She is going to Co and says she loves me but she also messed up. Even asked me why I would want her in my life?
" I no longer do. Yes, you messed up. I don't go back with women who cheat on me. I am not mad, but I am done."
You then MAKE her chase you and go through a crisis...
If she is truly sorry, she will do whatever it takes.
I am surprised after having gone through this years ago that you are going to tolerate it yet again.... Get tough. It will do you well. You know deep down inside. You are making excuses for her by allowing her to use the "I was drunk" excuse...
If that is true, then she should also be ok with you going out with some playboy bunny types for a few months and getting drunk and screwing them. Telling her that youn need to find yourself.. that you DO love her but you need a few months to find out who you are and that you will still date her along with the bunnies......
Should be ok with her right? Go ahead and do it and see how SHE reacts to those things from you. If she buys it she is as silly and naive as you are being.
“As for the child-free thing--You have children. She knows that and that isn't optional.” Soleil, they did have a good thing going when they didn’t live together. Perhaps the woman thought she could handle but can’t. The way the marriage moves forward is for Rondo and his wife to decide.
“Lay it out and let her know what her options are. (I am willing to... the conditions are...)” Actually, she has already told Rondo she needs to sort thing out. This is not a time for conditions. Again, Rondo and his wife will have to proceed in a direction they deem best.
Gucci loafer, have you ever read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”? If not, do so immediately. What you said to Rondo was uncalled for and shows you have no idea what his story is. I, on the other hand, do know Rondo. He is a good man and he isn’t willing to throw this marriage out the door without exploring the possibilities. After all, the name of the board is called Divorce Busting!!!
BTW, I always hated the phrase cake eating. It is an easy way to throw the blame on someone else.
When a woman really loves you they don't tell you they need time, don't tell you they want to live seperately, don't tell you they want to explore their feelings. Etc. etc. etc... I know you should know better after all this time.. All that is woman "code" for I want to keep you in the wings while I pursue someone else that I am not sure wants me.
I don't know what it is for so many men on this site to fail to be able to say to a wayward woman who has had sex with another man.... "UNACCEPTABLE... That is unacceptable to me. If you want to live alone, fine by me, but you can NOT have me too. That isn't what I am looking for".
I usually agree with everything you say, Gucci, but I am gonna disagree with this one just based on situations.
Me and my wife had a very nasty 7 month separation and just recently (month or so ago) decided to try to work things out.
Key word being "try" because at this point I know personally I am not completely 100% sure we can, and I'm sure she isnt either.
We both have leases on apartments that run out in another 4 months, and while we have had discussions about living together again when our leases are up, we think its best right now if we don't just move back on together prematurely.
To be honest, I have never lived alone in my life before, and I am currently enjoying the freedom.
I can play video games in my underwear and eat cereal at midnight.
I will have the rest of my life to be told NOT to do that, so while I can, I am enjoying it.
Honestly... Don't you think its a bit risky for a LBS to just let a WAW move back in immediately, before it is even clear that the WAW is sincere?
I guess thats my main thing here... Until I am convinced that her and I can work this out, I don't really want the stress of having her move back in, and unfortunately, the possibility of dealing with her moving out... Again.
I look at living together again as a step in the process... And I don't think it should be one of the first steps. Far from it, actually.
Gucci, Can I do that now? If I blow her off now she will just say that I am flip-floppy and she hated that when I did it. You know hot and cold. For the last week we have been talking about how we got here and how to fix it.
Can I just say right now, hey you cheated on me and now you need to figure it out and call him?
Can I do that now? If I blow her off now she will just say that I am flip-floppy and she hated that when I did it. You know hot and cold. For the last week we have been talking about how we got here and how to fix it.
Can I just say right now, hey you cheated on me and now you need to figure it out and call him?
