IT's what I struggle with Jin. For one, my son is small and I want him in his home, not carted around. I do not wnat him having overnights at his dads although I have negotiated one night per week with his dad. I'm going back to court to fight for sole custody with father's visitations supervised.
A lot of people dont understand me on this. My WH is verbally and emotionally abusive. A couple times last year, I caught him being physically abusive to my son (grabbing him, pinning him down out of anger, refusing to acknowledge sons' tears and screams of pain - but this scared me into thinking it may grow worse with time) I started supervising all his visitations at my house. Then we were in MC for a few months and he appeared to be working on his anger issues, so I felt safe leaving for a few hours to protect myself as long as son was at home.
After a year of the abuse, I cant take it I suffer great anxiety and depression over this. I'm getting help and I am keeping my NC as much as possible. But always protecting my son and supervising my H's visits has been my first priority.
If I can convince the judge to only allow for supervised visitation, or at least for S to live FT with me, then I'll be able to leave during his visitation and protect myself.
My state wants 50/50 physical joint custody so this is going to be a hard fight. I'm doing it anyway because I feel so strongly the need to protect my son, whether I can prove this need to a judge or not.
H4L just saw your lovely post on my thread so Ive copied my reply on here so you dont miss it!
Wow H4L I never thought of it as being anything but a pleasure x
Having learnt not to be queen of the panic button it only seemed fair to pass the secrets on, and being able to share with you helped me to realise how much I had managed to change and what good things had come out of the changes..
You have come so far yourself and its been a privelege to watch you grow into the woman that you should be! None of us could ever have realised how manipulative your H was going to be but at least you have the peace of knowing you tried, you grew and now you are moving on.. So so proud of you hun xx
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
thx rabbit - i cant thank you enough. you really got me through the worse of it. I iwll never ever forget that and consider you a friend for life!!!
so I got served - not with divorce papers. With a "motion to modify custody" - which by the way was what I have been drafting with my lawyer to serve him with!! H just got ahead of me by a couple days.
In our legal separation agreement, basically we have a 50/50 physical custody agreement, but H has never followed it. It's been more like 90/10. So I'm fighting not only to "keep the status quo" but actually full custody.
Trying to look at the bright side, he was going to have to respond to my motion anyhow, now his cards are on the table and I know what I am dealing with, what to bring up, etc.
Honestly, what was holding me back was I didn't want to "pull the trigger". Honestly, I did not want to put into legal writing all our dirty laundry. AFter all the emotional abuse, I was still terrified of him, what he would say about me, of the court not taking me seriously. And, I did not want to do that to him. I did not want to be an a$$ to him. I felt/feel sorry for him. It's too bad. In a way, I was doddling because I just felt awful being the one to start the fight.
So he started it, I can't let my fears stall me. Got me jumpstarted. No more guilt, finally, all the statements of why I want full custody are flowing out of me - all the memories of his humiliation, manipulation, lies, insults, etc. I can finally write them out.
I have thought of you often, and all the love and support you gave me. I appreciate you finding me and checking in. I'll have to catch up on your thread. I'll never forget all the support and inspiration you gave me - and still do!
I am strong, for once I did not flip out. I calmed down and wrote most of my rebuttle in 24 hrs. It was all in me, just needed to come out. His declaration was very tough to read, but I had my parents there with me...it was full of lies and accusations. Cruel in fact. But why do I continue to be surprised? Still recovering from how manipulated and led on I was, now more lies. But I handled! I stayed calm and took action. When I saw him today I was calm as a cucumber and acted like nothing happened. IT was SURREAL.
I'll drop it at the lawyer's tomorrow and get advice. I feel a strange blend of my usual panic and dread with intermittent moments of relief - like there may actually be light at the end of the tunnel!
That must have been so hard kiddo but you dealt with it! Im so proud of you a year ago this would have kicked you to the kerb, instead you have come out wanting to kick him instead.
Ok so he beat you to it, but it will only go to show what a sleaseball he planned on being all along, so more power to your elbow!
Hang in there this isnt going to be pleasant perhaps you need to post to Mindful she will give you tips on feeling the fear and doing it anyway!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Rabbit is right (as usual... lol). How you are handling this is a sign of how far you have come.
What I discovered is that as you take each next step... as you face each fear and overcome it... you find out not only how strong you are, but that what you feared isn't as bad as you thought.
Keep being tough. With abusers, get it ALL on paper! It's not dirty laundry, he's been breaking the law by abusing you and your S. Stay strong and don't let him do this to you or your S!
But it sounds like you're doing good! Keep it up!
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
