Item #2 of your list is what has really changed me the most. I was always backing off of things and trying not to hurt her feelings and telling myself it wasn't a big deal. Obviously, it is a very big deal. We have to give respect to get it and also demand respect.
Backing off to diffuse does not work.
Validate her feelings not hurt them, but follow up the way she will realize that it was CB from her part.
That's the point I was trying to make. I realize this, now. I no longer back off, I stand up to her behavior. It's a big part of what got me here in the first place.
You're right; I have to earn her respect. I am trying to do this by validating and not putting up with her CB. Demand is not the right word.
"Fine, I tried looking at it from your point of view, but you still don't care. I don't know why I even try. You obviously aren't being rational right now. We'll finish this later."
You can't look at it from her point of view, nor can she look at it from yours.
So what would you do?
If you do it successfully, there won't be a need to "finish it later".
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
I have to accept her feelings as they are at the moment. I can't ever get defensive. I have to remain calm and confident even in the face of what seems to be the certain end of our M. This has been going on for over a year. I have a lot of catching up to do. I am finally starting to understand why things work and why they don't. It does take a lot of self discipline.
Yes you do. The end of your M as you know it is inevidable. You don't want it like that anyway, do you?
Keep doing what works. Don't worry about how long it's been.
I have to earn her respect. I am trying to do this by validating and not putting up with her CB.
The trick that works for me every time is to end your statement with a question and it is always something YOU would do, not her.
"I agree with how you feel about this. How can I make you feel different?"
"I am sorry you feel this way about me. What can I do change that?"
"I can see why you don't like to do this. What can I do to help?"
Most often than not, the question remains unanswered, because it requires a thoughtful and rational response which is impossible while they are irrational and angry.
It sinks deep. They will catch themselves about to look foolish. Next time they will remember.
Most often than not, the question remains unanswered, because it requires a thoughtful and rational response which is impossible while they are irrational and angry.
It sinks deep. They will catch themselves about to look foolish. Next time they will remember.
Checkmate.
Thanks for the tips.
I find myself being disappointed with myself for not catching on quicker. (Allow myself to introduce myself ) I was too caught up in my own hurt and pity to see what I needed to do. A year ago, I felt like I was running out of time. Sometimes I still do. But she hasn't left. If it's strictly because she can't afford it or not, I don't know. I have some time left to continue the hard work.
I have ended my statements with a question at times, only I would get upset when she came back with an answer that I didn't want or with no answer at all. I see that's not the way to look at it.
W had school board meeting last night. Got home @ 9:00. She has not stayed out late the last three or four months. That's a good thing. Still very moody and didn't talk when she got home. I was/am sick, so I slept in the recliner so I could breathe. More of the same this morning. Her complaining that the wash wasn't done and there were no clean dishes, being snippy with the kids. I did wash all weekend and dishes. I ran the dishwasher last night but left a few big things on the counter. Wasn't expecting her to leave and had about an hour and a half to give four kids a little of my time and get them ready for bed. I maybe should have said something, but just gave the kids a hug, told them to help mom and get ready for school and I took a long hot shower. I had a low fever but think it's just a bad cold. Still feel like crap. Oh, well.
So, in the last three days W has seen the kids a total of about 3 hours. Her problem, not mine.
Twins have their first BBall game tonight. They are very excited. Can't wait to go cheer them on!
BB game didn't go the way the boys had hoped. We got beat 32-9. On the upside, our boys scored 8 of the 9 points. You should see their faces light up when they score, it's great. They each had several steals and were just as proud of those and of their rebounds. I'm trying to tell them how important defense is and to take that as serious as trying to score. They are getting the hang of it.
Sat by W and D7 and S3. We talked and cheered the team on. We went home and ate, I got the little ones showered, helped with homework and we put them to bed. I went to bed soon after. Still sick and was completely worn out. W watched TV and came to bed sometime early this morning. I have to admit, I had gotten used to sleeping alone and it was kind of nice not having her in bed with me. I sure would like a sandwich, but that ain't happening any time soon.
This morning was pretty calm and W was pretty calm. She had Wed. off each week and said she was going shopping and asked if I needed anything. I gave her my requests and left to take S4 to pre-K.
IDK, I have a feeling she may have went to her L today. That's fine if she did. I'm mind reading, but not dwelling on it or worrying about it. I'm the one who told her she needed a L and for her to go get one.
So, a good night. No CB from her, a little bit of niceness and no drama. Let's see if we can string together several night of that!
I have never seen chasing and hanging in there with women work very well. I HAVE seen the tough approach work to perfection. However, it isn't for the faint of heart.
It is up to you to get to the peaceful place of...
"I really don't want or need this drama"
Once you do you will never og back to the place you seem to keep coming back to when a woman gets flakey on you.
Time to stop blaming yourself and time to start blaming her.
Find peace. you really don't need this drama. Once you prove that to her and let her really really wonder if she can NOT get you back.. is when she will stop it for good. I think she is addicted to drama and now needs some to escape her boredom of everyday life. She then got you to believe it is YOUR fault.. Expert job by her of getting you to fall for it.
I know in my heart that you are right on this one. One size doesn't fit all but I have been here long enough to know this is one thing I haven't done. I get close, at times, then get scared. I keep telling myself it's because of the kids. I HAVE to be able to tell them I didn't leave them. That's just where I am right now. I have a limit. Things have gotten better. They are no where near good.
Things have gotten better. They are no where near good.
Because you have changed. Eventually it takes two to tango.
Quote:
I have a limit.
To quote Dirty Harry, "A man needs to know his limitations."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
) I was too caught up in my own hurt and pity to see what I needed to do. A year ago, I felt like I was running out of time. Sometimes I still do. But she hasn't left. If it's strictly because she can't afford it or not, I don't know. I have some time left to continue the hard work.