an option for me, and it shouldn't be for you either. It's hard Irish, really hard somedays ... and then, somedays, it's not hard at all.

Listen to my very wise friend B-lady ... she is da bomb! And she is also the most gracious, loving, compassionate soul I've ever had the pleasure of (cyber)meeting. But you know what she's not? She's not feeling sorry for herself (most of the time) ... she's not giving her H, her sitch, her financial (etc) realities, any power over her happiness.

DO FOR YOU.

Peace
PEI

[ericmsant2]

Irish,

I feel like I am "on" all the time and cannot make any mistakes

You feel this way because you are fighting the changes that must take place in YOU. I did the same. As many have told you this stuff is really really hard. The hardest part Irish is getting to the place where YOU really UNDERSTAND that you must DROP the rope. Does this mean that you are resigning yourself to a D. NO – not in the least bit. It is the acceptance that NOTHING YOU do will “snap” HIM out of HIS MLC.

Irish, it took me a very looooonggg time to get to this place. Very long….IMO, you cannot force it. It will just happen.

So what do you probably need for it to happen?

FORGIVENESS – not forgiving HIM. NO FORGIVING YOURSELF.

We have all made mistakes Irish. Every single person on these boards (even if they don’t admit it). AND we will continue to make mistakes because we are HUMAN.

You are still trying to change for HIM.

When you finally let him go…the changes for YOU will really begin to take form.

When you let him go…you will find what you are searching for..

You will find that deep inside YOU is a VERY strong woman.

A woman strong enough to deal with this.

A woman strong enough to handle the pain.

A woman strong enough to look in the mirror and ACCEPT her role in this!

A woman strong enough to change the things that she does not like about herself AND….

A woman strong enough to NOT carry the burden of all of this on HER shoulder…WHY

Because YOU Irish DID not cause your H’s MLC.

BUT

Your strong enough to wait it out…to outlast it…

Constantly trying to say the right things - do the right things.

Stop “trying”….just be YOU for now. Allow yourself some time to reflect on what YOU have learned so far and then slowly begin to live those changes

It's like I'm always trying to stay balanced

Balance is important for us the LBS’s.

I have had to learn that the balance of…

GAL’ing
Detaching – I had to learn that detaching does not mean YOU fall out of LOVE. On the contrary, detaching allows you to love in a much more mature and healthy way.
Grieving – In order to heal and ultimately reconcile if that is God’s will (and I believe it is), you must go thru a certain amount of grief. It hurts, it sucks, BUT it is needed. The balance comes from recognizing when your grief has turned into depression. So Irish, it is okay to have some chitty days. It is okay to want to spend a day in bed crying. What is not okay….is staying there. Sorry girly…I’m not letting you stay there.

if I could just disappear for a while..

I can this a vacation. AND FTR, a vacation could be many things…a trip to a beach…a day of rest…AND the most important one…a day of giving YOUR mind a break. Read the Divorce Remedy and pay close attention to the section on THOUGHT STOPPING.

What to do differently tomorrow?

Tomorrow you take a STAND for Irish. Tomorrow you say to yourself that TODAY IS NOT THE DAY I QUIT and TODAY IS THE DAY THAT I LIVE FOR IRISH!

I get up and try to be the best person I can

What is the best person you can be? What does it look like? What is important to YOU? Don’t try to be perfect. Don’t fall into that trap. I did and all it did was hurt me. It was an expectation I had of myself that really I could not live up to. No one is perfect. The only ones that think and act as if they are…are….codependents. I was one. Once again, it is a behavior that CAN change.

try not to let anyone down

How about you not let YOURSELF down. Trying to satisfy everyone is a receipt for disaster. Just live for you Irish. Live to CONTINUE (note I did not say start) to be the mom and woman that you are. Loving, caring, kind, compassionate. Whoever cannot accept YOU for YOU…well screw them!

try to be worthy - of value.

YOU ARE WORTHY – JUST the way YOU ARE! Period – no if and or buts about it!

And I feel like I'm standing still and everyone else is living a life around me.

You don’t have to stand STILL, that is… Irish, do me a favor please send me a list of JUST 3 things that you always wanted to do and would like to do say…in the next 3 months. Here is where you should be expanding your energy.

I don't know what or how I'm supposed to feel - act.

Your suppose to feel EXACTLY how YOU feel. The bigger realization that must take place and another one of these things that is hard to accept/embrace is that feelings are just that feelings. They come, they go, they change. Why do you think we all keep telling you to GAL? When you do things that YOU like to do..your feelings will change.

