LBS Living...

[punkin]

Oh Irish,

If I had a nickel for everytime I've asked myself those same questions, I could buy Donald Trump a better toupee'. We all lose our focus at one time or another. I do it a lot, but keep it hidden under an air of invincibiity, except on these boards.

We've spent so much of our lives taking care of our H's, that any dissatisfaction/unhappiness on their part seems a reflextion on us. And that's just BS. Throwing their guilt off on us is just part of their pattern.

I know this is not part of DB'ng, but get out your needlework and embroider yourself a little wall art. "Living well is the best revenge" I have one that says "I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than with someone who makes me feel less than special."

He will notice you are moving along toward the future resolutely and with confidence. By that time, though, you may not GAD.

(HUGS)

[irishblessings]

Punkin -

Thanks...I do believe that living well is the best revenge - my middle D texted me last night and said "I miss our family so much - I just don't know what can replace that." It breaks my heart because I know all 3 kids feel the same way.

I was re-reading "Hope for the Separated - Healing Wounded Marriages" by Gary Chapman. He says that marriages separate from one of three sources:
1. lack of an intimate relationship with God
2. lack of an intimate relationship with your mate
3. lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of yourself

He says the first and last can be handled on your own - the second requires involvement of your spouse. MLC - in my book - throws all 3 of these things out the window. I don't even feel as if I'm dealing with anything normal.

I found a new site called "Midlife Maze" - it reaffirmed all that we already know - but it certainly is not very hopeful.

A marriage crisis at midlife can have numerous causes, here are five common signs that it’s a Midlife Marriage Crisis.

1.The Announcement

He may be quiet, moody or withdrawn for some time and then one day come out and tell you that he loves you, but is no longer in love with you. He may say he doesn’t want to hurt you. He may say tell you that it is him and not you, or may say he has felt this way for a long time or even that he NEVER really loved you. Whichever way he puts it, he is questioning what the marriage means to him and why he is in it.

He is absolutely right on one thing – it IS him and it is NOT you. In a Midlife Crisis a man knows instinctively that something is terribly wrong, he feels lost, he feels a hole inside himself. He does not know though, WHAT is wrong and so he starts looking around for what the cause might be. It really is nothing to do with you personally and you will fare better if you can remember that.

He knows that life the way it is isn’t working for him, so he starts to believe that he must change things in order to be happy. He doesn’t see that its not the outer circumstances that need to change, but inner work that needs to be done. So if he’s looking for circumstances he might change and searching for an outer cause to his unhappiness, then there is a simple equation he sees:

If Life + Wife = Unhappy Then perhaps Life – Wife = Happy

It’s not the sturdiest logic in the world, but we are talking about a man who is so desperate to ease his pain that he will take whatever he can come up with!

2.Avoiding or Refusing Responsibilities

He may begin to resent his responsibilities or he may simply want to escape from them. He may begin to avoid the responsibilities that go with being a husband, a father, a businessman or employee. He may decide he wants to escape the life he has created altogether, or he may throw financial responsibility out of the window as he finds it too restrictive.

Men In a Midlife Crisis are reacting against the life they have created. They find themselves lost and hurting and so they look at all the aspects of their lives that might be causing this pain. Married men do carry a lot of responsibility and it is conditioned and ingrained into them that this is what they must do.

Part of a Midlife Crisis is the realization of his own mortality, he has a finite amount of time left and he is no longer sure he wants to spend it shouldering responsibilities he's not sure he even values. Many feel that they have done all that is expected of them and yet still they find themselves so miserable. So why continue to shoulder the responsibilities when time is running out anyway?

If he understood this at a conscious level and could express it, you might be better able to at least understand, unfortunately however all the wife usually sees is a man who just doesn’t care anymore. If he feels he can’t or doesn’t want to live up to the responsibilities of the life you have created between you, then you will be heading into a Midlife Marriage Crisis.

3.Blaming you

Blame can be a huge factor in a Midlife Marriage Crisis.

A man in Midlife Crisis really doesn’t know what is causing his pain and dissatisfaction. He is in Crisis rather than ‘Transition’ because he is unwilling or unable to do the inner work and introspection required to evaluate his life so far and make adjustments in order to move forward into the second half of his life.

Since he won’t look inwards to find the cause, he has to look outwards and the first thing he sees is….. YOU! Therefore, the thinking can go, this is all your fault.

Once he has grasped this as a possible explanation for why he feels so bad, he may almost feel relieved that he has identified the cause. He may then begin to amass ‘evidence’ in order to support his theory. You may hear phrase such as

“ You always……” or “You never…..”

as he generalizes your behavior in order to justify to himself that you are in fact to blame.
If he is starting to blame you for all that is going wrong, then you need to remember two things:

a.You are probably headed for a very bumpy Midlife Marriage Crisis
b.Most importantly, you are NOT to blame

Listen to him and accept that, for now, he may believe that what he is saying is true, BUT you shouldn’t believe that it is. Please don’t take ownership of his Crisis, it’s not your fault. You need to take care of yourself , not join with him in blaming yourself.

