What I really want is to just heal - to not be exposed to any of the b.s.
It will come IB...it will come...
healing takes time so don't rush it. Try not to PUSH your way to "feel" like you are healed. It will happen when God says it's time to happen.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Today I am struggling... H texted me saying he wanted to come over and look for paperwork. I asked him to let me find it for him and to please not come here. He said "I'm trading in the car and I need the title" I said - "I will try to find it and text you - please do not come here" He waits and then texts "Never mind I've ordered another title" I reply "I've been looking for it the entire time and can't find it" He texts "thanks for trying"
Benign - yes. And I know that everyone says that I need to present as if I am strong and capable, etc. But I cannot see him right now. I am not healed and I spend every minute of every day trying to pretend I am. I go to work - I keep the house and the family going - but when I am alone (which is quite a bit these days) I can't seem to get over the sadness, hurt at what has happened - nor can I move myself beyond the comparisons to OW. I don't even know who she is - but she is in his arms and I am not. The losses keep piling up and as the kids move forward and he moves on I am alone. When will I get to the place where I won't feel this any longer? Why do I keep asking if I deserved this somehow? Why do I feel like I am the crazy one and he is sane? Why do I avoid taking care of myself - why don't I think I am worth it? Why won't I just give up, give in, let go, - why do I keep pushing myself - why am I so hard on myself - why don't I feel worthy? Why am I so tired - why do I feel guilty for everything - why do I think he is wrong? Why do I believe we had a wonderful friendship - something really special that everyone saw? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why will he never consider coming home? Why has he done a 180? Why does he shun religion? Why can't I get angry - REALLY angry? What will my life look like? Will I be alone if I stand? Am I pathetic, foolish, a doormat?
I'm having a tough day...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Why do I keep asking if I deserved this somehow? Why do I feel like I am the crazy one and he is sane? Why do I avoid taking care of myself - why don't I think I am worth it? Why won't I just give up, give in, let go, - why do I keep pushing myself - why am I so hard on myself - why don't I feel worthy? Why am I so tired - why do I feel guilty for everything - why do I think he is wrong? Why do I believe we had a wonderful friendship - something really special that everyone saw? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why will he never consider coming home? Why has he done a 180? Why does he shun religion? [b]Why can't I get angry - REALLY angry?[b] What will my life look like? Will I be alone if I stand? Am I pathetic, foolish, a doormat?
I'm having a tough day...
(((Irish)))
These days are tough. No doubt about it at all.
When you are ready, you've given yourself a great place to work from ... start looking at the questions I've bolded and start digging deep within yourself to answer them. This is where YOUR journey really begins ...
Be kind to yourself Irish. Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Does it help to know that I have thought the exact same things on my really bad days? That tomorrow will be another day and it has the chance of being a good day?
Having these horrible days, IMO make the good days even sweeter because you appreciate it so much more.
Choose to be happy or choose to be sad. It really is your choice alone to make.
Have you seen Eric thread on "what am I thankful for?" if not, go there and really think about what is wonderful in your life instead what sucks. I actually cried when I wrote my list of what I was thankful for - it made me feel so good.
Hugs and this is me sending you my strength~~~~~~~~~~ :-)
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
whoops, I see now that you have already posted on the "thankful" thread! But as I was reading that list of yours, I thought that you have so many wonderful things going for you right now!
Read your list, then read it again!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Dealing with someone in a crisis is tough. Really tough. I have been doing this for a little over a year now and I am embarrassed to say that some days I still struggle.
So be gentle on yourself. Please…
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I am not healed and I spend every minute of every day trying to pretend I am.
You may not see it NOW…BUT you are healing. It is a slow process and so although you think you are “prentending”, your really not. You are feeling this, which IS a MUST in order for you to truly heal. I can only imagine the pain that you feel.
