The problem is my W gets her feelings hurt if I display anger or frustration, so I hold back emotion.
I think that's a cycle a lot of folks get stuck in CL.
I was the same way as your W. I'd be out of my mind waiting for my H to express his emotions - anger, frustration... anything! But when he did, I didn't know how to handle it. So I'd get hurt and defensive, thinking that he was blaming me (granted, sometimes he did; but sometimes he didn't), or that I was at fault for his upset feelings or something. As a result, he'd go and bottle up his emotions even more. Which would then make me even more incapable of learning how to handle him expressing emotions because he'd resist share them with me because of my reaction. It's a - what do they call it - a feedback loop or something?
So maybe it's not that your W doesn't want you to show your emotions; it's that she just doesn't know how to handle it when you do. IDK - just a theory - what do you think - does it seem to fit for you?
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 10/09/1004:05 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PS - Have you ever read any of Harriet Lerner's work? She talks a lot about these cycles in relationships. My favorite one of hers was 'The Dance of Intimacy'. Others of hers are 'The Dance of Anger' and 'The Dance of Connection'. I've read them all, and they're all excellent.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So maybe it's not that your W doesn't want you to show your emotions; it's that she just doesn't know how to handle it when you do. IDK - just a theory - what do you think - does it seem to fit for you?
Yes. I think both my W and I need to get better at self-expression, and managing conflict.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I went to the dance venue that I went alone to back in my GAL days of last year. I made sure I had a partner mindset, with her enjoyment being of high priority. It went better than expected. In the past I would hear complaints that I was having too much fun with the other ladies. I didn't hear that last night. I still got to dance with many of my former dance lady friends. My agenda is to practice ballroom with ladies in addition to my W. I made sure to introduce her to people she didn't know (some of her dance partners were there). She said that she wants to go back on a regular basis. My dancing has suffered from not going to this venue, so I'm thrilled to be back. I was getting bored going primarily to latin venues.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W seems to be struggling with some depression and anxiety. She's having sleeping problems--no consistent schedule, falls asleep early in the morning. She spends a lot of time in front of the computer. She did do a lot of research and planning putting our two trips together. She will occassionally get a burst of energy and do housecleaning, otherwise it's done weekly with her mother. She only works one day per week, and has been unemployed for three months. She sees her psychiatrist 1-2X per month. She talks about joining a job-hunting group, but hasn't taken the first step.
She will accompany me to dance classes and venues, exercise classes, walking the dog and restaurants. Last night at our dance venue, she told me that two of her partners asked her if she was OK, as her energy level seemed atypical. She has a hiking trip planned with a friend for next month. She also had discontinued her Vitamin D, and had that recently refilled.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The inability to sleep is a symptom of menopause. Even if she is not already in menopause, then she is peri-menopausal. it will get worse when she fully reaches menopause. The best thing is lots of exercise during the day to be physically tired.
I didn't know that. She is under the care of a gynecologist and psychiatrist. I try to keep her physically and socially active in the evenings and weekends.
I noticed a smoking cessation class being offered at our fitness center. It is lead by a lung specialist. My intent was to let her know about it. Joining is her decision. She seemed interested when I showed her, so I'll probably remind her one more time as the start date gets closer, and then will leave it at that.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