4.Rewriting History

This ties in with blaming you and your marriage for his unhappiness. He is subconsciously gathering evidence to support his theory that all his pain is due to the fact that he chose to be married to you. Although he wants to be ‘right’ in having identified the source of his problems, he does not want to consider that he was wrong in his previous decisions (i.e. the decision to marry you). And so he changes the reasons that he made those decisions.

He may have told you every day for the last 15, 20 or more years, that he loved you and now he says that he never really loved you. This is simply what he is choosing to believe right now. He doesn’t realize that he has any self work to do, instead he is choosing to believe that he made a poor decision in marrying you. However, he doesn’t even want to take the responsibility for having made a bad decision. So instead he claims he just didn’t love you, but had some noble reason to marry you anyway, or somehow you tricked him into it, or societal or family pressure ‘made’ him do it.

When he starts rewriting history it can come as a huge shock to you and you may begin to question yourself and whether you just never understood reality. He may believe what he is saying, but you don’t have to. See it for what it is and don’t torture yourself by accepting his new version of events when it contradicts many years of shared experience.

5.He becomes Secretive

The fifth sign that your Midlife Crisis Man is dashing headlong towards a Midlife Marriage Crisis is when he becomes secretive with you. When he becomes secretive it is because he has painted you in his mind as the enemy. He feels he has to hide things from you because you will not understand. At this point he could well be right!

Secrecy between marriage partners does not make for a healthy marriage. However, if he is already questioning the validity of your marriage and has made himself his own number one priority, then he no longer feels the need or desire to input to the health of the marriage.

He may simply be closing you out because he knows that you will try to talk ‘your’ kind of reason and logic to him and he knows that won’t sit well with his current beliefs.

Unfortunately it is also quite likely that the secrecy may be hiding an affair. When any husband feels that his wife doesn’t understand him, he is more prone to having an affair. When he is in a Midlife Crisis, has let go of all his old values AND feels that his marriage may be the cause of his unhappiness, he is even more likely to have an affair.

Secrecy doesn’t necessarily mean he is having an affair, but it is definitely a possibility to be aware of. Secrecy does mean though that he is closing you out of his life. He does not feel the trust or the shared bond that you used to have. Whatever it is that he feels he needs to keep from you, you could well be headed into a Midlife Marriage Crisis.

*******************************

None of these signs in themselves are concrete affirmations that you are headed for a MLMC, there can be many causes for each of these behaviours. However, you are reading about MLC for a reason, follow your instincts and remember to take care of yourself. You cannot control your husband, you are not responsible for his Crisis or for the outcome, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself and your own well being.


Regardless of what any of this "is" or "isn't" / I have to heal - REALLY heal if I am ever going to have a chance at a good new life.

[dl443322]

Sweetie, while I know it is very important for us to try to understand MLC, please don't get stuck on wanting that too much.

It is something that we really cant understand unless we are in one.

So, you know that he is in crisis. You know that you cannot do anything about changing that for him.

Really and truly, the only thing you can do is let him figure it out, love him from a distance and begin your own journey towards healing and peace.

[punkin]

I agree with Brooklyn. We could read books and try to understand MLC, but that would be almost like trying to understand the workings of God. Some things just are. We have to stop focusing on what is making them tick and let God have them. We need to focus on US.

[irishblessings]

You are right Brooklyn and I know that I am doing that too much - probably to avoid answering my own issues. This absolute lack of self-worth I carry around is deadly. Someone said yesterday that I do get angry but that I turn it all inward - like I am the one who is responsible for this whole mess. Every single flaw of mine I have turned into a valid justification for his appalling, disrespectful actions. I have refused to acknowledge his flaws - instead choosing to "soften" his antisocial craziness into "quirky" or "eccentricities". I bring the hammer down on me - my flaws are FAILINGS - because I should know better - I should be better.

Nauseating!

[seeking answers]

IB,

I went and took a quick scan of the Midlife Maze site you were referring to.

Yep, it seems to be stuff we already know for the most part. Please don't get discouraged when you read sites like that because I believe they probably go on the premise that most people whose spouses do this just give up and do not even give the thought of trying to outlast the MLC.

I do believe if you want to try and outlast it and possibly have a chance to R your M you need to understand what you're dealing with.

For me at least, understanding MLC has made detaching easier. While you're never going to know why the MLCer does most of the things they do if you realize it's all part of the crisis it's easier to not take it personally.

When you accept that you are not to blame for your H's MLC, it's easier to do this...

the only thing you can do is let him figure it out, love him from a distance and begin your own journey towards healing and peace.

Wise words from Brooklyn.

[irishblessings]

Well - another weekend passes and I don't seem to be any better off than I was 4 months ago when H left. I make it through the weekdays pretty well - but the weekends are lonely and I find myself depressed. I accomplish some things - but not as much as I should. I often feel lost. There are times when I just can't believe how easily he has disposed of me. There are times when I can't believe all of the horrendous infidelities that he engaged in - that he disclosed to me - and that he has absolutely NO remorse. So...

I need to begin to answer the questions that I have been avoiding. I want to begin to dream again - have a vision for what I want.

I want to heal...