I can still remember the pain…GOD…I wanted to die. Not sure if I ever said this to you – but by the grace of God and my best friend I did not end my life. I wanted to. I really wanted to. I can still remember the day…I jumped in my jeep. I had just found out that my wife was fu*king her supervisor (she had just started the job and had just ended an EA with some guy in NJ). I had not slept all night. I cried and cried. I prayed and nothing helped. I started to drive…and I still till this day do not remember how I ended up where I was, which was in front of the Farmington River in CT. I parked the jeep and stared at the water. I remember falling asleep and I was awoken by my cell phone. It was my mother in law. I broke down, I was trembling – I felt like less of a man – I felt defeated. Why Oh GOD was this happening. Did I not satisfy my wife, was I inadequate as a man. Fuc* I hurt.. I remember my mother in law starting to cry. She prayed with me. I hung up and really can say that I did not feel any better. I called my best friend and asked if I could come over. I composed myself and on the drive over I made a decision to end my life. I would ask my friend for his gun (was gonna tell him I need to go shooting in the wood to relief some stress). So I drove over, he looked at me and said “dude ya look like chit”. I remember saying…Oh I’m okay – hey dude I wanted to borrow your gun and go shooting in the woods. He looked at me, with this look, a look that said he knew what I was planning. He said NO. I try to convince him to lend me the gun. He stood his ground and said no (and FTR, I can be pretty convincing). I broke down and started to cry. He almost did too. I felt like such a failure. I felt so bad….I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to go away. Later on that day, my FIL called me to tell me that he loved me.
So IB, I know of the pain that you may be feeling. I know of the fear. I know of the hopelessness. What I want to say to you…is this…the above event happened about 8 months ago.
IB, you will have these moments of struggle – do not give in to them. Feel them and then let them go.
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nor can I move myself beyond the comparisons to OW. I don't even know who she is - but she is in his arms and I am not
IB – honestly, I can only say this about OW….she couldn’t lick the dog chit off of your shoes. She is garbage – BUT she is NOT the problem. She is only a symptom and FTR, I know that this does not make you feel better. Do you know what should….
Knowing who YOU are. Knowing and living YOUR life. Ah…easier said then done. I know. BUT doable non the less.
Quote:
When will I get to the place where I won't feel this any longer?]/quote] I will not blow smoke up your butt and tell you that this will happen in time. No – It didn’t work for me when someone said it. You will no longer feel this way….
When a few things happen
When it is time When YOU realize the beauty that is IB When YOU realize why YOU are really standing (this may not make sense yet – it will soon.) [quote]Why do I keep asking if I deserved this somehow?
I was abandoned as a kid by BOTH parents. For a long time, I blamed myself as a matter of fact my abandonment played a role in my M – ‘cept I didn’t know it. I can tell this….YOU DID NOT DERSERVE this. NOR did your H. He did not wake up one day and say..today I think I will have a crisis. Neither of you did. What you are doing is normal. You are blaming yourself for HIS MLC.
IB, I can tell you all day it is not your fault BUT YOU must begin to realize this.
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Why do I avoid taking care of myself –
Because YOUR depressed honey. Do you know what depression is? Anger TURN inward. Your afraid IB, afraid to be angry at YOUR H. Do you know why? ‘Cause, when that anger comes…so will YOUR strength…
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Why can't I get angry - REALLY angry?
You are angry…BUT as I said above, your are directing that anger towards yourself.
Again…the anger will show you YOUR strength…..And it is scary to be strong. It is much easier to be weak…
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why don't I think I am worth it? Why won't I just give up, give in, let go, - why do I keep pushing myself – why am I so hard on myself – why don't I feel worthy? Why am I so tired – why do I feel guilty for everything – why do I think he is wrong? Why do I believe we had a wonderful friendship – Why wasn't I enough for him?
I could probably answer these for YOU …but then that would be me being IB…
Can you do me a favor? It is all I ask IB…Can you take the above questions and try to answer them for ME…not for YOU…for me. CAN YOU PLEASE.
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Why will he never consider coming home? Why has he done a 180? Why does he shun religion?
He..he…he…he… He…he..he…he…
Honestly IB, F “he” right now.
Quote:
What will my life look like?
Whatever you want it to…but before you figure that out…answer the questions above.
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Will I be alone if I stand?
Hey…I’m not chop liver here….<insert picture of Eric smiling with his pearly whites> - Your not alone IB…not alone at all. Look up, keep your faith…read the book of James…
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Am I pathetic, foolish, a doormat?
Only IF you feel you are.
Hey IB….let me ask you another question….do YOU think I am a doormat?
Listen, sweetie…we have all had these bad days.. they will pass. Take a look at your kids tonight. Your not a failure IB.
Not a failure in the least bit. Matter of fact, your actually stronger than me!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric - I don't know what to say...I am sobbing by your response. Thank you for your kindness, support, and care. I do need to answer these questions. I will do better and be better. Thank you! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Yes you will be BETTER - that much I can promise you BUT only IF
You answer the questions.....
Not for me IB...for you honey...for you.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