I just try to act like I can make it.

Some will tell you to fact it until you make it BUT I like what PEI posted, “Not making it” should NOT be an option. You need some motivation…look at YOUR kids. You will make it Irish. I have no doubt.

I want what I can't have.

Do you mean that YOU want what YOU want NOW? You see, as God tells us….everything in HIS time NOT OURS. A hard concept to grasp especially if you are impatient. Patience Irish is something that EVERYONE needs to learn. Have ya ever heard of the old saying…”good things come to those that WAIT”?

Now, what YOU can have is even more beautiful…more fulfilling and that is Irish…you can have a new Irish and in time (GOD’s of course) a new M! BUT first the old one must die and must be grieved. In that death, old habits will be shed and new ones will be formed. Then Irish…then….is when you realize what I can see in you…and that is….

YOUR SPECIAL – JUST BECAUSE YOU are YOU!

God Bless,
Eric

[dl443322]

Hey Pei, thanks for the kind words. But, oops, I guess I have to keep the feeling sorry for myself in check.

IB, when this all first happened, I blamed myself completely. I wasnt good enough, I wasnt strong enough, smart enough. I was depressed during the marriage, I didnt do enough.

But slowly, I realized two things. Anything I did or didnt do was not done intentionally. I was living my life the best way I knew how at the time.

When I started getting into that mindset, I realized that I needed to forgive myself. And I did. Really and truly.

I knew that I was always a good person. I tried my best. I was a good wife. And that was why I could forgive myself.

But I also realized that there were things about me that needed changing. I looked back at my marriage and saw how I could have done things differently. I realized things about myself that I wanted to change.

So, forgive yourself, IB. You did your best at the time. Now you know better.

It is when we forgive ourselves, that we begin to be able to change and grow.

Because holding onto all that guilt really doesnt get you anywhere. It doesnt change the situation. It doesnt change you. It just weighs you down.

I know it's hard to do that. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself. A really long time.

I dont want to see you do that, too.

So, say to yourself, I am a good person. I might have made mistakes but never knowingly and never with the intent to hurt my h or my marriage and I forgive myself.

Resolve for today that you love your h and yourself unconditionally.

Resolve for today that you will begin to figure out who IB is. She is not just a mother, not just a wife, not just an employee, not just a friend.

You are a strong, loyal, loving person, IB. Believe it.

Then, try to figure out how to be the best IB you can be.

Take this one step at a time.

[PEI]

Hey Pei, thanks for the kind words. But, oops, I guess I have to keep the feeling sorry for myself in check.

Don't we all B, don't we all ... it's part of the process, and YOU never get stuck there ...

Irish,

So much wisdom in B's post sweetie. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. It just keeps on giving.

Peace
PEI

[irishblessings]

Rationally I know everything that is being said is true. I really do. Emotionally though - it is still so painful right now I feel hopeless. I don't want my emotions to rule but I feel like I have suppressed this hurt and anguish for so long that if I don't get it out I won't be able to create a new life. The layers of humiliation, hurt, anguish, sadness are nauseating me! I feel like everyone is moving on and happy but me and I am scared. Scared that there is really something wrong with me. Scared that I am really the one who is f*cked in the head.

I keep hearing "don't blame yourself, it's him not you" - then I hear "take a good look in the mirror - see what your contributions were to the failed marriage" I am so confused! I have tried to admit my failings, ask for forgiveness - he can't and won't forgive me. Were my "sins" so much more unforgivable? Then I hear "he's sick, he's impaired, he's MLC, he's this/that" - all I know right now is he is HAPPY WITHOUT ME! And it kills me. What don't I get here? My SIL emailed me today and said that she had talked to H and hoped that I could "cope with the decision he has made and go further with your lives in a way that is good for you both and the kids"

To cope would mean I would have to understand why he feels the way he does - why he has done the things he has done. God I don't want to feel this hurt anymore!

[Albuquerque]

all I know right now is he is HAPPY WITHOUT ME! And it kills me. What don't I get here?

What you don't get is that you are DEAD wrong. He is NOT happy right now. He is miserable. He only APPEARS happy. I thought my H was happy sometimes. I had to remind myself it was probably a facade. I'm learning that it was.

Admit your failings to YOURSELF and work on them for YOURSELF. You are not looking for forgiveness here from anyone. You are looking for the freedom to be the best IB you can be.

You cannot understand his feelings right now because I guarantee you he doesn't either. You can't understand madness. You CAN'T understand insanity. Don't go there.

(((IB)))