Rondo,
I do WANT you to know that I am on here to HELP you to win her back. I have been doing this for quite some time now and my experience and observations have shown that taking the route you seem to be on doesn't work well. Twenty some years and many threads later haven't changed my stance. I remember you from years ago. I remember IMP. Neither of you got your wife back. That means what you did was not successful with reconcilitation. So you want to try the same thing AGAIN? I call that silly. Don't you? So I don't take much stock in IMP trying to preach to me about what I should and shouldn't say or do. I am still here and he has come and gone.
Quote:
Can I do that now? If I blow her off now she will just say that I am flip-floppy and she hated that when I did it. You know hot and cold. For the last week we have been talking about how we got here and how to fix it.
Can I just say right now, hey you cheated on me and now you need to figure it out and call him?
Your answer...
"Yes, I guess I am flip flopping again. However, I HAVE DECIDED that I will NOT be with a woman who can't be faithful to me. I can't believ I was even thinking about it for a moment,but I now know that is NOT what I want. So, yes I am flip flopping. Good for you that you won't have me around anymore to flip flop on issues. It certainlhy will not be on this one again. I want some time to think and agree that we should stay separated. I am not sure how I feel about you anymore right now anyway."
I have found that approach to work much better to win them back. Women respond better to a tough approach when they have been unfaithful. They don't respect you if you can't stand tough. They try to blame you for the affair. Don't allow it. You have to wait for THEM to do whatever it takes to win YOU back before you can tell her all the mistakes you know you made.
As for your post, it sure didn't sound like you were interested in saving a relationship!
Most men who have the least success with reconciling say those things when I recommend something. I find it interesting that you would say I said something uncalled for, and yet you don't take the same strong stance on a woman who cheats on a man and say to him that what she did was uncalled for AND UNACCEPTABLE....
The men I have observed over many years that have the best chance of reconciling are the ones who took the "I don't need this and am walking the other way" approach... I have seen it time after time after time, that the woman who cheats ends up chasing the BS if he tells her he wants nothing to do with an unfaithful woman.
Have you seen something differently than that? If so, can you point me to all the success stories of the men who took the I will hang in there whiile you decide approach?
Go read Puppy Dog Tails.. (Chocolateyes)..
For around THREE years he was on her haning in there hoping the old I will just keep on loving you approach would bring her around...
It was ONLY when he told her he was done and wanted a divorce and started seeing other women that she wanted him back. He then REJECTED her for awhile. She then begged, pleaded and cried and chased him until he was convinced it would NEVER happen again and that she had learned HER lesson. The whole time it was about HER. She kept allowing him to think it was HIS fault and about him. That is typical of a cheating wife. Don't allow it.
His experience is common in the men I have observed over the years as well as my own personal experience with women. The man who CAN walk away, is the one the woman longs for. The man who hangs in there rarely gets back her respect. She secretly doesn't respect herself, so subconscously doesn't respect him. She thinks, "If I don't even love myself, there HAS to be something wrong with HIM if HE loves me and I don't love or respect myself. She deflects her guilt on him if he hangs in there. That giver her the perfect excuse to keep from looking and herself. Once he lets to, she can no longer blame him for her problems.. Shazam.. She then wakes up and wants him..
Hey Gucci, ok I kind of agree with you but my 1st marriage bombed because I freaked out. I could not DB, I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, kicked the crap out of the guy! I was doomed. With this woman I did DB 9 years ago. She was involved with someone else. Told her to move on. We got divoreced. she was back on my doorstep 6 months later. When her mom died and we lived together, she went off the deepend, (we were remarried), I had to baker act her and finally asked her to move out which she did. after she calmed and grieved we stared seeing each other again. She was happy I stuck by her.
Come to now she is in crisis again. Changed her and my life overnite a month and a half ago. But she suggested Co and knows she is menatlly not right. Knows she F-ed up. Wants to find out why?
She has been telling me her where abouts and trying to tell me how she feels and why. Knows she disconneted from me and her life and wants to know why. Wants our communication to improve again. 4 weeks ago I would have agreed with you that I should have done that right away. Things have prgressed here and I see some good coming from it. The Co is going to address her fidelity Tuesday. should be fun as I see him Thurs.