[ericmsant2]

IB,

Really and truly, the only thing you can do is let him figure it out, love him from a distance and begin your own journey towards healing and peace.

This quote from Brooklyn says it all.

Your H embarked on his journey and as the LBS you must embark on YOURS.

What you will come to learn about yourself can change you in ways that you would have never imagined. You though have to take that first step. No one can take it for you.

You may feel alone but I can tell you that really you are not. God really is with you.

IB, I want to tell you that although you feel this way and may not ready to hear this…everything you are going through is pretty normal. Many of us have been through these emotions. They will pass IF you allow them to.

When I first came here, I place my W on a pedestal and took the blame for everything. FTR, sometime I still catch myself doing it. Then I realized that I ONLY needed to take responsibility to my failures in the R. Not hers. It is not my responsibility to “help” her take ownership of her issues – that job falls to God.

There will come a time when you realize that YOU did not put a gun to your H’s head to make him do what he is doing.

probably to avoid answering my own issues.

It’s scary to look inside yourself…so be gentle with yourself. You may see things that you do not like about yourself. Those are things that you work on. Now having said this, you also need to look at the GOOD in YOU. Many times we focus on all of the things that we need to work on and we loose sight of the good things about yourself. So, I would write down some of the areas of improvement you want to work on AND write down some of your strength. Chit ya work 12 hours a day…so obviously “work ethic” is a strength of yours. You are also a great MOM by evidence of your posts. You are also….ready……a wonderfully loving person! Okay…okay…so how can I say this not knowing you personally. Well in my book any one that would endure this much pain, still love their spouse and still want the marriage to work – well they are a “wonderfully loving person” in my book.

This absolute lack of self-worth I carry around is deadly.

Yes it is. One of the reasons is that you continue to FOCUS on your M and YOUR H. We tell you to detach and GAL because what will happen is that you will begin to feel better about yourself when you are having fun (GAL) AND you will not have your H’s bullchit to deal with (Detach).

every single flaw of mine I have turned into a valid justification for his appalling, disrespectful actions.

Wow – IB, a little anger in that sentence. That’s good. Anger is good when used properly BUT we can talk about that a little later on.

I have refused to acknowledge his flaws - instead choosing to "soften" his antisocial craziness into "quirky" or "eccentricities".

1) your H is in a crisis so he will be quirky and antisocial – especially with you.
2) Should you focus on his quirks or yours? (hint – who’s can you control?)

I should be better

Know what’s stopping you? Hint first letter is F, the last letter is R (F_ _ R)

I don't seem to be any better off than I was 4 months ago when H left

Really? Think about this statement for a sec….
4 months ago, ya probably would have not even been able to weekdays.

but the weekends are lonely and I find myself depressed. I accomplish some things - but not as much as I should. I often feel lost.

One of the things that works for me is writing down a list of the stuff that I would like to do. I also try and do something that I really love to do. So IB, what really puts a smile on your face?

I just can't believe how easily he has disposed of me.

Change how you look at things. Yeah you can say he disposed of you OR you can say that God helped take him out of your life so he can fix this CRAZY AS* MLC CHIT that he is going through.

I need to begin to answer the questions that I have been avoiding.

Yes you do. If ya don’t answer these questions I swear I will pay Punkin to go pay you a visit when she’s angry and trust me…ya don’t want to see spunky punky angry. LOL

I want to begin to dream again

You will WHEN you finally make a CHOICE to start to.

Chin up and ((((hugs))))

You’re actually doing better than you think.

God Bless,
Eric

[TAMF]

IB - you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! It pains me to see you so depressed. This too will pass with time. try not to dwell on it - put that stop sign up in your mind and watch a movie (NOT A MOVIE ON LIFETIME! that station would kill any one of us right now!)read a crime novel, take a walk with a friend and have them talk about thier problems so you don't have to think about yours. Friends always start to tell me what problems they are having and then they stop and say, "oh I am sorry! Here I am rambling on about my stupid problems and you have your situation!" I just laugh and say THANK GOD i am not alone! keep talking so I can stop thinking about my life right now!

I am thinking about you - take care

[punkin]

Irish,

Lets you and me be honest here. Weekends are a biotch. A complete waste of breath and time and space. UNTIL, you decide to get out and do something on those weekends. I started with church on Sunday, then the local Homecoming Football Game with friends. Had a blast. Now a regular Friday night thing. Moved onto rental movie and homemade dinner with friends on Saturday night.

Sometimes I go to bed at night on a weekend and think,"Well, I wonder what H did this weekend?" Then roll over and go to sleep because it really doesn't matter. I had a good weekend. His is up to him.

These are all suggestions that worked for me. You have to find your own entertainments. I know you have friends. I know you have things you enjoy doing. Maybe try some new ones you never did before and discover you do like them. Start living your life for yourself and stop looking over your shoulder to see if he is watching. LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. You are not to blame here.
You have all sorts of strength inside that you seem afraid to let out.

Please don't feel I'm whipping you with a wet noodle. I don't mean to be. I've just re discovered how to enjoy my life and I want to share it with you. YOU CAN. YOU ARE STRONG.

Have a good day, Irish, I'll catch you on the flip side.